Page Six, the New York Post’s gossip section, almost killed me last night. Just after 10:00 pm Eastern Standard Time, the publication threw up two stories it sourced from its network of spies and insiders, and both of them offered a Kubrickian glimpse into the lives of the wealthy and megalomaniacal.

Let’s take a look at them.

Story 1:

This entire story is a head injury. First, there’s the image of Jack Antonoff (the guy from Fun, Bleachers, and Lena Dunham’s house) and his sister, fashion designer Rachel Antonoff, seeing the Leona Lewis-starring revival of Cats on Broadway for what was almost certainly a non-ironic family night out. Second, there’s the part where a spy recalls that the Antonoffs bought just about every bit of merch they could after the show—you know, because they genuinely love Cats and plan on wearing all the clothes. Third, they’re “spotted at the after-party holding up a giant bag and exclaiming, ‘This is what $1,200 of Cats stuff looks like!’”

After those concussions, Page Six slammed my head against the edge of my coffee table with this aside:

Meanwhile, former The Daily Show correspondent Mo Rocca was seen at the musical, “quietly weeping during ‘Memory.’”

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No one should be forced to picture that.

Story 2:

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This one is about Google’s “exclusive conference” for the tech elite, which was held in Sicily this year. They invited Pussy Posse member and part-time magician David Blaine to entertain them.

One spy told us, “David Blaine came to stage with a live frog in his stomach, and he regurgitated it on demand. Then, he swallowed it back. He says he’s training himself to create an aquarium in his stomach.” The source added, “Last act before lunch, urggh.” When asked about his new stunt, Blaine’s spokeswoman could only say, “That’s all probably true. He’s pretty amazing.”

“That’s all probably true.”

Though this is Page Six at its best—providing readers with an unfiltered look into the behavior of people who have more money and fame than they know what to do with—it’s also me at my worst: dead.

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[Page Six / Page Six]

Ozzy Ozbourne’s former mistress, Michelle Pugh, gave an exclusive interview to People. Though the full piece is only viewable in today’s print issue, the website did tease it with this quote:

“When I say he gave me the greatest love of my life, I mean it,” she tells PEOPLE exclusively about Ozzy, whom she claims first pursued her one year after she first colored his hair in late 2011. “He made me feel like the most beautiful and worshipped woman in the world.”

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I don’t mean to be rude, ma’am, but I don’t think Ozzy has been capable of that since at least 1991.

[People]

Here’s how Viola Davis reacted when a TMZ reporter asked if she might be nominated for an Oscar for Suicide Squad:

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We’re lucky to have her.

[TMZ]

  • Dina Lohan, the matriarch of a family filled with unreliable sources, says Lindsay isn’t pregnant. [TMZ]
  • Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. [Gossip Cop]
  • Celine Dion chose Bieber over Trudeau. [Lainey Gossip]
  • Look at William and Kate’s dopey little outfits. [Celebitchy]
  • Chris Brown is being sued over that shooting from 2014. [TMZ]
  • Chili needs to be careful! [Page Six]