Today Sucks

Some solistice lovers who don’t realize that today is the worst day. Image: Getty
Some solistice lovers who don’t realize that today is the worst day. Image: Getty

Hello. It’s a few days before Christmas and somehow, everything... sucks. The Republicans just pushed through a tax bill that will benefit Scrooge McDuck and his cohorts while leaving millions of Americans in the dust. If you have to get on an airplane in the next few days, godspeed. It’s also the Winter Solstice—the shortest and darkest day of the year—and, according to astrologers, the worst day. Of the year. Ever!!!

Here’s the reasoning: Saturn, that pesky planet with the rings, is fucking your shit up. According to London astrologer Neil Spencer, the sun will pass in front of the constellation Capricorn just a few hours after Saturn does the same. That means that both of these “orbs” will be aligned for the first time since 1664.

Does that mean anything to you? Did you read those sentences and immediately head for your underground astrology bunker? Have you cancelled your Solstice celebrations? If so, congrats for knowing what this shit means, but for the rest of us, here’s Spencer’s take from his blog:

Since Saturn rules the sign of the Goat, matters Capricornian are brought to the fore; the establishment, the patriarchy, big business, property. In one’s personal horoscope, Saturn in Capricorn is a very useful placement, denoting one tough individual, but on a macro-level, it doesn’t promise much in the way of fruitful change.


Essentially, per USA Today, everything you attempt to do today will be hell. It will take twice as long and cause you that much more frustration. The salad place will be fresh out of the tiny, sweet pickled peppers you like. You will engage in a silent battle with a fax machine for some reason. Your mother will call and demand that you help her with “a very simple thing, really,” and you’ll find yourself crouched in a stall in the bathroom at work helping her set up her smart TV for 25 minutes. The commute home will inexplicably take twice the time; there will be a parade of horses holding up the train, or a stampede of escaped bovines holding up traffic.

*French Montana’s “Ain’t Worried Bout Nothin’” plays softly in the background. Image: Getty
*French Montana’s “Ain’t Worried Bout Nothin’” plays softly in the background. Image: Getty

In short, everything will suck and it’s the darkest day of the year, so you might as well pack it up early and go to your panic room now, in an attempt to stave off the daily scaries that descend in concert with the setting of the sun. But! Before you retreat with a wine or three, a soft blanket, and your existential despair, take comfort in this: starting tomorrow, the days will start to get slightly longer. There will be more sunlight. Our yearly international nightmare—the ceaseless, unending dark—will come to an end.

Senior Writer, Jezebel

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I just got my hair cut. My hair was halfway down my back, past my tits. now it’s above my shoulders. I did not ask for this. Pls send help. Also, fuck winter solstice and fuck capricorn and saturn and the sun and all that shit. and fuck retrograde.