10 Plagues Visited Upon The House Of Rachel Zoe

Illustration for article titled 10 Plagues Visited Upon The House Of Rachel Zoe

In a delightfully bitchy review of The Rachel Zoe project, New York Times critic Ginia Bellafante calls the diminutive, over-tanned stylist a "pox on humanity" "It is amazing that The Rachel Zoe Project, which focuses on her career, manages to send its audience deeper into the territory of smug NPR obsessives who won't stop ranting about triviality's conquest of the American soul," Belafante rages. "First I hated the show for passing Ms. Zoe off as an innovator when all she does is recycle a look that has held appeal since Tom Ford's days at Gucci. Then I hated it for turning me into Max von Sydow in Hannah and Her Sisters, a cranky old person hungering for anachronisms." Speaking of anachronisms, Zoe's status as reining pox on humanity made us think of another series of poxes: The 10 Plagues of Egypt."In Exodus, Pharaoh refused to let the Hebrew people leave Egypt," About.com explains. "The 10 plagues were a divine demonstration of power and displeasure designed to persuade Pharaoh to "let my people go.'" Find out the ten plagues visited upon those who enter the house of Zoe below. Let my Lilo go! 1. Water to Blood : Ok, so Zoe never caused the Hudson to run red, but! There were rampant rumors circulating that Zoe was feeding her shrinking clientele clenbuterol, originally an equine asthma treatment — a charge Rachel has vehemently denied. "Clen" won't turn water into blood, but it could make your heart explode! And then there'd be lots of blood, well, everywhere. 2. Frogs: The signature Rachel Zoe style includes enormous, froggy-eyed sunglasses, which she refers to as "sunnies." 3. Gnats: Rachel Zoe's Jersey inflected Valley-Girl whine reaches gnat-like levels of annoying! You wish you could swat away her oft-repeated "Zoe-isms." "Kills it," "I die," "bananas," "loves it," and "shut it down," are the gnats of the grammatical kingdom. 4. Flies: Ok, I have nothing for this one. But ew! Flies! 5. Livestock Diseased: Rachel Zoe's penchant for enormous leather handbags has probably felled many, many cows and at least one or two crocodiles. From the Times review: At Decades, a well-known vintage store in Los Angeles, she picks up another Hermès Birkin bag. One of her assistants tries to dissuade her: 'You collect art. You don't collect Birkin.'" 6. Boils: Another hallmark of the Zoe style: enormous cocktail rings and ridiculous looking layers of overwhelming necklaces. These are massively expensive boils on the clavicles of many a Zoe-bot! 7. Thunder and Hail: If you cross Zoe, she will rain down on you — though the storm will be more like a mist of "dissatisfaction" than a full out hailing down, says the New York Times. " Ms. Zoe replaces the fashion personality's eccentricity with perpetual dissatisfaction. She gets upset at an underling when rain water threatens to seep into her storage closet. She wants new pieces of furniture for her stark, modern Los Angeles house, even though she decorated it just two years ago," the Times notes. 8. Locusts: In Exodus, God says, "If thou refuse to let my people go, behold, to morrow will I bring the locusts into thy coast." Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Cameron Diaz: could be considered locusts on either coast. 9. Darkness: Again with those giant sunglasses. Many of Zoe's clients wear their sunglasses at night, and are thus doomed to perpetual darkness. The horrors! 10. Death of the Firstborn: Rachel Zoe eats babies. Always the first born. Duh. A Stylist Devoted to Making Idleness Look Chic [NY Times] The Size Zero Pill [Daily Mail] Being Rachel Zoe [NYT Mag] Earlier: The Rachel Zoe Project: Zoe-isms Rachel Zoe's Clavicle "Almost A Brand"



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