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The Most Over-the-Top Baby Shower You've Ever Been To

Illustration for article titled The Most Over-the-Top Baby Shower Youve Ever Been To
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You asked, you received: it’s baby shower week at Pissing Contest!

As a young person whose only ever attended one baby shower in her life—it ended in drunken karaoke—I’m not totally sure I “get” the tradition of celebrating some kid that hasn’t even exited another human’s body. I do, however, totally understand that babies are expensive, and that getting free stuff from your friends and family rules. I also understand that like any familial tradition, people go nuts for baby showers, often veering headfirst into insanely inappropriate territory like using the event as an instance to showcase material wealth. Both of those hypotheticals are uncomfortable, and both have the potential to be super hilarious, so now I must know: what’s the most over-the-top, shameless baby shower you’ve ever been to?

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If it’s one you hosted, well, be honest. We’re all friends here.

But first, let’s look at last week’s winners. Here are the best of the best stories from that time you ate something you definitely were not supposed to eat.

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A Lantern of Hope drank their own cum, so, I guess they win:

Well, there was the time I consumed my own semen. The “why” is a long story, but I was surprised by how bland it was, though it ended up getting me high for some reason.

Hopefully that wasn’t TMI. I’m never totally sure.

slowtobond ATE MAGGOTS! AHHHH!:

I washed a bowl for a snack of dry Frosted Mini Wheats when I was home alone from school. As I was munching, I didn’t mind the wet ones, since I did a fairly poor job of drying. Until something popped in my mouth. I kind of froze and then took the wet thing out of my mouth. Black head, white deflated body.

Thankfully I don’t remember what it tasted like but that’s how I came to eat maggots.

Sedoearth ate a whole “soda’s worth” of ants, and now my throat is on fire:

Ants, live, a whole left over sodas’ worth. I was about 13. So much shrieking and vomiting ensued. 100s of ants... And it was more the sensensation of the live ants desperately trying to climb out of my through and mouth that kept my gag reflex active for hours days weeks...

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catslightly drank part of a soda... can:

When I was 11 I swallowed the pop top to a soda can. I had to know what letter my future boyfriend’s name started with, so I twisted the pop top off and then tossed it into the soda can. As I was taking the last swig, I accidentally swallowed it. I really did not want to tell my parents what an idiot I was, so I went my dad all casual like and asked him what would happen if someone were to happen to swallow the pop top of a soda can hypothetically speaking. My dad, clearly not yet comprehending that his day would be spent in the ER, barely looked up from the paper and said, “Oh, I don’t know, probably they’ve have to get their stomach pumped.” I burst into tears. And like a sitcom he looked up at me sobbing and called to my mom, “Put your coat on, we have to go to the hospital.”

For the record, I did not get my stomach pumped but I did have to poop in a pie pan for three days and my mom had to hose through it to make sure the pop top came out. It did.

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MsM drank cig ashes:

Freshman year of college we ate a lot of LSD (this is not the gross thing I ate). I’ve never been much of a beer drinker, but when tripping I liked to drink beer. So a bunch of us were tripping pretty hard in my friend’s dorm room, playing video games, drinking beers and smoking. Well at some point I looked down at my beer, and realized I had been ashing my cigarette in it for god knows how long, and drinking it. I remember thinking oh, that’s gross, and then kept drinking it. Drugs were fun.

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DerbyDuck42 ate raw beef and also a lemon, gross:

I was toddler-aged. Mom took me shopping. She tossed a package of ground beef in the cart and turned to look at something else.

When she turned back around, I was going to town on that raw hamburger.

She put it back in the case, got another package (taking care it was out of reach of Young Me), and walked away like nothing happened.

I also ate a little piece of lemon somebody used as garnish on a lemon-berry pie. Rind and all. As an adult. (I thought it was candied.)

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Devonna ate dog treats but who among us hasn’t?:

I was working a shit-ton of overtime, got home late one summer night and still had to walk the dog. Also, I was on Zoloft at the time and tried to take it a couple hours before bedtime. In order to get my pup to put on her harness & leash for a walk, she has to have treats. So I got the Zoloft and the dog treats ready, and utterly exhausted, I popped the dog treats in my mouth. I’m just glad my dog didn’t get the Zoloft.

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And because of boobsahoy, many of us will never get pregnant:

I ate a bowl of mayonnaise two weeks before I gave birth. I topped it with a pour of warmed tartar sauce and ate it with a spoon like ice cream. I used an ice cream scooper to dole out the mayo. It was one of the best tasting things I have ever eaten.

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Drop those shower stories below, and let this week be a lesson to you loyal commenters: we hear your suggestions, and the good ones become blogs.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

kathatherlee
RaisedByHeathens Orange Meanie-Pants

Woo! I’ve got one! So, this chick was the SiL of my best friend, and when the baby shower invites  get  around, my best friend *begged* me to go because “jesus christ Heathens, this bitch is insane and I need a damn witness”

So, the party theme colors(*also I assume nursery colors?) were peach and gold but very specific peach and gold tones- pantone shades “14-1219 tcx” and and some other pantone color number I cannot remember I think she was an interior designer in training or some nonsense. I Definitely remember the 14-1219 tcx because as we walked in, the Mother-to-be was in full meltdown absolutely SCREAMING at her own mother for buying the not yet born baby girl a dress which was clearly a shade of just, like, baby pink and NOT 14-1219 tcx and “goddamit you helped me pick out peach and gold and now you are RUINING it mother absolutely RUINING EVERYTHING” Then the Grandma-to-be literally runs out crying.

I am a knitter/crocheter and usually have a few random baby blankets on reserve because they are great ways to try out new stitches and yarn and shit plus, hell, if a cousin or whatever gets knocked up boom- here’s a present. So I have a really pretty little cabled blanket in cream and I figure, fuck it. I’m not coming to a baby shower empty handed- now I don’t feel bad for eating all the food. When she opens my little bag she literally makes a face and asks “so, I know you are *Friend’s* friend...I guess you didn’t hear about the color scheme? We are really trying to stick to 14-1219 tcx and (gold color I can’t remember) so.....” and she trails off “I’m sorry, I have no idea what the hell a 14-1219 tcx even is, and also if you don’t like the hand knit blanket I guess I could just keep it or whatever”

Bitch LITERALLY responds with   “Oh thank god now I don’t have to feel bad about asking you to take it back”

I took it back and me and my friend left the party and went to a bar. To this day when we talk about choosing a color for paint/cars/clothing/whatever one of us will ask “I *like* that idea- but have you considered 14-1219 tcx?”