Image via AP.

Contact: Stroller Rat

Location: Upper West Side

Posted In: Rats Seeking Babies

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I’m a svelte, inquisitive two-inch rat with brown hair just looking for a small baby I can settle down with. My friends say I’m friendly, though admittedly excitable; the perfect match would be a baby of calm temperament to counterbalance my energy, preferably one that sleeps a lot. I most like to spend my time darting around, shitting, and nibbling on stuff, so if you have room in your stroller and a couple of extra zwiebacks to spare, well, we could really learn to tango, sweet pea! I’m not afraid to tell you how I feel, or to succumb to my survival skills which kick in the moment we plow through the Ziploc bag of cheerios your mom packed for you earlier this morning. I will hunt for us, and if that doesn’t work, I will make do and hunt you. Never fear, kind baby, I’m a gentle gnawer! Let’s ride around Central Park and do the kinds of things that babies and rats do!