Your Nasty Asswipes Are Clogging America's Sewer Systems

Asswipes are all the rage right now. All the big toilet paper companies — from Charmin to Cotonelle to Scott — are manufacturing moist wipes, in an effort to clean up shit-smeared American heinies and keep skidmarks at a minimum. The problem? Sewer systems are getting completely jacked up.

The wipes claim to be “flushable,” but as the AP reports, the National Association of Clean Water Agencies has been hearing complaints about wipes from sewer systems across the country the last couple of years — and this phenomenon “roughly coincides with the ramped-up marketing of the ‘flushable cleansing cloths’ as a cleaner, fresher option than dry toilet paper alone.”

And:

The problem got so bad in this western New York community this summer that sewer officials set up traps — basket strainers in sections of pipe leading to an oft-clogged pump — to figure out which households the wipes were coming from. They mailed letters and then pleaded in person for residents to stop flushing them.

“We could walk right up, knock on the door and say, ‘Listen, this problem is coming right from your house,'” said Tom Walsh, senior project coordinator at South & Center Chautauqua Lake Sewer Districts, which was dispatching crews at least once a week to clear a grinder pump that would seize up trying to shred the fibrous wipes.

Apparently asswipes are a $6 billion-a-year industry, with sales up over 50% since 2007. Of course, the folks who make the asswipes insist their products are not the problem. Oh, and here’s a terrifying sentence about a job I never ever imagined existed:

“My team regularly goes sewer diving” to analyze what’s causing problems, said Trina McCormick, a senior manager at Kimberly-Clark Corp., maker of Cottonelle. “We’ve seen the majority, 90 percent in fact, are items that are not supposed to be flushed, like paper towels, feminine products or baby wipes.”

REGULARLY GOES SEWER DIVING.

Now, while the French, who generally know how to class up a joint, have bidets, I am of the opinion that one does not really need asswipes. If you’re suffering from smeary stools or what they call incomplete evacuation, maybe you just need more roughage and less cheese? Humans have been pooping for centuries. How is it that, all of a sudden, we’re plagued by filthy buttholes? That shit cray.