Khloe Kardashian did not attend her sister Kim’s 35th birthday bash yesterday, as she wanted to remain close to her ailing husband Lamar. That’s sweet to hear, and I’m happy for them both. But let’s talk about Kim’s birthday, shall we?
It sounds terrible. Like, truly awful. Take, for instance, the cake. Just look at that hideous thing! First of all, what the hell is a “pregnant birthday”? I know Kim’s pregnant and that it was her birthday, but are “pregnant birthdays” a thing people other than Kanye and Kim celebrate? Doubtful.
But wait, it gets worse.
Time reports Kanye made guests “wear fake baby bumps to honor his pregnant other half.” Think about that for a second. You show up to the luxury movie theater Kanye has rented wearing your Wednesday best, and Kanye greets you at the door with a giant rubber belly. “Put this on under your clothes,” he says. You stare at him for a few moments, confused. Is this a joke? Are you in the right place? Might this be a dream? But no, he shoves the fake belly in your chest once more. “Put it on. Kim wants you to wear it. And it’s my job to make Kim happy.”
So you slide it on under your clothes, walk into the lobby, and see scores of guests wearing the same bumps—each of them emotionlessly sipping expensive champagne as though being forced at gunpoint. This isn’t fun, you think. This is like being trapped in Kim and Kanye’s dollhouse.
And it’s not over yet.
As you take a bite of pregnant birthday cake (which is surprisingly dry and will probably go straight to your fake belly) Kanye grabs the mic and makes an announcement. “Put down you cake and follow me. It’s time to watch Steve Jobs.”
Because that’s what happened. He made all the guests watch Steve Jobs. During a birthday party. While wearing fake baby bumps.
Rosie O’Donnell’s D-I-V-O-R-C-E from Michelle Rounds became final Wednesday. The two were “all smiles” when leaving the courthouse, after which O’Donnell told reporters:
“There’s peace in the Middle East. It’s done. We’ve settled. We’re both very happy about the outcome.”
Later, Rounds said, “I feel great.” But because the two reportedly had a prenup, she probably didn’t feel as great as she could have.
Look at this photo of Christina Aguilera’s daughter being repulsed by Blake Shelton:
- None of you actually believe Amy Schumer and Bradley Cooper are dating, right? We all get that it’s a big joke? Honestly when I imagine them announcing they’re actually dating my entire body seizes up and I can’t move for like 30 seconds. [E! Online]
- It’s funny imagining that the two things in this headline are somehow related. [THL]
- Sarah Silverman says Michael Sheen “classes [her] up.” I always forget they’re dating! I’ll probably forget by the next bullet. [People]
- Here’s Wilmer and Demi being boring. [Us Weekly]
- SARAH SILVERMAN AND MICHAEL SHEEN ARE DATING?
- Jeremy Renner’s job isn’t to help women get equal pay, his job is attempting to be a rock star! [Page Six]
- Sean Penn’s daughter on his relationship with Madonna: “They’re just really good friends and [I think] it’s sweet that they can have this relationship.” [Just Jared]
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