Image: Getty

Allow me to begin with a caveat: dealbreakers in a relationship don’t mean shit. If you are a human who dates other humans, there just some behaviors that you cannot accept. Some are fine, like, don’t date a racist. Easy. Done. Others are just excuses, a reason to look for flaws in someone to protect yourself from heartbreak. Deep, right? Well, for this week’s Pissing Contest, let’s go with wrong: I want to hear your pettiest dating dealbreakers. Have you broken up with someone because they put toilet paper on the roll the incorrect way? Do you hate nail-biters? People who call their mom everyday? People who don’t call their mom everyday? What if their name was David? (That’s mine. Daniels are fine.)

You know what to do. Full-stories justifying your petty actions are preferred. Thanks in advance.

Advertisement

And now, let’s look at your best birthday stories from last week. I was feeling uncharacteristically wholesome with that topic, huh?

strangerwithcandies had a food fight:

I don’t remember which number it was, maybe 33ish, but my husband asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said a food fight. So all the neighbors and friends came over with their favorite throwable food item and we had a table full of food, jello, pudding, spaghetti, pies, whipped cream, wet biscuits, mashed potatoes, etc. and we just spent a half hour or so throwing shit at each other and it was the best time I ever had. I think it’s time to do it again. All suggestions of food to throw are welcome.

stephkat716, I would love nothing more than to have a limo take me to a water park, and also, I am old:

My birthday is in the summer and for my 16th birthday my parents rented me and my friends a limo to take us an hour away to a water park. I think my sisters came to supervise as the adults. I just remember the limo as being the COOLEST thing and all of us were so excited. I’ve actually had people bring it up in adulthood as something they remember from when we were kids.

For my 30th birthday, I got drunk at Fenway Park while at a Billy Joel concert. That was a very good birthday.

Advertisement

Ivanka’s prison hair, this sounds like the beginning of an episode of “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” and I’m thrilled you were not sucked into a mirror or chased by an army of haunted dolls:

December 24 bday=sucksville for parties with school friends. Usually a hasty “in between celebrations “ deal. Until my 17th when my friend was house sitting in a very large, chill Victorian home. We got pizza, got buzzed then had some wonderful, heartfelt conversations while we all sat at varying places on the grand staircase.

Then they surprised me- despite the snow, some of the guys trecked to the store & got me a German chocolate cake.

They all sang happy birthday. I cried happy tears then we had a cake fight. I will never forget that night.

Advertisement

Belladonna77's first birthday was their best, and unlike the rest of us, they actually remember it:

I grew up a Jehovah’s Witness and wasn’t allowed to celebrate my birthday. It took a few years(due to residual feelings of guilt that are connected to leaving a cult), but the first birthday I officially celebrated with an actual party was the best one.

Advertisement

Seabassy found the love of their life:

My best birthday happened 3 weeks after I met a guy who I was very into. We’d been on a few dates but he was away that weekend for a friend’s wedding. My friends planned a fun and special day because it was my 30th birthday, and it was a blast, but I felt bad for continuously checking my phone to see if he texted. He knew it was my birthday, but I didn’t hear from him and was pretty bummed. Luckily I have awesome friends who threw a wonderful party and I went to bed happy and feeling loved.

A couple days later I get a series of texts, probably 20 of them, in rapid succession and out of order. In trying to piece them together, I realized they were photos of a hand-written letter and a flower. It was a long letter, but to sum it up, he was at a wedding in the mountains without cell service, so he wrote me this letter but didn’t have any way to mail it. He picked a flower that he wanted to press and put in the letter, but again, couldn’t mail it. The flower was the same kind growing outside his house the night we met that he said reminded him of me. All of the photos were so I could read the letter and see the flower on my birthday, but he’d still deliver them in person. The letter was very sweet and honest, a little romantic, but not too much since we’d only been dating a few weeks.

He visited me the following weekend and gave me the letter and flower, and now that type of flower is what I get on very special occasions. We’ve been married 3 years.

Advertisement

realinfmom, you made my week:

I wanted to see a volcano most of my life. Been fascinated by them ever since I was a little girl. In 2016 we went to Hilo, and after we got checked into our hotel room I stepped out on the balcony and THERE WAS MAUNA KEA. That was two days before my birthday. On my birthday (66th) I got a stylized tribal tattoo of a volcano on my wrist. And then we went to Volcano National Park and stuck around till it got dark so we could see the lava lake in Kilauea.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

Deep State Class of ‘97, this is the best birthday:

I have a reputation for having really bad birthdays. It has become a running joke over the years. I guess my best birthday was when I was 8 and my mom let me rent Wrestlemania on VHS.

Last year was probably my best birthday in 20 years. I told my mom to get me tickets for a preseason hockey game. I just love sitting close to the ice and just screaming for 3 hours straight. So she just chose a game close to my birthday and got me a pair of tickets.

Not only was it the the debut of Gritty, he was doing all of his skits in my section. I spent the whole game with him.

Advertisement

Drop your petty in the comments.