Hey, Quick Question: You Ready to Bluetooth That Clit or What?

Illustration for article titled Hey, Quick Question: You Ready to Bluetooth That Clit or What?

Well, are you? It'll be just like this picture, except the Bluetooth will be encased in medical-grade silicone and implanted right on your clitoris, just like Grandma used to do.

Let's just run through the press release that prompted this:

Conceived of by Fun Factory Founder and CEO Dirk Bauer and developed with a team of German doctors, the V-shaped, blue tooth-controlled implant sits against the clitoral legs, stimulating the clitoris's inner structure. Currently, one Beverly Hills-based plastic surgeon offers the procedure, although Fun Factory hopes to make it more widely available.


Fun Factory, by the way, is a sex toy company that includes the category "Smartballs."

Orgasmia™ emits a mild, silent vibration that targets the entire clitoris, not just the glans. The device can be used on its own for hands-free orgasms, to enhance the experience of sex with a partner, or to address a variety of sexual complaints, including unsatisfying intercourse, extended separation from a partner, or even lack of time for sex. Even better than the long-awaited "female Viagra," Orgasmia™ gives women control over their arousal and pleasure.

I am not sure what the glans are, and I'm not sticking around to find out.

The motor nestles against the pelvis, and users report that they stop noticing it after only 3-4 days of use. Inspired by the design of Thermal Electric watches, the device automatically recharges using body heat. As with all Fun Factory products, Orgasmia™ is encased in medical grade silicone. While the implant can be synced to respond to remote commands from a number of electronic devices, including many smartphones, Fun Factory also offers a variety of discreet remote controls designed to look like rings, wristwatches, necklaces, and more.


Take that first line with a grain of medical grade silicone: I'm going to guess that whatever "users" have signed up for a clinical trial of a Bluetooth Clit Implant (TM), they have far less finicky nether regions than you and me. Finally:

Orgasmia™ is implanted in a reversible outpatient procedure. The motor comes with a 20 year guarantee; after that, the company will cover half the cost of replacements or upgrades. With the procedure included, Orgasmia™ retails at $6500.


Well, sign me up. Actually, I already signed up. The woman in this rendering is me.

Illustration for article titled Hey, Quick Question: You Ready to Bluetooth That Clit or What?

Images via Shutterstock, Fun Factory

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I can imagine this going so, so wrong. What if someone (an enemy, say) got their hand on your remote device and made you orgasm non-stop during an important meeting? What if your boyfriend/girlfriend controlled the remote device and you dump him or her, forgetting they had the remote? What if the silicone breaks off and ruins your clit FOREVER. Damn man. I'd rather just use a vibrator.