Dolls! This week’s episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians was a doozy. The A-Plot was Rob; the B-Plot was Rob; and the C-Plot was Rob. The tea was hot, having been steeped and over boiled for months. ‘Rob’ was the word of the night, even though he was never seen. Call Rob the Mad Hatter because all he’s serving at his party is tea. #LEGGO

Scene 1/Cold Open: Filmed on April 5, 2016

We open on our wounded warrior, Kris Jenner, shopping in Vail with family friend Sheila Kolker. Sheila, sensing something is amiss with her travel companion, asks Kris what’s going on. Kris shocks Sheila when she tells her friend that her only son is engaged to be wed to former exotic dancer, ex-fiancé to/current baby mamma of her youngest daughter’s boyfriend. Flabbergasted at her own reality, Kris tells Sheila that this news is why they’re aimlessly roaming around the store, and that she can’t really focus on anything because she’s so confused by the news. Sheila asks how Rob told his mother of his engagement, prompting Kris to admit that he hasn’t told her of the news personally, and that she will not be reaching out to her son. Kris continues to go in on her most wayward of children, sighing “I haven’t done anything to him, but give him an amazing life.” With that, something in Kris Jenner broke. She’s unable to engage in a FaceTime conversation with her pedestrian boo, Corey Gamble, mustering up only a blank stare off in the distance. Rob, all Kris Jenner did was put you on and this is how you re-pay her!?! This scene was filmed on April 5, 2016.

Scene 4: Filmed on April 5, 2016

The KKK (Kardashian, Kolkers, and Kraines) take in a midday meal between broken hearts and ski slopes. Kim huddles up in a corner on the phone as she talks to a friend about Rob’s engagement. Like the rest of the family, Kim is under the rightful impression that her brother must legitimately hate them all to pull such an elevated and hurtful stunt. Khloe hopes that this engagement holds no weight because Rob has fallen hard and fast for women like Adrienne Bailon and Rita Ora in the past. Tyga, who shockingly has yet to have his vocal cords removed, tries to be the voice of reason. He explains that Chyna has done way worse to him and despite her not being a bad person, she just wants the press. He also urges the family not to worry too much and just sit back to let the couple be, since it will eventually fizzle out. The family doesn’t really ingest the struggling rapper’s recommendations and continues to speculate on whether or not Rob truly gets off on driving a wedge between the family.

Kim, is also confused because she says she’s gone through such great lengths to protect Chyna’s feelings by not posting pictures with or of Tyga on social media because she knows how much of a soft spot Kyga is for Chyna. Then, Tyga who is still not done talking or existing, asks who will go to the wedding. He believes that Kris, who is still hurting, will have to go because she’s “mom” but is unsure about the others. Khloe thinks that none of them should go, but Kourtney, proving herself to be the REALEST of the brand, scoots her little chair up to the table and leans in so her family can hear her real good and says, “this family has so many weddings and they don’t mean shit.” Come thru and speak on the difference between a wedding and a marriage, preacher! Give us a sermon and lead us out in song!! Like Scene 1, this scene was filmed on April 5, 2016.

Scene 7: Filmed on April 5, 2016

An extremely vulnerable Kris Jenner heads up to a mountaintop with economical bae Corey Gamble, and the Kolkers. The plan was to have her kids meet them for a nice sunset and dinner, but no one seems to be showing. To take her mind off of her late (in time, not in death) kids, Kris checks her email. Kris—who still has not been personally told about Rob’s engagement—gets an email from a videographer asking to be considered for the wedding. Kris puts on her best acting pantalones and gives a dramatic reading of the email to the table. After getting a sad laugh from that moment, Kris calls Kim to get her ETA. Kim, who actually sounds remorseful, tells Kris that no one will make dinner because it’s already so late and no one’s ready. Kris who has been on the verge of tears since sun up musters up an “I don’t give a shit” affect and continues to enjoy her dinner with her friends and fur. Like Scenes 1 & 4, this scene was also filmed on April 5, 2016.

