Pizza Hut has finally released a line of apparel called Hut Swag (a branding decision that no one should ever question) and—lucky you!—all of your dreams are about to come true!

Imagine it. You’re sitting in the park on a warm spring afternoon, copy of The Secret propped open in your lap.

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“Hey baby,” a voice says, interrupting your thoughts about fate and desire. “You like...Hut Swag?”

You experience a sharp intake of breath and—though the rays of the sun are penetrating through your clothes and your skin is covered in a thick sheen of sweat—you’re suddenly tickled by goosebumps. You blink hard, taking a moment to collect yourself before opening your eyes to behold...

...the most beautiful man in the most beautiful Hut Swag glasses you’ve ever seen.

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You try to swallow the lump in your throat, but it goes nowhere.

He pushes up the sunglasses on the bridge of his nose: “You wanna get...cheezayyyy?”

You can’t believe he’s being so forward. It makes you nervous, but also very, very horny.

“I...wha...huh? I can’t just...here? I mean...”

You can’t find the words—the glasses, the cheese, the Hut Swag. It’s all making your head spin.

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“Don’t sweat it, Mama,” he says. “Another time.”

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With a confident wink, he turns to go, giving you a peek of his cool Hut Swag hat as he begins to walk away.

“WAIT,” you shout.

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The man turns around and lowers his pizza shades.

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“I wanna get cheesy”—your voice drops to a husky whisper—“now.”

“JEAH!” The man, it turns out, is Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte. “JEAH JEAH JEAH!”

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He reaches out his hand and you take it. His palms are sweaty with Hut Grease, but you don’t mind—HELL, YOU LITTLE HUT SLUT, YOU LOVE IT—as he leads you out of the park and back to the duplex that he shares with his parents.

His mom seems indifferent to your presence, barely raising her head in greeting as he leads you through the living groom and up the stairs to his bedroom.

“Are you ready,” Ryan Lochte asks, “to enter my Hut Hut?”

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You gasp as he pushes open the door to reveal the most beautiful Hut Hut that you’ve ever seen.

There’s more:

“Wow,” you shriek with delight. “Your Pizza Hut-branded bedding makes me so, SO horny and I definitely consent to having sex with you on it.”

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“Jeah,” he says, more quiet now, and guides you to his Hut Bed where he proceeds to thrust into you with wild abandon. (Hut Swag makes you so horny that you don’t need foreplay.)

When it’s all over, the pair of you melted into a tangle of Hut Grease-soaked limbs, he turns to face you.

“Hey.”

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“Hey.”

“I love you,” he says.

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“I love you, too.”

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“Enough to wear my Hut Swag scarf?”

“Yes,” you whisper. “I will wear your Hut Swag scarf forever. Forever and ever.”

The Secret really works.


Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.

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Images via Hut Swag.