Taylor Swift's New Song Provides Plenty of Dull Details About Rumored Boyfriend Joe Alwyn

Images via Getty.
Images via Getty.

Taylor Swift has released a new song from her forthcoming album Reputation, and it suggests she has already moved past the whole embrace the snake/“the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now because she’s dead” thing she began with “Look What You Made Me Do.” It’s called “Call It What You Want,” and I’m here to call it dull as dirt.

The song is reportedly about Swift’s rumored boyfriend Joe Alwyn. If you don’t know who Joe Alwyn is, that’s fine. His is among the most forgettable faces in Hollywood (dude starred in that Ang Lee flop Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk), but Swift says that allergy to memorability is one of the reasons she is so into him.

“My baby’s fly like a jet stream,” she sings. “High above the whole scene.” There’s a wee bit of a disconnect in saying someone’s ~~above the whole scene~~ when that particular someone has chosen one of the most famous, scene-dominating people on the planet as their partner, but oh well!


Here are some more details we’ve learned about the elusive Alwyn:

Joe Alwyn works out.

Relevant lyric: “My baby’s fit like a daydream.”

So are all her other boyfriends.

Joe Alwyn loves Taylor Swift as much as he’d love an iPhone X.

Relevant lyric: “He loves me like I’m brand new.

Despite her cooing delivery, this means absolutely nothing. It suggests that Swift could not think of a better way to describe their romance.

Joe Alwyn can build a fire.

Relevant lyric: “He built a fire just to keep me warm.”

Building a fire is not an impressive feat to begin with, but also this is a lie. They’re both rich, and this isn’t Snowpiercer.


Joe Alwyn can build a fort. 

Relevant lyric: “I’m laughing with my lover, making forts under covers.”

Things that lyric is not:

A) cute

B) romantic

C) sexy

D) all of the above

Joe Alwyn is trustworthy.

Relevant lyric: “Trust him like a brother.”

Trust is essential to any relationship and shouldn’t be something you call out as unique. Next.


He gets her.

Relevant lyric: “I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck, chain round my neck / Not because he owns me, but ‘cause he really knows me”


I’m gonna vomit.


Wendy Willians spoke to ABC News’s Amy Robach about her fainting episode early this week. She maintains the scary moment was the result of dehydration exacerbated on by her Halloween costume, as well as menopause.


“I didn’t think my costume was hot when I put it on,” she told Robach, adding:

“I’m a woman of a particular age. I’m also going through menopause...Apparently I was dehydrated according to the paramedics. I went to my own doctors, including blood work...and I’m fine!


It felt like I was in the middle of a fire. It started down at my feet, going all the way up. I got very scared...I was more concerned with, ‘When I fall, am I going to crack my skull?’”


After revealing that she hasn’t missed a single day of work in nine seaons, Williams ended the interview by saying, “I’ve gotta be in here on Monday to do it again. That’s why I got up off the floor and came out here.”

[ABC News]

A headline:

Illustration for article titled Taylor Swifts New Song Provides Plenty of Dull Details About Rumored Boyfriend Joe Alwyn


  • Speaking of Wendy, this is very rude, but considering who it’s for...I guess the rudeness makes sense. [NYP]
  • Fetty Wap was arrested for drunk driving after cops pulled him over for drag racing. [TMZ]
  • KATHERINE HEIGL BLOG UPDATE. [Those Heavenly Days]
  • Amber Portwood is pregnant. [ONTD]
  • Look at this couple. [Page Six]
  • Look at this couple, too. [Us Weekly]

Staff Writer, Jezebel | Man

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Relevant lyric: “Trust him like a brother.”

yaaaa they are not dating.