Scary Movies for People Who Are Big Babies and Hate Scary Movies

Image: Flickr
Image: Flickr

Today, Friday the 13th, is a special day for scary movies, witches, black cat enthusiasts and me—a big baby who likes to be scared, but only a little bit.

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I am an adult who jumps when people call my name when I’m not expecting it—everything scares me! I watched half of Paranormal Activity from behind a fake pashmina with my glasses off, so that everything was kind of blurry but I could still sort of see, and I still had to sleep with the light on. Ouija, that movie about ouija boards that was arguably not scary, still scared the shit out of me. But being cozy and feeling scared about whether or not the Babadook lives in my linen closet is a nice fall feeling, so indulging in scary movies if you are me, a big baby, is a nice thing to do.

Here is how you, a big baby, can celebrate Friday the 13th: by watching gently terrifying horror films that are scary but not that much. Here are some good ones to start.

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The Sixth Sense

When you finally figure out the twist in this, a movie that M. Night Shyamalan made when he was still good, you won’t be scared. I managed to watch this film with my eyes open for all of the scenes—a real win.

Hocus Pocus

It’s a children’s movie about witches that is still sort of scary in the beginning—the talking book! A sad and weird animatronic black cat!—but you can safely watch this with your eyes open. I promise.

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Get Out

Looks like it’d be very scary from the trailer, but the ultimate twist is that it IS, just not for the reasons you’re thinking. Makes you think.

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Beetlejuice

He’s not scary, just annoying.

The scene in Sleeping Beauty when Rose pricks her finger.

Yes, it’s a children’s movie. Yes, it’s about a sleeping princess that wakes up after some dickbag on a horse slays a literal dragon and a salty evil queen. And yes, this scene where she pricks her finger on a fucking spinning wheel that’s glowing a radioactive green is still sort of scary.

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The Witch

Religion can be scary. The wilderness is very scary. Witches are scary. Black Philip isn’t, so it all works out.

Senior Writer, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

teamrockettes
teamrockettes

I love scary stuff but I got some good less-scary ones!

Clue, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Hocus Pocus (OF COURSE), Nightmare Before Christmas (is it a christmas movie? is it a halloween movie? should we just watch it during thanksgiving? idk, but i guess you can be sure it’s not scary!), Casper, That Backstreet Boy’s Music Video in the haunted castle or whatever?, the Thriller music video won’t scare you, Zombieland probz is ok 4 u, Mom’s Got a Date with a Vampire, Halloweentown, Shaun of the Dead, Scary Movie parodies aren’t scary.

Next tier, slightly-scary but also f*cking funny ones:

Cabin in the Woods, Jennifer’s Body, The Lost Boys (is it scary?)