There’s a particularly unremarkable episode of How I Met Your Mother where Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel) recalls eating a calzone on the streets of Manhattan, dropping it, and then continuing to chow down. Unremarkable and yet, I think about it frequently because I am a chronic floor-eater. My religion is the five-second rule, and I’m a devout follower of the Church of Is-It-Gross?-Not-Really?-Okay-I’ll-Still-Eat-That. It’s supremely foul, but there are worst things to ingest. You could accidentally consume, like, a watch battery or some other non-food. You could try the dog’s food. You could’ve, as a child, downed mom and dad’s special brownies giving them a special heart attack. You could’ve eaten actual human shit as part of your frat’s hazing process. All I’m saying is, you’re alive, and you’ve all swallowed something you definitely weren’t supposed to. I want to hear about the time you did exactly that.
As always, feel free to get super creative with this. It doesn’t even need to be food or something extraordinarily gross. Did you consume more than a single tooth brushing’s worth of toothpaste to see if you’d actually need to call poison control? That sounds dangerous, but you absolutely should drop that story in the comments below.
But first, let’s check out last week’s winners!
Here are the least sexy sexts you’ve ever received. They are impressively not hot and I hope you all are boning better now:
Unfortunately LittleAnimalLostHerKey has kicked off a two-week streak of Pissing Contest genius:
I hate to win pissing contest two weeks in a row, but if “I want to fuck you where you fart” isn’t a winner, then I don’t know what is.
E=MC Hammered is another repeat winner, because this story has everything:
I used to work directly across the street from the building I lived in and at the time my partner and I had somehow gotten into the habit of using ridiculous food euphemisms for sex. One day I was at work and got a message that said “If you come home right now, we can have egg salad sandwiches” so I dipped out of a conference call I was on early, rushed across the street, and was half undressed as I walked down the hallway only to enter the kitchen and find two plates with egg salad sandwiches on them ready to eat.
The next time their was an opportunity for mid-day sex, she texted “I want you to come home and put your penis into my vagina” to ensure there was no confusion.
JujyMonkey: unstable genius’s wife knows how to get hot and heavy:
This was a recent one from my wife who was in another room
“QUICK, LET’S DO IT! THE KID’S PLAYING FORTNITE AND SEAMLESS WON’T BE HERE FOR ANOTHER TWENTY MINUTES!”
I feel... upset... for mandilynm:
I burned it from my phone but I once received an exercise in amateur literotica from my brother that was meant for his girlfriend. I texted back “Please, sir, there’s been a mistake “ and then died inside.
A Lantern of Hope was bad at sex and got a bad sext and then, hopefully, got good at sex and sexting:
Back in my dating days, a girlfriend once sent me a text during an argument:“ERROR: Clitoris not found.” It not only made me laugh, but I resolved to be more...generous orally.
Meowry Pawpins likes hamberders & covfefe got the ol’ “miss u,” but with porn:
I got one a year ago, and it was a link to a porn video accompanied by “thought you’d like this.” I asked why and he replied, “it reminds me of u.” I hadn’t heard from this guy in over 6 months and I haven’t slept with him since 2012.
Durkbot dodged a bullet:
I was once sexting a guy when I was about 20 when he suddenly replied “...and *insert name* has gone splat. Goodnight” and stopped texting. Yes, he referred to himself in the third person. Yes, that was the last time I engaged in sexting with him.
Miss Chanandler Bong and I may have fucked the same person:
“Already fucked once, might as well keep doing it lol.”
thorinbaggins should consider cutting it off:
Guy I’m seeing and I don’t often actually sext but regularly exchange ridiculousvulgar innuendo for fun. The only one I’ve ever had to totally veto was when he referred to sex as “injection therapy”.
And detroit.import’s dude had style, flash:
A guy I used to date sent me a picture of a waffle on his penis. One of those round, crunchy waffles. On the head. Of his penis.
Great. And now, for the moment you’ve been waiting for—it’s time to comment below about all the yucky crap you’ve pushed down your throat. It’s disgusting, but remember, you have a Kinja username to hide behind. You’re anonymous, so get honest!