Scene 8: Filmed on April 5, 2016

Just because Kris’ kids couldn’t make her dinner doesn’t mean they couldn’t make their own. Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Scott, Kendall, Kylie and the of-childbearing-aged Kraines and Kolkers have dinner at their hotel restaurant. Like every other conversation in this episode, the group talks more about Rob. Kourtney is breaking down and thinks she might want to call Rob. Khloe is still vehemently against calling their brother. Tyga, who, oddly enough, hasn’t yet been chloroformed by a family member, broaches the topic of Chyna birthing a male heir with Rob’s sperm, making him the only living vessel to carry on the Kardashian name through the next generation. This is odd timing to mention Rob and Chyna offspring because they announced their pregnancy a month after this was filmed. So either the timing of his comment is eerie, or the whole gang knew about the pregnancy before the engagement. Nonetheless, Kourtney jokes that she’ll change the last names of her children to Kardashian, in front of Scott. After joking about their soiled lineage, the group makes a toast to family and Kris Jenner. Like the rest, this scene was also filmed on April 5, 2016.

Scene 10: Filmed on April 5, 2016

In glam, Kourtney, Kim, Khloe and Kylie continue to dissect the Rob/Chyna news. Kim pulls up an article from TMZ slamming the family for their silence on the matter, claiming that Rob went to “great lengths” to hide the engagement from them. All of the sisters, save Kylie, think that their silence is golden, with Khloe threatening that the first one to post something is “weak.” With that, Kylie meekly offers up Tyga’s newest tweet to the room. As Kylie reads aloud his blessing of the union, Kim looks on in disgust. Kylie thinks the tweet squashed any perceived beef between the family in the press, because now it looks like they don’t care, which means the world won’t care. The older sisters aren’t buying this, so Kylie shuts her Lip Kit Lips. This scene was also filmed on April 5, 2016.

Scene 16: Filmed on April 6, 2016

Kris Jenner, Kim and Kanye Kardashian West, Khloe Kardashian and Corey Gamble take in a meal of sushi and tea. For the first time in this episode, Kim talks about something other than Rob and asks Khloe about Kocktails with Khloe’s kancellation. Khloe says that she’s happy it’s over because it wasn’t her vision anymore. Kanye isn’t buying it because he thinks that her lost vision is even more of an impetus to keep the show going and really make it her own. Khloe sort of agrees, because she wants something similar to Kocktails to run on her app. After that’s out of the way, the regularly scheduled programming of ruining Rob’s name on national television continues. Khloe is (SHOCKER) still pissed at ya boy Rob, and thinks his link to the family needs to be cut. She thinks his weakness is bringing down the whole family and cracking the foundation on which their fame and livelihood was built. While talking about Rob, Kris gets her first message from him and he’s asking her to call him once she’s alone. She doesn’t respond. Kim, who I think feels left out of the rage and drama, decides that she should be the first person to reach out to Rob since she’s had experience with their family hating a partner. This ends the tea party. This scene was filmed on April 6, 2016.

Scene 23: Filmed on April 7, 2016

The family finally departs Vail and on their private jet ride home, Kris, Kim, Khloe and Kanye recap how great of a time they had, despite the Rob drama. The only family members that didn’t make it on the flight back home are Kourtney, Scott, and their children, who stayed behind to make more memories. Kourtney, who treats memories like government mandated vaccinations. Kim, who sent a message to her brother the day before, still waits on his response as they fly into the sunset towards home. This scene was filmed on April 7, 2016.

Well! I’ve gotta run to my doctor to see if they can pick my jaw up off the floor because I’m afraid the damage is permanent. I’ll give you a medical update next time when the Gods (ME) offer up another KUWROB re-cap on #KUWTKE. #ROBROBROBROB

Mariah Smith is a writer and comedic performer who keeps up with the Kardashians. For more Keeping Up With The Kontinuity Errors, click here. You can follow her on Twitter @mRiah.

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