Season 3 of Bachelor in Paradise has been reliably excellent, as nothing will ever be bad about a group of hardbodied Instagram salesmen competing to be in relationships with each other in a crab-infested cabana with no air conditioning.
That said, before our beloved Ashley I. returned to Playa Escondida last week, things were feeling a little stale: Carly, who got brutally dumped at the end of last season of BiP, was beginning to enter into a deeply distressing relationship with Evan, an erectile dysfunction specialist with a goatee and three children; Amanda, from Ben’s season of The Bachelor, was the most sought-after woman in the house, despite—or more likely due to—having the demeanor of a traumatized chipmunk.
But ever since Ashley I. rolled in, sobbing immediately (just like old times!) when she discovered that Jared—a monosyllabic doormat and the love of her life—was coupled up with “that backstabbing whore” Caila, we’ve been back in business. Ashley I., age 28, is still an emotional wreck, still openly obsessed with a man who has professed zero interest in her numerous times, and still a virgin. In desperate need of a rose, Ashley submitted to a pep talk from Daniel, a lecherous Canadian with a tiny head who, on a date with Ashley in last week’s episode, visibly perked up when he discovered that she has not yet had sex. Daniel loves that!
This time, he had some good advice:
“You’re a virgin, so you feel like you want to wait for the right guy, but if you go on a whole bunch of dates, yanno, like, date five guys at the same time, slut it up a little bit—say you just [bleep] 10 different guys in a month and have 10 different [bleeps], you might like one of ‘em.”
In an interview, Daniel, who has possibly traveled to Mexico from the year 1914, told producers matter-of-factly that “I think a lot of guys want to sleep with Ashley. The fact that she’s a virgin is always a positive.”
Daniel then attempted to explain “why sleeping with a virgin is good,” but was restrained from doing so by the show’s editors, who were clearly having more fun with this show than they have ever had in their miserable lives. Anyway, Ashley didn’t end up getting Daniel’s rose, but she stuck around regardless, because Chris Harrison was not about to let a living, breathing volcano fly back to Los Angeles.