Your Most Disastrous Family Summer Vacation

Illustration for article titled Your Most Disastrous Family Summer Vacation

School’s wrapped up for the year, which means that families across America will soon be packing into cars and hitting the open road for summer vacation. While the purpose of these trips is typically to bond and form memories, they so often (and so easily) go wrong, which is why today’s Pissing Contest is devoted to your most disastrous family summer vacations.


Maybe you got the flu while visiting Disney World like our very own Kara Brown. Maybe your aunt tried to offer you cocaine on a family trip to Las Vegas, which is something that happened an anonymous Jezebel staffer. Or maybe you, like me, went on a canoe trip with your dad a few days after a massive flood and arrived to find the river banks that you were paddling passed strewn with dead (drowned) animal carcasses (mostly deer and, in one case, a semi decapitated cow). Or maybe—MOST PREFERABLY—you have a vacation disaster story that’s so unique that it can’t be topped.

For last week’s Pissing Contest, we celebrated the wonderful and magically tacky world of high school senior photos and—hoo, boy!—did you all deliver some beauties. Among the cream of the crop:

Check out Pie-pie, whose glamour shot is so urbane and chic that you might mistake her for a Sex and the City extra.


Or WellWhatHappenedWas, who posed on the beach in a full sweatsuit.

Commenter Satan (lol) spent her teen years as a beautiful vampire.


While SomeLolitaBullshit was basically a dELiA*s model.


collodioncrusted wins for best bangs.

But, tied for first, are our crown jewels, Domesticon and lborealis. Similar poses, different vibes, both winners.


Alright, now buckle your seatbelt, get your car games ready, and start talking about your worst family summer vacations because fail to do so and so help me god, I will turn this car around and drive us straight back home so that NO ONE gets to go to Mount Rushmore. Do you hear me???

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Image via Vacation/Warner Bros.

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RaisedByHeathens Orange Meanie-Pants

ooh! Ooh! My mom’s family is from S. Florida, so “family vacation” always meant “visit Gramma and Grampa in Ft. Lauderdale. Cool. It has a beach! My grandparents live like, on the damn beach so my brother and I would jump out of the car, throw on a swim suit and run head long into the water on a semi public-ish beach (houses, no life guard open to the public kind of deal). So this one summer I go tear assing into the water and straight into one of the largest jellyfish schools to ever float by South FLA. I emerge from the surf a horrible pain monster with tentacles wrapped around my arms and legs and throat already turning a bright red. I look like the last girl in a slasher flick. My mother is screaming and pulling tentacles off of me and trying to remember what will reduce the pain and yelling for someone to bring a car and take me to the ER. This is the point where a good samaritan (???) runs up, tells my mother with great authority that ammonia will reduce the inflammation- “Ma’am ammonia! Like in urine!” He proceeds to drop trou in front of an already freaking out 10 year old me and my hysterical mother and unleash a cascade of piss in my face, and over my seared jellyfish tortured body. Finally my dad has shown up with the car and they trundle my pee scented body off to the hospital. ONLY when we finally get to medical professionals do my parents realize that... dude, a guy just URINATED on our underage daughter. That is NOT COOL. But by the time the cops get to the beach the mysterious beach whizzing wunderkind has already disappeared. Probably to go pee on someone new.