Hey, quick question? Would you fuck to the Jurassic Park theme?

Of course you would. The Jurassic Park theme is triumphant, moving, and satisfying—all key factors in good fucking music. That’s probably why, for the first time, it’s number one on a Billboard chart. Because all of you can’t stop fucking to it.

Now that we’ve admitted to ourselves that we’re all fucking to the Jurassic Park theme, possibly even while reading this blog, let’s try to open our minds to the dozens of other film themes by composer John Williams that you could potentially be laying pipe to. From Star Wars to Hook to Angela’s Ashes,Williams has given us fucking song after fucking song, so let’s talk about the best and the worst.

5. Schindler’s List

Why is she doing this?” you’re probably asking yourself, which is a fair enough question. The only answer I can give you is that I was talking with my coworkers about how I’d be down to bone to the Jurassic Park theme and things got vaguely out of hand from there.

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Anyway, you shouldn’t fuck to to the Schindler’s List theme because it’s too sad. Unless that does it for you, in which case go for it. I will not judge you.

4. Saving Private Ryan

I mean, you probably could, but do you want to?

3. Hook

Hell yeah, baby. Now we’re cooking with gas.

2. Star Wars: A New Hope, “Cantina Theme”

IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT JUST THESE JAZZY ALIENS?

1. Jurassic Park

I already said that the Jurassic Park theme is the best John Williams song to fuck to, but—just to be CRYSTAL CLEAR—I’ve specifically been talking about this version. HACHI MACHI. Mommy liiiiiike.

So tell me, friends: What John Williams score do you usually fuck to?


Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.

Image via Jurassic Park/Universal Pictures.

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