How Did Those 2014 Trends Work Out For You? (Not Good. Trends Stupid)

Illustration for article titled How Did Those 2014 Trends Work Out For You? (Not Good. Trends Stupid)

Tis the season for the Wheel of Consumption to foist upon women an arbitrary need to "start fresh" in ways that involve wide-legged trousers, by which I mean all that listicle content that's weakly shrilling HOT TRENDS FOR 2015 Y'ALL! Vogue picks (among others) mismatched earrings, gingham, suede, "bohemian evening," and gladiator sandals; Pop Sugar agrees with the suede, adding "out-of-the-ordinary animal prints," apron skirting, statement stripes, and The New High Neckline to the mix. Do you have ear cuffs? No? Two thousand and late, babe.

Luckily, the true trend for next year is the same as it was this year: the hot-ticket S/S item of Hey I See You Just Doing You. You're not going to go out and buy a gingham suede apron festooned with giraffe stripes and matching earcuff for your Bohemian Evening 2015. You're just not. As proof, let's take a brief look back at what was predicted this time last year for 2014.

From the Huffington Post:

• Cropped jackets

*crops my jacket out of the Instagram frame because it looks wrinkly*

• Wide-legged pants

Mine make me look amazing: here's a pic.

• Tea-length skirts

I just googled "tea-length" to make sure. 95% bridal, much like my everyday look.


• Shift blouse

*slithers up from under the table with my discount card from the feminist bookstore* What about..... second shift blouses?

Really makes you think.

From Bustle:

• The sailor look

Only appropriate for toddlers and stuffed bears.

• Western style

Pair prairie-level infant mortality with a 67-inch leather belt and KEWL SUNNIES


• Optical illusion prints


• "Sculpture garden"


• Gray

50 Times I'll Throw Shade at These Headline Formulations

• Fashionable pleating

If we're gonna start putting FASHIONABLE in front of all these trend names.....


From Glamour:

• "Ego-boosting embellishments"

Like Girl, he totally texted me that toooooooooooo

• "Future florals"

"Fabrics that time travel"

• Pink


• "True rock-mance"

So a sort of like "I have coke................................." deal

• "Look-at-me dresses"

So "dresses"

• Lace

Workplace only

• Mismatching

I do this every day naturally! I've never needed trends to tell me what's good.


From the Daily Mail:

• "Hats"

Right now I'm wearing a beanie that my boyfriend says makes me look like a "Jersey Smurf"


• Iridescence

*~* lUv BeInG sWeAtY *~*

• "Jackets"

A matter of necessity, Daily Mail

• Matching


• "Organza"

My only reference for this is Gone With the Wind and I'm going to leave it that way


• "Typography"

Nothing is more fashionable than a girl who knows how to type!

• "Underwear"

Sorry, nothing is more fashionable than a traditional Genital Shield!

• Zippers

Also shoelaces, belt loops.

From Glamour, again:

• "Calf-length everything"

Calf-length underwear and zippers for 2014!!!

• Fringe


• Flats

Walking: sooooooo chill

• Long pleats

*unfurls a tape measure like a Cinderella rat* 36 INCHES OF PLEATING FOR MY QUEEN


• Short pleats

*snaps the tape measure back suspiciously* FUCK YOU

I meant what I said earlier about the only true trend being You Doing You, I See You Girl. But I also mean what I'm saying now, that the only True Trend is being rich, tall, thin, and in possession of an abundance of unstructured leisure time. There is no other way to wear calf-length short pleats with iridescent hats that say "Look At Me" or whatnot. Hot For 2015: being a fetch little female d-bag. You got it or you don't.

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Day look for 2015: Sweatpants or pajama bottoms, tank top or thermal, fuzzy socks.

Night look for 2015: Sweatpants or pajama bottoms, tank top or thermal, fuzzy socks. If you're lucky, I'll brush my hair.