101 Things Not Affected By Kim Kardashian's Divorce

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Did you hear? Kim Kardashian and Paul Bunyan are getting a divorce. Everyone's making lists of things that lasted longer than their marriage (like this sentence! LOL!) and how the whole thing smells a lot like a scam sandwich. Now, some are even claiming that the three Kardashians' magical Armenian vaginas actually have an effect on the performance of the American athletes, particularly those blessed enough to come into contact with the sisters, and that Kim's soon-to-be ex-husband will in short order suffer a decline in prowess.


While this may be true, please, America: don't panic. Kris Humphries's career might plummet, but there are still literally dozens of things that Kim Kardashian's divorce will not impact. Let's review a few.

Things That Will Not Be Affected By Kim Kardashian's Divorce

1. Air ticket prices

2. The Euro

3. Katy Perry's boobs*

4. The global AIDS epidemic

5. Your menstrual cycle, unless you live near Kim and you two sync up, but that would have nothing to do with her getting a divorce

6. The fact that during the winter your legs itch a lot

7. Libya's new government

8. Acne/chacne/bacne

9. Lentils, cost of

10. The cast of The View, much to Kris Jenner's chagrin

11. Medical marijuana

12. Adele's throat

13. The non expensive tiara-based economy

14. Rape cops

15. Your health insurance

16. The heretofore unknown results of the Justin Bieber paternity test

17. The result of Nicaragua's election

18. MF Global's implosion

19. Herman Cain's election strategy

20. Global warming

21. Truman Capote's B&W parties

22. The obesity crisis

23. Dress sizes

24. Chris Brown

25. Michele Bachmann's stance on homosexuality

26. Baby Sarkozy

27. The murder rate in Phuket

28. Terrible battery life on new Blackberry phones

29. Ben Bernanke's Santa beard

30. The speed at which Julian Assange is extradited

31. Popularity of eye patches among pirates

32. The fact that you own several books that you'll probably never read

33. Macaroni and/or cheese

34. Suck level of the Chicago Cubs

35. Jorts, jokes about people at the University of Florida wearing them

36. Lindsay Lohan's jail sentence

37. The date of troop withdrawal from Iraq

38. Your uncle's battle with flatulence

39. The Casey Anthony verdict

40. The ending of Twin Peaks

41. Syria's standing in the Arab League

42. The size of the boat/ the motion in the ocean

43. Orbits of planets, suns

44. The divorce of Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon

45. The height of Everest

46. Your waiter's insistence that he is actually a musician

47. Price of tea in China

48. Train schedules in Prague

49. Cats' desire to murder everything in the world

50. Steve Jobs

51. Ice cream and the deliciousness thereof

52. The impending zombie apocalypse

53. The Catechism

54. Simon Cowell's hedgehog hair

55. Your parents' lovemaking soundtrack

56. Placement of any continents

57. Cher

58. Global citrus harvests

59. The OJ verdict

60. Knitting, rules thereof

61. Jessica Simpson's baby — specifically, its sex, and the fact that it will have a terrible name

62. The NBA lockout

63. The drug trade

64. Vladimir Putin (although nothing, not even bears, affects him)

65. Flood damage in Thailand

66. The percentage of wealth controlled by the top 1% of earners

67. Conan O'Brien's hair

68. Your fertility

69. Amy Winehouse's autopsy results

70. Math aptitude among Louisiana 8th graders

71. Marshmallow ratio in Lucky Charms

72. Breast cancer survival rates

73. Winner of the next Super Bowl

74. Gravity

75. The Muppets

76. Riots in Greece

77. Bono's self-image

78. MySpace

79. Amount women are paid vs men for the same work

80. The date of the New Hampshire primary

81. Whether Punxsutawney Phil will see his shadow

82. The cast of Twilight: Breaking Dawn

83. Haliburton

84. The length of Rahm Emanuel's partly missing finger

85. Clarence Thomas's silent streak

86. The fact that "love" and "drug" do not rhyme

87. The speed of light

88. TV reception in the Rockies

89. Mississippi's Initiative 26

90. Pronunciation of the word "creek"

91. The periodic table

92. Chinese censorship of social media sites

93. Your age

94. The last three seasons of LOST

95. NewsCorp's legal woes
96 that smell

97. The way you wear your hat

98. The Heimlich maneuver

99. The BCS

100. Pork belly futures

101. The fact that correlation and causation are absolutely not the same

*Reports state that while Katy Perry's boobs are sad about the Krim Karumphriesian divorce, they will continue to shoot Reddi Whip as scheduled.




56. Placement of any continents

But she's going to goddamn keep trying.