My fellow Americans, welcome to Jezebel's State of the Union liveblog.
Tonight, Anna Merlan, Natasha Vargas-Cooper, me, and a few tentatively planned and possibly flaky other Jezebel staffers will wax whatever about this, the most rhetorically soaring night of promises from our commander-in-chief and aggressively sour linemouths from the GOP.
Erin: Serious question: Was this article about Obama's speechwriter written by an actual penis.
Anna: Written by a throbbing erection, clearly.
Natasha: Hard-bitten and muscular prose.
Erin: Throbbing beards.
Natasha: She sat down to write about the President. The river outside smoothed down the stones until they were small and hard. She wanted to find strong words that were also true. She blew a blue plume of smoke and turned to Chris. "Say, do you think the rich are different?"
Chris said no more. She looked towards the river.
Erin: QUEEN IN THE HOUSE.
Natasha: I still think Chuck Hagle is handsome
Erin: Sam Power in the house. Ellie, your best friend.
Natasha: BOEHNER LOOKING MAD GLOW-Y
Erin: Boehner looks like he just got done golfing on the surface of the sun.
Natasha: Do you think the glow from his skin is fueling climate change? Like it's melting the seas.
Anna: I think sheep farts and John Boehner's skin-glow are creating global warming yes.
Anna: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. Glad FLOTUS did away with the shortlived bangs.
Julianne: That is next level power dressing.
Anna: First standing O of the night for jobs. Let's keep count shall we?
Anna: 9/11 generation. Fuuuuuck that's depressing.
Ellie: Thought he was gonna say shadow of Christ.
Erin: Shadow of Christ?
Ellie: Shadow of crisis. Shadow of christ
Natasha: The shadow of christ compells you
Natasha: Do you guys realize this speech was written by a man with a beard, a single malt scotch, and a dream?
Kate: They were young and in love, in America" - a rejected Bruce Springsteen lyric.
Anna: Hell, a successful Springsteen lyric.
Erin: Kate, it's a Mellencamp lyric.
Kate: You're right. Mellencamp it is.
Anna: This is very Reaganish, honestly. Morning in America, safety, security, terror touched our shores.
Erin: 92% of MSNBC viewers agree with the president right now. What a coup. Who are the 8% of MSNBC viewers who are like FUCK THIS! FUCK THIS! NO!
Kate: OUR SECRETARY OF ENERGY LOOKS CRAZY
Anna: Obama says he'll veto any anti-Obamacare bills
Erin: I love how he says "veto" VEEH-TOE
Natasha: What were you guys doing in 2007?
Erin: Fucking douchebags.
Anna: Also fucking douchebags.
Erin: Natasha, here's your child care.
Natasha: Make it free!
Anna: The manly muscular prose really comes through
Erin: "It's time we stop treating child care as a side issue, or as a women's issue"
Anna: GOD FORBID IT BE A WOMEN'S ISSUE
Julianne: Terrible phrasing
Natasha: WOMEN'S ISSUES: NOT A SIDEPIECE
Anna: I would appreciate SOTU much more if it was an honest acknoweldgment of our failures as a nation
Erin: PAID SICK LEAVE. Can't wait to have 10 babies and stay home sick eating bonbons and watchin' my stories.
Ellie: All the ladies here are birds of paradise.
Natasha: I know this is all theater and kabuki, but I would really appreash more people standing up for like, human rights?
Anna: Joe biden LEADS THE STANDING O for equal pay for women. Joe Biden LOVES equal pay for women.
Natasha: Here is my middle class economic platform: 1) Card check for unions 2) free universal child care 3) free college. DONE. COUNTRY SOLVED. NEXT.
Julianne: Did he just bring up... eliminating polio
Anna: Really is it necessary to spend this long on free trade and polio, and not a damn word about Eric Garner. It's an absolutely stunning omission. [Ed note: We'd all read copies
Natasha: That's a big fuck up. Do you think Hemingway cut it?
Anna: ... almost as though his speech was written by a WHITE MAN who makes reference to WOMEN'S ISSUES. I don't know if it's just the coffee kicking in but I'm get v. grouchy about this
Erin: "He didn't concern himself with that. The violence. The violence in the streets. The police said they had the right man. And he knew that they were telling the truth."
Natasha: We put polio on the moon.
Erin: I'm going to sound like a whiner here, but it's kind of stupid to talk about going to the moon when I'm not even sure that I have a legal right to what's going on inside of my own body. Fine, go to the fucking moon. And stay the fuck out of my nethers.
Natasha: I think that's legit Erin!!! White dudes love MOONS.
Ellie: & terrorists
Anna: "Unilateral" and "relentless" also good terms to describe our approach to abortion laws, speaking of.
Natasha: You guys can have the moon if we have our WOMBS.
Ellie: Obama is really stubborn about calling it ISIL. He's like, I want to stand out from the crowd.
Anna: I am disappointed in this speech in the same ways I am disappointed in Obama's second term, so at least the symmetry is nice
Julianne: UGHHHHHHHHH "authorizing use of force against isis." Soooo it's all be unauthorized up to now?
Anna: Hey there's our next unwinnable forever war.
Julianne: Might as well be the moon. The man on the moon.
Anna: Applause for use of force is not strong
Natasha: Boehner was not down with the use of force
Julianne: JOHN MCCAIN IS STILL ALIVE?!?!?!?!
Kate: So on abc news, the organization of topics they've laid out is cybersecurity, EBOLA, climate change and then VALUES. Ebola gets its own category.
Anna: What about Ebola Values? Where do we stand, as a nation, on those?
Natasha: I hope Obama urges a swift resolution on the 'Jobs' movie
Julianne: PEOPLE ARE MORE UNITED ON HACKING THAN JOBS
Erin: Honestly the "especially our kids" clause in this bit about protecting America from hacking is so puzzling to me.
Julianne: Is obama having a midlife crisis, now that his daughters are teens? This is my theory. He's sounding more like Old Dad than ever.
Natasha: Nobody knows that Biden is the sun.
Anna: We prohibit torture unless we call it something else and we prohibit the use of drones except on people we do not like. Including American citizens
Julianne: Yeah or you know, murdered teens.
Natasha: EYES ON THE MOON ANNA
Anna: I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT THE MOON. Hey can I get an abortion there if I need one?
Natasha: YELP moon abortions
Anna: Would actually sooner move to the moon than back to Texas tbh
Kelly: Wait are there maybe daycares on the moon? Maybe in the lunar convent?
Anna: Would spend 100 years on the moon before another six months in Dallas.
10:05 pm [Note: this is the part in his speech when the President mentioned abortion]
Natasha: I'm getting irrationally angry at Hemingway!?!
Julianne: That woman's right to choose line...
Kelly: Lol cool bold stance for reproductive rights.
Julianne: "We still may not agree"
Julianne: Really fucking pissed me off
Erin: Fuck this. This is the fucking worst.
Julianne: With its TOSSED OFF BULLSHIT
Erin: You have DAUGHTERS. You have DAUGHTERS and a VERY STRONG WIFE.
Natasha: AT LEAST TEENS ARENT AS PREGNANT
Kate: We can come together but actually no we can't"
Natasha: I know you guys all don't agree! FUCK WHAT YOU DON'T AGREE WITH
Erin: He talked about abortion rights in the most timid possible way.
Erin: I expected more boldness out of the bearded erect penis that wrote the speech.
Natasha: How did we get mention after polio and the moon.