Tell Us Your Tales of Sex, Interrupted

Illustration for article titled Tell Us Your Tales of Sex, Interrupted

Welcome to Pissing Contest, a weekly story sharing circle for the the ass-draggiest time of the afternoon on the ass-draggiest time of the last day between you and the weekend. Every week, we'll ask a question, you'll share stories, and we'll pick a winner that's featured in the next week's post. It's like a pyramid scheme of outdoing each other!

Last week, Pissing Contest took a hiatus because I was on vacation (a cruise with my boyfriend's family that was supposed to go to Disney World but didn't. Instead we just were on a boat for days and days. It was everything David Foster Wallace warned me it would be but I didn't listen) but we're back. This time, we're swapping stories of the time sex was interrupted by more pressing matters.

I'm not talking like, "I was tired, so we just stopped and fell asleep" comfortable sex stuff that happens about 18 months in. I'm talking "the building was on fire," or "I started going into labor" or "he took out his phone and started checking Facebook" (timely peg: according to a survey discussed in Time this week, 5% of people say they've used Facebook during sex, which is as good a reason as any to stop). Her girlfriend walked in. The elevator got unstuck. You called him the wrong name. You got arrested. Details!

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To get you started, here's the winner of the first pissing contest where we asked you to share sloppy St. Patrick's Day stories, courtesy of the lovely horsenpony:

Chicago: 2007: living with my roommate

Her shady ex some how managed to put together a "drunk trolley" thing. 4 hours. 25 people on the trolley. First stop? Binny's liquor store. Loaded up on beers and we're off. About 30 mins in, first major stop, Wrigleyville bars. Shots, Shots Shots. People start trying to get on the trolley. A fight breaks out and the driver pulls away. Hour in, first person wants to go home. Trolley drops him off in front of his apartment, all the females on the trolley ask to use his bathroom. At least 5 of us were crammed in this tiny bathroom. I opted to pee in the bath tub and then "run the water" thinking I was cleaning it up. Hour 2: Drunk guy on trolley lifts up the window and proceeds to try to pee out of it whilst riding down LSD. Then hour 3 and 4 are hazy. I wake up in my bed with a Dunkin Donuts Egg and Cheese bagel stuck to my pants. I proceed to eat it. My roommate vomited in a flower pot.

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You know what to do.

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DISCUSSION

midwestlez
midwestlez

This story has never been unveiled and I'm three whiskeys deep while dinner is still-a-cookin' so I figured "hey why not put it on the internet?!" I know, I know, my genius is unmatched. So, anywho—-

When I was twenty and in my early attempts of the sexy times, my partner and I decided to make her birthday really fantastic by doing some whippits, trying to dance to Lady Gaga's just-out album (I peed my pants. Not like a little, like an ocean of pee). But she still wanted to have sex with me! Cool right?! No. Not cool. Not cool at all.

Halfway through the drunken sexy times, after I had just made some *bomb ass* eggplant parm might I add, I (again, in my brilliance) said "babe sit on my face." She was very obedient. So she's riding ole Tonto into the great West and says, "baby I'm going to cum." I'm like cool, my jaw hurts, so does my face kinda, but we're almost to that great golden arch, the finish line. I get it together and push through like a champ.

And, then, something rolls down my tongue. Something kinda-hard, kinda-soft, kinda-really-fucking weird. "hmm...," I mused, "this tastes and feels a lot like..PANKO COVERED EGGPLANT HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK FUCK FUCK SHE JUST OMG SHE JUST FUCKING SHIT IN MY MOUTH OMG FUCK WHAT DO I DO NOW!?!?!?!?!!"

So, with tears rolling down my face (I said I got cum in my eyes) and my dignity sprinting out of the room like it was on fire. That is the singular worst interruption to sex I have ever experienced. I promptly got up, went to the bathroom and text my best friend to call with a 'crisis' so I could try to chase my dignity down before it ran straight into traffic.

*chugs whiskey*