Everyone Knows What Poirot Is Supposed to Look Like and This Ain’t It

The fuck?

Despite what my personal brand on the internet might lead you to believe, I am not a Hercule Poirot superfan. (I read the one on the boat in Egypt, I guess?) Nevertheless, as someone who has some familiarity with basic cable in the late 1990s, I know that Hercule Poirot doesn’t look like this promotional image of Kenneth Branagh from the upcoming The Orient Express, via Entertainment Weekly. He looks like this:


Not this:


Again, Poirot:

Not Poirot:


Take that facial hair back where you got it, Kenneth, which I presume is the set of the 1993 mustache masterpiece Tombstone.

Senior Editor, Attic Haunter, Jezebel

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Looks like they blew the special effects budget on a Snapchat mustache filter.