What's the Dumbest Way You've Ever Gotten Hurt?

Illustration for article titled Whats the Dumbest Way Youve Ever Gotten Hurt?

Welcome back to Pissing Contest where each week we share and compete with our lives' most ridiculous stories. This week, we're talking about out the dumbest ways we've ever gotten injured.

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Stab yourself in the leg while whittling (like I did)? Fall on top of a laundry cart and break said laundry cart in front of dozens of strangers (like I did)? Trip face first into a door knob at a New Year's Eve party and wake up with a black eye (like I did)? Bruise your face because you were trying to type while lying down and ended up dropping your lap top on your own head (LIKE I DID)? Whatever happened, we want to hear about it—just so long as it's incredibly dumb and painful.

I'm not the only Jezzie to hurt herself in idiotic and ridiculous ways. Our brave leader Emma Carmichael, then a young co-ed, bruised her lip in an aggressive make-out session and then told everyone that she bit her lip while biking (okay, Emma). Jia Tolentino once didn't realize that the (actual) bike she was riding didn't have hand breaks until she was riding down a very steep hill. Rather than try peddling backwards, she slid off the back like champ. Best of all, one Jezebel staffer, who will remain anonymous, once bruised her tailbone while giving a blowjob in the shower. And our critics say we're a bunch of uptight prudes!

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But before you get on with telling your stories, let's honor iwillhavewater, the winner of last week's Pissing Contest where you shared your best quitting stories:

I worked at a fairly large cadillac dealership in the service department. The service department consisted of a very long building with service stalls on both sides and the dispatch office (where I worked) was right in the middle. I was one of the very few females employed in this department. It was a fun job but the new general manager was a boob talker. Always talked to my boobs. I hated it. All the mechanics knew I hated it and they would take joy watching any time I had to interact with general manager. I had already decided to leave this job and move to Chicago. I probably would've given notice and done it the proper way but general manager caught me on a bad day. There we were, me, my boss, and general manager, standing in the middle of the entire service department, being watched by all the mechanics as general manager talked to me (my boobs) and my boss. As the stares and giggles from the surrounding mechanics became more obvious I couldn't help myself. I bent down and started speaking to general manager's dick. His face started going gradual shades of red to purple when he finally sputtered "WHAT are you doing?!" and I replied with "I'm talking to your dick so you will know how it feels when you talk to my boobs. It's not very fun is it?" All the mechanics started guffawing - they also did not like general manager. General manager stormed off and about 20 minutes later I was told not to come back tomorrow. Ended up moving to Chicago, got a great job and never regretted talking to that guy's dick.

Congrats to iwillhavewater! But remember—this week's contest is anyone's game! Just please be careful not to hurt yourself while telling your painful tales of humiliating woe.

Image via PCN.

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DISCUSSION

arischwartz
Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark

Oh Christ, where do I begin?

  1. My friends and I stupidly discovered that you can light hairspray on fire, and decided to see what happens if you burn it while it's on your hands. Second degree burns. That's what.
  2. I shocked myself a ton of times while renovating my condo. Voltage tester? Meh. Just turn off a bunch of circuits and hope that socket/switch is covered. What can go wrong? I swear I still have an arrhythmia.
  3. I couldn't tell if a car cigarette lighter was working, so I touched it. It was working.
  4. As a kid, I decided to see what happens if you drop a heavy object on your head because I was curious if you literally saw stars. All I saw was 10 minutes of pain.
  5. I once decided to try out using shampoo as a lube because I thought it felt slippery. I ended up burning my urethra and peeing fire for a week. That one was... not fun.
  6. I pushed down a bamboo stalk because I wanted to make a shitty catapult. The only thing I launched was a piece of my cheek off my face.
  7. I once was eating Chinese food, used my fingers to pick up and move one of those dried peppers, and then proceeded to rub an itch in my eye with the same finger. I wasn't really looking out for myself that time...

Hmm. I could probably come up with more, but that's a good short list.