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Star gets gynecological this week, with the candidate for Most Unsettling Headline of the Week: "Ashton Rushed To Ovulating Demi!"


Somehow I never pictured Demi doing anything as mundane as ovulating. Or menstruating, if it comes to that.


I imagined she'd have someone to take care of it all. You know, like J-Lo has a separate waxer for each of her eyebrows. Demi would have some discreet little woman in charge of tampon stuffing. And she gets fired if Demi leaks.

Speaking of J-Lo, she's got some egg problems of her own, says Star. Apparently, she must be trying to get pregnant because she's showing gray roots in her hair. Which in the world of celebrity weeklies is a key sign of pregnancy because everybody knows that pregnant women shouldn't dye their hair.

Except Gwen Stefani, ovbiously.

Anyway, J-Lo is totally dying to get preggers, and has been for as long as celebrity weeklies have been around. But Star has decided that a "thyroid condition" she was "reportedly" "diagnosed" with in 2001, plus the fact that at nearly 37 she's OLD OLD OLD, means she'll have have to use someone else's eggs to welcome the sperm of the living corpse that is Marc Anthony.

Unless she doesn't. Because she's already pregnant. Unless she isn't.