Screenshot: Hatchimals WOW

Hatchimals, those cursed toys bred from unboxing video culture for kids wherein a mysteriously cuddly creature emerges from a plastic egg, have evolved. Their latest form is Hatchimals WOW, an egg that births a Llamacorn (part-llama, part-unicorn) from a giant, glittery pink shell. The Llamacorn grows to be 32" inches in height, and absolutely, definitely, without a single doubt in my mind, looks exactly like a dick.

Before I move any further: If you want to get this for your kid, go forth, just be aware of its mature shape, ok? Got it? Good.

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I know this isn’t the main concern of toy developers, but couldn’t they give this Hatchimal creature more... girth... or something... to ensure it is wide enough to not look like a giant phallus? Imagine, all the young kids who will admire its size as if to say, “Look, mum, a massive knob! That’s bloody brilliant.” All of this could’ve been avoided if the Llamacorn could shake off its egg prison... Maybe. I don’t know. I’m not a toy doctor. But I am intimately familiar with penis, and Hatchimals WOW, my friends, is a penis.

In case that doesn’t detract from your desire to purchase this for your son or daughter, here are some facts about the new Hatchimals WOW: Allegedly, the Llamacorn expresses how it is feeling by changing the color of its eyes. According to The Verge, after the Llamacorn has hatched, it sings “Hatchy Birthday!” to itself. (“Itself” because I’m not sure of the gender. I like to imagine there are no genders where the Llamacorn is from.) Lllamacorn is also the first re-hatchable Hatchimal, meaning you could shove that peen back into its cocoon and do the whole thing over and over and over again. WOW, I think I finally get why they’re called Hatchimals WOW now.

Hatchimals WOW hit the market on Oct. 1, 2019. On Amazon, they retail for $79.99. If you’re a fan of horrific robot creatures, toy-related nightmares, and giving your kid a dick to play with, it’s a steal!