The birds are chirping, humidity is rising, and pollen is in the air, which could only mean one thing: Chris season has arrived. It is once again a crucial moment, but this time a rare one as well. All the noise about Avengers: Infinity War having the biggest ever box office opening of all time this past weekend has conveniently distracted us from the fact that this is also the biggest ever Chris convergence of our time.
It is true that three of the four famous white Chrises—Hemsworth, Pratt, and Evans—appear in Marvel’s blockbuster franchise at once, thus challenging our very conception of Chris space and time. Almost a year has passed since the summer of 2017, when Chris Pine, based solely on his role as “Stiv” in DC’s Wonder Woman, ran away clean with our endorsement. At the time, Jezebel decreed: “One clear Chris emerged as the Chris that America needs.”
Indeed, Pine was the obvious frontrunner.
After witnessing a rare triumvirate of Chrises in Avengers: Infinity War, however, I personally wrestled with a thought. Just a thought. What if we gave it to Chris Hemsworth? With his mighty muscles, his cavernous voice, and his charming Thor quips. Watching him fight for the fate of the world in a sexy eyepatch, it’s easy to become weak. It’s easy to feel one’s knees buckle.
Or what if we gave it to Chris Evans?? Who, with longer locks and darkened beard, appeared hotter and more seasoned than ever in the film. What if we made him captain of these pants?
Frankly, I am of the opinion that Chris Pine lost some of his fine Pine-ness by appearing beardless during some of the promo for A Wrinkle in Time. Still, I am ashamed at the thought of stripping Pine of the Chris crown. No doubt, there is an alternate reality, some cosmic permutation in which Pine was cast in Infinity War along with the other Chrises, which would have changed things—only Dr. Strange knows. But we don’t live in that reality. While other sites have attempted to weigh in and coronate a best Chris, we all know Jezebel is the official keeper of Chrises. And Jezebel has decided to retain Chris Pine as our top Chris.
It was simple mathematics. The appearance of three Chrises in one single space (in the Marvel universe) effectively diminishes the power of each Chris by roughly 30% percent. Chris Pine, meanwhile, continues to exist on a plane all by himself. Despite meeting (spoiler) his fictional demise in Wonder Woman, Pine not only resurfaced in A Wrinkle in Time, but (another spoiler) survived the movie, thanks to science, magic, and a brilliant black girl.
It is with pride and immense pleasure that we once again endorse Chris Pine for president of the Chrises. We’re certain he accepts our endorsement. Bobby Finger presented the full ranking in Slack: “Pine, Hemsworth, [100 miles] Evans, [several light years] Pratt.” And that is the official, correct hierarchy. “Pratt is always number LAST,” Julianne Escobedo Shepherd passionately declared, adding: “Guardians of the Galaxy is the worst Marvel franchise and I almost don’t wanna see infinity war because those characters are in it. Miss me with that kiddie shit!!!” Indeed.