Troop Beverly Hills turns 25 this year, which is probably a quarter of the number of times I watched it as a child (exceeded only by the original Parent Trap, which is in my DNA now). So, naturally—in honor of this august occasion and because I've gone at least a decade without any Nefler the Muffler Man in my life—it was time for a re-watch!
Other than showcasing Shelley Long at peak Shelley Long, being something of a third-wave feminist manifesto (it's okay to care about nails AND have a family AND be a competent woods-woman AND have libidinous feelings toward your CPR instructor!), and teaching a generation of children who Pia Zadora is for no reason, Troop Beverly Hills's most important contributions to our cultural lexicon lie in the realm of fashion.
In short: SHELLEY LONG'S OUTFITS ARE A DEGREE OF BANANAS NOT MEASURABLE BY HUMAN INSTRUMENTATION.
So, in the interests of preservation and celebration, I ranked them. See below, and discuss.
We are all Mary Gross.
Moooooom, you're embarrassing us in front of Tori Spelling.
This is worse than the time Ronaldo said he'd give me a body wave.
This Face: The Shirt.
Long sleeves seem a little confining for the Freddie, imo.
Pull yourself together, Nefler. You look like Josh Mankiewicz.
Your legs look like big fingers.
If I learned one thing from '80s movies it's that your divorced parents are definitely getting back together.
Cheap at even twice the price.
NEEDS BIGGER EARRINGS.
A deathless classic.
NOT SHEER ENOUGH.
"They chopped down trees, wove their own cloth, and survived on berries and squirrel meat. And not once did they have to go to the bathroom."
"Must've been the squirrel meat."
Nice of her to do Ho a solid and help out.
"Silicone is buoyant."
I SERIOUSLY THINK ABOUT THIS SCENE ONCE PER DAY.
Who wears gloves in L.A.!?!?!?!?
I'm looking for a pair of pants that say, "What if my legs were shaped like two back-to-back basking sharks?"
LOOK AT YOU, YOU FUCKING MAGNIFICENT EMPRESS.
Cab Calloway called. He wants his middle part back.
A.k.a. "the Robin Leach Manty-Dropper."
NOT TINY ENOUGH!!!
THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN AUDACITY. THE WALKING-ON-THE-MOON OF CLOTHES. THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT SHELLEY LONG LOOKS LIKE NAKED.