The Phillie Phanatic, the Philadelphia Phillies’ (baseball) mascot, is six feet, six inches and 300 pounds of “mostly fat,” covered in green fur. According to his official biography, he has “clumsy feet, extra long beak, extra-long curled up tongue, gawking neck, and ‘slight’ case of body odor.” On Thursday, Jezebel saw a photograph of a topiary that reminded someone of him, and so the important question was raised: would you phuck him?
I have never had sex with a puppet, nor a mascot. Of all the mascots in professional sports, this is also not the one I’d choose to date (Mr. Met is). But is that an automatic no? What about his chef’s hat and fat butt? What about his love of cheesesteaks and respect for the Liberty Bell? What else might he be a phanatic about, other than baseball?
The Jezebel staff weighs in:
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: I would absolutely have sex with the Philly Phanatic.
Prachi Gupta: No...
Ashley Reese: Too furry adjacent for me, so I’m going with no.
Harron Walker: Break me off a piece of that round green freak.
Katie McDonough: Hard no.
Megan Reynolds: What it do with the snout.
Joanna Rothkopf: Think about this: the snout is a megaphone.
Escobedo Shepherd: The Philly Phanatic looks soft as hell.
Stassa Edwards: I still maintain that having sex with anyone from Philly is a poor idea.
Frida Garza: The logistics of boning the Phanatic are still confusing to me.
Walker: Wait JK no I’m not phucking him.
Reynolds: Listen, we DON’T know what his undercarriage is.
Ellie Shechet: Wait can someone re-explain what this is.
Escobedo Shepherd: Everyone I’ve ever boned from Philly is extremely hot and also a disastrously hot mess.
Edwards: Also, fun fact: I once got punched in the face by a Phillies fan when I lived in Philly.
Aimée Lutkin: The thing is the Phanatic has no genitals and its nose means its impossible for it to eat you out, so what would you be doing??
Shechet: Who is the Philly Phanatic!!!>?/
Lutkin: You’d just be dry humping a rug!!
Walker: The Phanatic is orally receptive stone butch!!
Escobedo Shepherd: Maybe it’s just sexual frottage, what’s wrong with that!!!
Madeleine Davies: What if someone starts whippng batteries at you while you’re fuckin
Escopedo Shepherd: I would def have sex with that freak!!!
Lutkin: There’s nothing wrong with it but I can do that at home without taking the Megabus.
Edwards: Looks like a dude that’s going to try to talk to you about scrapple and other PA food.
Reynolds: He’s gonna spew cheese whiz outta his nez
Escobedo Shepherd: U phuck the Phanatic, he takes you to Wawa later.
Lutkin: This might be my first no.
Shechet: I’m a no I hate u all and feel left out.
Hazel Cills: The Phanatic has a long-ass tongue?!
Cills: HE CAN eat you out
Reese: This is such a cursed convo!!!!
Lutkin: I have reconsidered Joanna, I’m now a yes.
Cills: I associate the Phanatic too much with my childhood and family so I’m a no. He’s like a cousin.
Megan Greenwell, Editor-in-Chief, Deadspin: Some personal news: Jezebel is my enemy now.
Reynolds also submitted a private, more considered response (this was not a requirement): “Though I am not sure about the logistics of the sex between the Phanatic and myself, something about his person tells me he’d be an energetic lover—vigorous, rigorous, exhausting. Does his snout blow Cheese Wiz? What that tongue do? Is it a tongue, or is it his dick? Listen, life is short, and we’re all gonna die soon, so why not?”
Ultimate Philadelphia phan Dayna Evans also weighed in: “Yes. Just a thought—he’s got a long tongue.”
Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with a robot? 52% answered “Enthusiastically!”; 18% said “Yes, but only if it’s very soft”; 5% said “Yes, but it has to clean its bathroom first”; 6% said “Yes, but only if it doesn’t act like it likes me too much”; 18% said “No, I don’t get down with that type of freaky shit! Get these Silicon Valley freakbros out of my face!”