This Very Hairy Baby Scares Me and I Feel Bad About That

I don’t have many fears, aside from the normal stuff—Beyoncé dying, arugula, unmoderated internet comments. But I am fucking terrified of this baby born with a full head of hair. I’m not proud of myself, but here we are.

Two-and-a-half-month-old baby Izzy was discovered after her mother, Mackenzie Kaplan, posted a picture of her new daughter on Facebook. Thousands of commenters were like, “Yo, how was that tiny baby born with more hair than Bruce Willis has ever had at one time in his entire life?”


Good Morning America anchor Amy Robach called Izzy “follicly blessed,” but I think what she meant to say was, “the baby reincarnation of Elvis Presley.”

Damn, guys, I don’t know. Izzy is very cute but I also want her as far away from me as possible.


A wise African proverb once (probably) said, We are afraid of that which we don’t understand. I already don’t know much about babies, so I’m not sure why I should be expected to accept that this baby’s scalp developed at triple the rate of the rest of her body.

According to Izzy’s grandmother, her father was also born with a lot of hair. However, we don’t have any receipts on that claim and the Bank of Kara Brown’s Common Sense just ain’t cashing that check.


The one thing that settles me is that baby Izzy and her mights might just be fucking with all of us and if so, I must say: You got me, guys. You got me good.

God bless baby Izzy and her barber. Izzy, you’re perfect. I’m the one with a problem and I apologize. At the same time, I love myself, flaws and rude opinions included.


All I’m saying is, this is going to be a hard image to forget.


Screenshots via Good Morning America.

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