Super Bowl Sunday is right around the corner, which is great news if you like Maroon 5, Travis Scott, Big Boi and not Rihanna. Maybe you, like myself, have no interest in the game (or even halftime for that matter—solidarity with Colin Kaepernick) but you frequent your sport-loving friend’s annual shindig because it’s a wonderful excuse to day drink and indulge in dips. Whatever the case, it’s likely that something will occur this Sunday that is unlike other Sundays, and that something is chaos.
Maybe you’ve attended the Super Bowl before and saw some questionable behavior from spectators. Maybe you’ve attended a party that ended with someone streaking across the front lawn when Tom Brady and his boys won, like they so often do. Maybe you’re traumatized after an unfortunate nacho experience and now you’ll never talk to Tim again. Maybe you, like myself, were living in Philadelphia when the Eagles took home the trophy in 2018 and watched grown men break storefront windows of the Macy’s in Center City after a long night of celebratory carousing (imagine what would have happened if they LOST.)
With that in mind, this week’s Pissing Contest is all about football. Tell us your most chaotic Super Bowl Sunday story, and don’t hold back. Pain is weakness leaving the body.
But first, let’s take a look at last week’s winners—the most over-the-top baby shower you’ve ever been to.
The time a certain relative got so upset about a younger sibling getting pregnant first that she decided to get pregnant as well. During the shower.
Upstairs, with her husband.
The backstory: My step-mother’s family is batshit in the way that only a family with dirt poor roots that comes into great material success can be. Her father was born in a wooden shack in rural WV, but somehow clawed his way out to Harvard Law School and a successful career as a lawyer, law professor, and ultimately senior administrator at a major university. He used this success to play his five children against each other throughout his entire life. The list of lawsuits, feuds, and lingering grievances would take a long time to get through. Suffice to say that this generation produced a crop of grandchildren completely lacking in any sense of ethics. Two are currently in prison, one for scamming about $50k out of various people with a bogus cancer diagnosis, the other for trying to have his wife murdered.
The sisters I mention above are among the more stable members of the family but are and always have been intensely competitive. All I can imagine is that seeing the younger sister showered with all the attention and gifts was more than the older one could bear. She apparently dragged her husband upstairs in the midst of things. They were interrupted mid-coitus by another guest who had wandered upstairs in search of an open bathroom.
LittleAnimalLostHerKey thinks her friend is tacky but she’s really just resourceful:
I was friends with a woman that bought a house at the same time she found out she was pregnant. She had registered for an expensive set of knives, a microwave, other housewarming type gifts on her baby registry. As I was shopping at Target for a gift, I am internally screaming about how tacky this is. I show up to the shower with a blanket and some onesies and a pack of diapers. At the shower, she rails on the guests for buying off registry items and expresses her disappointment that we didn’t get her things she needed. She then has another BABY SHOWER and has on the invitation “Registry gifts only!” Everything on the registry was for the new house, no baby stuff. That was the end of our friendship. She went on to have two more babies and a total of 8 baby showers. What a fucking nightmare bitch from hell.
RaisedByHeathens Orange Meanie-Pants tolerated a shower with a theme of “pantone shade 14-1219 tcx.” I can’t even begin to unpack that anal-retentive nonsense:
Woo! I’ve got one! So, this chick was the SiL of my best friend, and when the baby shower invites get around, my best friend *begged* me to go because “jesus christ Heathens, this bitch is insane and I need a damn witness”
So, the party theme colors(*also I assume nursery colors?) were peach and gold but very specific peach and gold tones- pantone shades “14-1219 tcx” and and some other pantone color number I cannot remember I think she was an interior designer in training or some nonsense. I Definitely remember the 14-1219 tcx because as we walked in, the Mother-to-be was in full meltdown absolutely SCREAMING at her own mother for buying the not yet born baby girl a dress which was clearly a shade of just, like, baby pink and NOT 14-1219 tcx and “goddamit you helped me pick out peach and gold and now you are RUINING it mother absolutely RUINING EVERYTHING” Then the Grandma-to-be literally runs out crying.
I am a knitter/crocheter and usually have a few random baby blankets on reserve because they are great ways to try out new stitches and yarn and shit plus, hell, if a cousin or whatever gets knocked up boom- here’s a present. So I have a really pretty little cabled blanket in cream and I figure, fuck it. I’m not coming to a baby shower empty handed- now I don’t feel bad for eating all the food. When she opens my little bag she literally makes a face and asks “so, I know you are *Friend’s* friend...I guess you didn’t hear about the color scheme? We are really trying to stick to 14-1219 tcx and (gold color I can’t remember) so.....” and she trails off “I’m sorry, I have no idea what the hell a 14-1219 tcx even is, and also if you don’t like the hand knit blanket I guess I could just keep it or whatever”
Bitch LITERALLY responds with “Oh thank god now I don’t have to feel bad about asking you to take it back”
I took it back and me and my friend left the party and went to a bar. To this day when we talk about choosing a color for paint/cars/clothing/whatever one of us will ask “I *like* that idea- but have you considered 14-1219 tcx?”
usedtobehere also knows some rich, reproductive crazies:
The most over-the-top baby shower I’ve ever been to was in a rented mansion, decorated in specific colours (not Pantone, but still), catered by two different restaurants, had an open bar with six different types of brown liquor, a selfie spot, a table with a wall of presents about six feet high, and all the women were in dresses and high heels and full makeup with their hair and nails done. I was embarrassed—I hadn’t been informed about how fancy a shindig it would be, so I came dressed the way I would for a baby shower in my family: office-friendly pants and a nice sweater. I felt underdressed, and my gift was clearly not up to snuff. I handmade my gift, and though the mama-to-be was very gracious about it, I saw a few of her aunts sneering at it.
Oh, and there were little commemorative trinkets given to guests as we were leaving. The whole thing was a bit much. I felt really uncomfortable most of the night, and I was glad to get home.