Is there something in the (dick) air? Should we give dick a chance? Are we being reminded to be thankful for dick? Because everywhere I looked lately I feel I am getting pounded by penises. It was like the Internet equivalent of that notebook in Superbad with all the dicks drawn on it. It's like I cranked up the jack-in-the-box and out popped a load of dicks in my face. What gives?
First, lest you think I just have some Google alert for dicks set up, rest assured I browsed the Internet like I always do, and the peen sprang supreme against my own best wishes. I don't know if there's like a seasonal dick thing going on, or a random proliferation of penis. But the dicks are mustering the courage to get in all our faces, and so I shall just present the evidence and let you decide.
Dick #1 in Your Face
Hairpin did an Interview With a Big Dick. This is, in spite of its prurient appeal, a pretty great, nuanced read about being a dude with a big dick (it is not, I repeat, not, an interview with a dick itself, as I initially guessed). Still, good times:
Are there things that you like about being a guy? Do you ever just get psyched up about being a Big Dude with a Big Dick?
I mean, obviously I like my dick. I like having sex with it. And I do have a couple of close male friends, and it is kind of fun to just normatively bro out with them.
Rate That Peen: Because of this big dick's high level of self-awareness and sense of humor, to say nothing of his use of the phrase "normatively bro out," this gets a good, hard boner rating.
Dick #2 in Your Face
Salon wrote up earlier this month (but I only just saw it) this 10 Strangest Facts About Penises. In it, we come to understand, thanks to facts like "Every penis was a clitoris," at least one reason why a man's very identity is so often rooted in how not-like-a-woman he is. Namely, because he is all too aware of how much like a woman he once was. Other fun facts we sorta knew but can always stand to be reminded of: Fetuses get boners, big balls = more likely to cheat, and the biggest dick ever was measured at 13.5 inches. Day-um.
Rate That Peen: Fun and informative! Three-quarter chub.
Dick #3 in Your Face
HuffPo has a column called "Why is My Penis Funnier Than Your Vagina?" In it, Rob Stephenson, Associate Professor of Global Health at Emory, laments after mentioning Eve Ensler's invasively staged play, The Vagina Monologues, that "no penis has ever had a monologue." Um, you mean, aside from its top-billed guest speaker role in all of history forever on all matters deemed important since forever? Still, I must concede he has a firm point when he says "the penis's role in the media is largely comedic; they are, if you will, the genital jester."
To drive the point deeper, he cites phallic party favors at bachelorette parties and a few pop-cultch references to penis-as-gag (ugh, sorry), such as the ill-zipped zipper in There's Something About Mary. And apparently, there's some pole-on-frozen-pole action in a Harold and Kumar movie? He thinks maybe those pesky MPAA rulings against erect penises on screen are responsible for the penis's role as a big, hard joke.
He might be right. Perhaps deflating the peen is a way to mock social norms — male power/virility — for comic value, he argues. But he questions why there isn't an equally comedic role for vaginas. I'd say it's because there's still not an equally comedic role for women/female directors/etc. in general. Also, clearly someone has never been around a coupla teen girls in hysterics trying to out-queef each other. I think we just need more women putting the vagina in movies, because women know the vag is a real riot. Let us in, and we will let you in (our vaginas).
Rate That Peen: That thar is thinkin' man peen. And sensitive, intuitive peen thinkery makes good points about peen, vag, the world. Which makes me happy.
Dick #4 in Your Face
The New York Post has a piece called "This Man Made a Movie About His Small Penis."
The doc, now on Showtime and soon on DVD (Dec. 10) is called "Unsung Hero." Many lols on that title, dude, for realz. This dude, Patrick Moote, got the cold smackdown when his GF rejected his very public mistletoe-cam marriage proposal. Later, she told him that one of the reasons was his tiny peen. He parlayed the crushing rejection and humiliation into a documentary-style search for a little peen-esteem and to prove prick size doesn't matter. In the end, he realized his allegedly small penis wasn't so small after all. That rhymes. Wasn't so small, after all.
Rate That Peen: He never actually says how big or small his penis actually is in the interview, and that bugs me. I appreciate him doing the size-doesn't-matter service doc for dudes everywhere, though, but a little perspective couldn't hurt. Isn't all of our understanding of peen based on other peen? Half-chub.
Dick #5 in Your Face
Salon has a piece called "Embrace Your Small Penis, men: Everyone is lying anyway!" It is an excerpt from a new book: God's Doodle: The Life and Times of the Penis. The subheadline of this piece is "Why are men lying, and why do women expect more?" to which a friend responded after reading the link: They should have just written, "We will answer two questions any moron already know the answers to."
Here we get more support for the your-small-penis-is-ok faction out there by learning that a mere one in 100 are bigger than the 5-to-7 inch average. ONE IN 100! AND STILL:
Intellectually, a man knows that the size of his penis shouldn't be specifically relevant in a relationship, to him or to a woman. His common sense tells him that it will certainly not be the major or controlling factor in a woman's response to him. And yet . . . he can't help believing that it is.
The piece goes on to analyze the data, eliminate the outliers, and normalize the dick out of normal-sized dick. Good for it/him/those/them.
Rate That Peen: Wait, who said size shouldn't be specifically relevant? I think it is, much in the same way looks are relevant. To a point. You need to be attracted to someone. You need to feel the dick. At least a little! That isn't tyrannical or anything, it's just a fact of existence when it comes to wanting a dick in you or a person beside you. We shouldn't be relentless about it, but we should probably acknowledge just as women have to that some level of something is required. Of everyone. I'm super happy when men are all for body positivity, and I usually just hope that they note that this is pretty much what women are dealing with on the daily about every single aspect of their bodies down to their dry fucking elbows. Meanwhile, we are over here polishing brass on the Titanic trying to put a dent in the onslaught of shit messages we get. So good luck, sir! And good day!
Dick #6 in Your Face
Nerve has a piece called "Sexy Photos of Nude Men Reading Will Turn On More Than Your Mind." It is sexy pictures of nude men reading from a SUPER NSFW Tumblr called Eat a bowl of well-read dick. Nothin' else to really say here, huh?
Rate That Peen: Full-on chub. Brains and loins, books and dicks, mind and body. Why didn't someone think of this already? It's so simple. I guess I just hope they are really reading those books and it's not some here-put-on-these-fake-glasses-to-look-hot thing. See? Brain gets tripped up still. Simmer down, brain.
Image via Happy_Soul/Shutterstock.