10 Reasons Abortion Is The Root Of Every Problem In America

Illustration for article titled 10 Reasons Abortion Is The Root Of Every Problem In America

Edgar G.H. Emery (those initials are very important!), a Republican State Representative from Missouri, was recently selected to chair his state's House Special Committee on Immigration Reform, which was supposed to issue recommendations to the federal government on... immigration reform. Emery's own, very special way to solve the issue of illegal immigration? End abortion!To whit:

"We hear a lot of arguments today that the reason that we can't get serious about our borders is that we are desperate for all these workers," [Emery] said. "You don't have to think too long. If you kill 44 million of your potential workers, it's not too surprising we would be desperate for workers."


(The 44 million, by the way, is close to the right-wing National Right to Life group's estimation of how many abortions have occurred in the United States since Roe v. Wade made it legal.) But, really, kudos to Representative Emery. It is a time-tested political tradition to tie an issue on which there is no consensus to a bigger issue that more people are concerned about in order to gain traction. And so, in this spirit, we'd like to make some suggestions for other problems Emery can solve by restricting reproductive choice. 1. The Iraq War With 44 million extra Americans to use as cannon fodder, there's no way that some insurgent force or nascent civil war would ever overcome our superior occupational forces, and we would leave with no less than the victory John McCain is mad we gave up on in Vietnam! 2. The War On Terror They don't hate us for all our freedoms, just the reproductive ones. Get rid of them, and we're golden! 3. The Housing Crisis With 44 million more Americans, the real estate boom could have gone on forever and the party never would have ended! See how selfish you are, baby-killers? 4. The Financial Meltdown In addition to abortion being the root cause of the housing crisis which then caused, in part, the financial meltdown, with 44 million more Americans' pensions and 401(k)s invested in the stock market, there's just no way the Dow could be down below 8,000 today. So when you bemoan the loss in your investment portfolio, you're really just misplacing your existential sadness over your abortion or the ones you allowed to happen through your heathen support of reproductive rights. 5. The Decline Of The American Automotive Industry This is a no-brainer — more kids means people would need bigger cars, which would obviously be American-made. So, when the car companies go bankrupt and unemployment goes up to 10 percent, that is as much the fault of the pro-choice movement as the slaughter of millions of innocent souls at the hands of baby killing doctors. 6. Hurricane Katrina and New Orleans God's wrath, et al, Pat Robertson really said it best. God's just really pissed at us, which is why the lack of time, attention and money paid to rebuilding an American city destroyed by a natural disaster is justified, no matter what anyone says. New Orleans is practically a monument to the unborn and should stay that way. 7. The Energy Crisis With an extra 44 million Americans on hand, we could totally afford to recycle and reuse more. Plus, we'd be depleting our limited energy supplies more quickly so there would likely be more of a consensus for expanding public transportation and finding alternative sources of fuel on which we could run our enormous SUVs to ferry around all our kids. But if that's too much touchy feel-y hippie crap for Emery, there's always the cannon fodder argument from crisis #1. The Saudis really do have a shitload of oil and no nukes. 8. Pay Equity If women had to stay home to take care of all the kids they should've been having, they wouldn't be so worried whether or not they are getting paid enough. Problem solved. 9. The Trade Deficit It's an issue that we import and buy more cheap crap than we export, but increasing the population by 44 million would mean that, with higher unemployment, there would be a downwards motion on wages, decreasing the marginal costs of production, thereby making American exports more affordable abroad. Concurrently, the decline, in real terms, of wages would limit Americans' ability to buy crap, reducing the level of imports. 10. The Health Care Crisis As John McCain posited during his Presidential campaign, by giving people tax credits and forcing them into the individual insurance market, the increase in participants in that market would lower costs naturally. If this country hadn't perpetrated such a Holocaust on the unborn over the last 35 years, we'd already have 44 million more people in our health care system, so there wouldn't be any more problems with pricing. Plus women would have cheaper health care coverage because abortion wouldn't be an option! Mo. Panel's Report Links Immigration To Abortion [Washington Post] Related: Religious Conservatives Claim Katrina Was God's Omen, Punishment For The United States [Media Matters] A Little Faith Can Heal A Heart That’s Been Betrayed [Attackerman] Earlier: A Uterus Costs 50% More In McCain's Health Insurance Market

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Chris Braak

You don't have to think too long. If you kill 44 million of your potential workers, it's not too surprising we would be desperate for workers.

This is the best thing I've ever heard.


Don't you wish every problem could be solved by devoting LESS thought to it?