TMZ is reporting Jimmy Fallon canceled the taping of his show today due to a “hand injury.” (I don’t think I can remember the last time a celebrity had a hand injury?) His rep said the incident happened “early this morning in his apartment” and that, after going to the hospital, “a specialist recommended he have surgery immediately.”
But how the hell did this happen? How did he injure his hand? Sounds like it’s time for another Jezebel In-guess-tigation.
This is the tamest theory, and one I include because it has happened to me. What if he woke up and decided to cook a nice big breakfast before heading to work? It’s possible. Jimmy’s a family man. So he cracks some eggs into a pan, starts frying up some bacon, and throws a couple slices of bread in the toaster. Once those eggs are fried, he grabs the handle to slide them onto a plate - but whoops! It’s a cast-iron pan! Not the non-stick one he usually cooks on! The handle is H-O-T hot. He drops the skillet on the floor and screams after noticing the flesh peeling off his palm.
His wife calls 9-1-1. An ambulance arrives in less than five minutes. Everyone remains hungry.
The story of Jimmy’s injured hand broke a few hours after the Supreme Court’s same-sex marriage ruling was announced, which leads me to believe this may have been some kind of celebratory wound. Imagine Jimmy, sitting in his living room and watching the historic news announced on television. He tears up. He smiles. He hugs his wife and kids. But then details of Scalia’s dissent start making their way into the news. He can’t believe it. He’s fuming mad. Scalia is a monster, he thinks, and he should be punished. Jimmy swings his fist into Scalia’s face - which happens to be displayed on Fallon’s 65” Samsung UHD Curved TV. Shards of glass go inside his knuckles, but he doesn’t scream. This pain, he thinks, isn’t as bad as the pain of the LGBTQ community as they struggled for equal rights.
TMZ’s story provides photos of Jimmy—allegedly taken last night—posing for snapshots with fans at a restaurant in Manhattan’s Upper East Side. The story claims he left at 9:00 “and went home,” but what did he do once he got there? Maybe he turned on a TV show, whipped out his favorite bottle of bourbon, and started a night of heavy drinking. By 4AM, he was nearly caught up with Hannibal, but not tired enough to go to bed. As his wife and kids slept, he pulled out his acoustic guitar and began working on a new song. He strummed with so much passion that a guitar string came loose and snapped back on his left hand—causing a four-inch tear in his skin. Blood was everywhere, and the song remains unfinished.
This begins the same way as the last theory, but instead of pulling out his guitar, he pulls out another bottle and turns on more Hannibal. Jimmy drinks slowly, but the bourbon is strong and intensity with which it enters his bloodstream feels like an act of violence. He starts thinking about things that upset him. Arguments he’s had with his wife. Guests who’ve been unwilling to play beer pong. He can’t take it, so he throws the glass against the wall and then punches the same spot. The wall doesn’t give—it’s a sturdy construction—but his knuckles shatter and poke through his skin. Jimmy makes himself another glass of bourbon before pouring the remainder of the bottle onto his wound. The pain is unfathomable, but he doesn’t even flinch.
This one also begins the same way as the guitar theory, only instead of coming home after leaving the restaurant, he goes to Seth Meyers’s apartment, rings his buzzer, shouts, “Hey Seth! Think fast!” and punches him in the face.
Then he goes home and watches Hannibal.
Jimmy woke up earlier than usual, and he was feeling a little frisky. He brushed his wife’s shoulder, and she pushed him away. “Come on,” she said, “I need to sleep.” But before long, she began giggling and gave in to her husband’s charms. “Just make it fast. We need to get the kids ready early this morning,” she said. So cracked his knuckles and went to work. He tried his best to take care of business as quickly as possible, but before long his muscles just couldn’t take the stress. His fingers seized up—leaving his hand frozen and his wife unsatisfied.
She sighed and called the doctor.
Same as above, only he was alone.
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