
Currently popping up on all the websites you use to distract yourself from the misery and snoredom of your professional life is a conspiracy theory which posits that Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddlestonâthe newest celebrity couple making me want to fork my eyeballs straight outta my headâare staging their relationship for the sake of performance art. Hereâs something thatâs not a theory: Whether theyâre in a fake romance or not, Swift and Hiddleston are fucking dweebs and theyâre both in need of a chill pill.
As previously covered by Jezebel, Swift and Hiddleston frolicked in the surf at her Rhode Island home over Fourth of July weekend, alongside Swiftâs other famous pals Gigi Hadid, Blake Lively, and Abigail, the one who gave everything (as in sex) for nothing in âFifteen.â During their romp, Hiddleston, like a tween who just grew boobs and doesnât know what to do with them, wore a cloying âI LOVE TSâ tank top in the water, while Swift sported a new pair of... sunglasses... and a patriotic bikini.
It was all a little too cute, a little too self-reflective, and a little too public for a girl who continually derides the media for focusing on her âlong list of ex lovers,â while using the speculation over her highly publicized relationships to sell herself as a productâbe it âTaylor Swift the Scorned,â Taylor Swift in Love,â âTaylor Swift the Feminist,â or âTaylor Swift the Press-Mocking Performance Artist.â (And fair enough. Weâre all a part of the human centipede that is the media cycleâif youâre going to have to eat shit, you might as well get paid for it.)
The fan theories that Hiddleston and Swiftâs romance is some kind of glossy hoax or an attempt to make an elaborate music video arenât totally farfetched. From their first public encounter at the Met Gala to their performative Frenching on a jetty beneath a stormy sky as paparazzi snapped away, itâs all felt very forced in our faces. Either Taylor and Tom are truly obsessed with each other and want to scream it to the people of Italy like theyâre in a Diamonds Are Forever campaign or theyâre as fake as the moon landing. Or Kris Jennerâs face.
What it often comes down to with celebrity relationships is that ârealâ is a very loose term. So often are two famous people paired off to increase their fame, promote each otherâs projects, or raise each otherâs social clout that even if Swift and Hiddleston are pulling the A-list version of what Jon Lovitz and Jessica Lowndes did in March, it still seems about as legitimate as Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris or Taylor Swift and Harry Styles.
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Itâs fair to empathize with the celebrity prank. Living a life where the press jumps on any whisper of gossip about you and blows it out of proportion must be frustrating, so why wouldnât a personâsay, Taylor Swiftâwant to pull a fast one, even if it is on the very culture that made her rich and successful?
That said, what exactly would the prank be here? âWe told you we were dating and you believed usâ? âYou thought Tom Hiddleston was charming, but heâs actually as thirsty as a high maintenance house plantâ? âWe made out on some Roman ruins and you thought we had feelings for each otherâ? Haha, good one. Jokeâs on us.
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But whether Hiddleston and Swiftâs relationship is real, celebrity âreal,â or entirely staged doesnât matter because the outcome is mostly the same. By pairing off, both of themâtwo people with rabid fan bases and good reputationsâhave, among many, canceled out each otherâs good will. Hiddleston dancing on his own is charming, winning even, while Hiddleston with Swift reeks of desperation. Swift dating producer/DJ Calvin Harris made boring sense, but Swift breaking up with Harris and very publicly picking up with Hiddleston, the Internetâs Boyfriend, half a heartbeat later, makes her appear unkind.
If this is a prank, itâs a bad one. If itâs real, itâs eye roll-inducing. Either way, these two have tied themselves together like a couple of dorkwad anchors and are about to sinkâand by âsink,â I mean âgo onto make millions more dollars off their relationshipâ because, again, weâre all just taking mouths full of other peopleâs shit in this human centipede called life.
Image via the AP.