In an office building or a house, one can be long on bathrooms. But in the bustling city, or a town with only a few Starbucks, bathrooms can be few and far between. So what do you do—or do others do—when nature calls, and it’s an emergency?
I have personally never seen the Jezebel staff as excited to share stories as they were for this specific pissing contest. It seems everyone has shat or puked in a place they weren’t supposed to—or been shat or pissed or puked on. I personally have too many stories to name—like when I puked in every bathroom at the Jezebel offices after a bad salad, or when I vomited out the window of a cab and the driver gave me an empty gift bag to use as a receptacle instead.
Emma got peed at on Elizabeth Street, by a woman who was leaning against a car on a cold day. Emma said, “It was super cold and early in the morning so no one was around, and as I approached she yelled out ‘I JUST CAN’T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER!’ And then she pulled down her pants and peed on the ground. I mention it was cold because steam came off the pavement.”
Kelly Stout once saw a woman pooping and smoking on the A train platform at Port Authority. Kelly said, “A guy shouted, ‘You can’t do that in here,’ and she shouted back, ‘It’s too cold to smoke outside.’”
On Madeleine’s first New Year’s Eve in New York, she went to a house party: “The moment I got there, they left because they wanted to have a romantic New Year’s alone. But they were the only people I really knew at the party so, to manage my anxiety, I started drinking a lot, which turned into way too much, which turned into me barfing in the bathroom. I decided I had to leave and as I was pulling on my shoes, I lost my balance and fell face-first into a doorknob in front of the whole party.”
Aimée was on a date at Pete’s Candy Store with a friend of her ex, and her ex was there too (I won’t ask questions), when all of a sudden she had to puke. She said, “I went to the bathroom and was puking in the sink while shitting in the toilet. Anyway, my ex and this date take me back to the place I was housesitting and I immediately go and throw up again and try to flush—and all the water had been turned off.”
But before we get to yours, let’s look at the worst times you got caught in a lie.
ChalupaBatwoman had to cover up a sleepover incident:
I was a bed wetter until I was like 8 or 9. One time at a slumber party I wet the bed in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping. So I took my underwear, rinsed them and stuck them in the freezer and staged the ‘frozen underwear’ prank on myself to cover my pee pee tracks and get some sympathy on side. Morning comes. Mom hosting discovers my undies and is mad at the other girls for what she perceives is bullying. They won’t fess up cause they didn’t do it. When my mom comes to get me the hosting mom says ‘So we had a little incident last night.’ My mom being my mom knowing I was an inveterate bed wetter was like ‘Oh no did you have an accident???’ Other girls heard. I got found out. Fortunately did not result in my complete ostracization but I still cringe at my 7 year old self.
DontBeSuchaBadHombreTina got caught in a very understandable
college middle school situation:
I was away at school and I didn’t have all my stuff yet and I stole another girl’s soap to shower (I mean, I put it back, but noticeably diminished). She called me out on it and I panicked and lied and EVERYONE SMELLED ME to confirm it was really her soap, which of course it was.
And BusPassTrollop curls up and dies lied so hard she broke the law:
My lie cost me thousands.
I was working a super shitty job. Sat in a cubicle with only a phone and sheet after sheet of names and phone numbers, calling people across this great nation to remind them of their doctors appointments. I wanted a day off so bad. I hated this job but was a bad spot in life and couldn’t afford to lose it. So I told my boss I had jury duty. Towards the end of my blissful day off he called and left a voicemail telling me to bring proof of my civic duty when I returned to work the next day.
I panicked. I went online, found the county seal and whipped up some bullshit jury duty notice, adding the county clerk’s signature.
He faxed it into the clerk minutes after I handed it to him. She told him it was fake, and she might press charges. I miraculously kept my job (did a lot of begging) & even found a much better one months later. No charges.
About six months later, I had to go to court for driving on a suspended license. Actually I’d already been to court for it, but this time I was supposed to go back to prove I’d done my volunteer work/paid fines, etc. He calls my name, and a bailiff walks up to handcuff me. There’s a grand jury indictment against me. Criminal impersonation and forgery.
Fuck. That bitch got me.
20K bond. Had to call new job and tell them I was in jail. I was REALLY fucking stupid in my twenties.
And even though poor sickgirl123 didn’t exactly get caught, she still had to find out what pepper spray was the hard way and we’ll throw her a bone:
Once my nana had to babysit me and she doesn’t speak English (and she had no TV) so the day was going by very slow. I was looking around the house and found pepper spray. I did not know it was pepper spray, and I probably didn’t even know that was a thing at that age. Anyways, I thought it was one of those sprays you squirt into your mouth to make your breath smell good like in Dumb and Dumber. So I frickin’ coated my mouth with pepper spray like a goddamn clown.
Queue being unable to breath and vomiting all over the place. But I was too scared to explain what I did because my mom would have murdered me for doing something so stupid. In a panic my nana calls 911 and explains that I’m mysteriously choking and vomiting. The fire department comes and they question me if I know what caused it, I lie and say “I don’t know, it just started happening.”
Next thing I know there are cops called to clear out my nana’s apartment building because there might be toxic fumes in the ventilation system. Now the whole section of her apartments is cleared and they’re all checking to make sure it’s safe. They find nothing, my mom picks me up, and I just lived the most embarrassing experience of 7 year old life.
I never fessed up though, this is literally my first time telling this story to anyone. My secret shame.
Okay guys, piss all over that comment section!