Your Life Is Broken: Let Cosmo Fix It

March Cosmopolitan thinks you’re unhappy. Maybe it’s because you’re fat, maybe your boyfriend doesn’t love you, maybe your friends are boring. No matter — for every problem, Cosmo has vague, simplistic, or totally weird advice.

Say your flabby ass is getting you down. Turn to swimsuit model Marisa Miller’s detachable workout cards (Cosmo is Self now)! Her moves are apparently best performed while standing Photoshopped in front of an ocean — and with skin airbrushed to the texture of latex. But what if your friends suck or (God, no!) you’re single? That’s easy — you should change your life, but not too much. Maybe you could grocery shop on weekends in order to meet men. Or just “stop to take a breath midday” (ah yes, breathing). “The changes you make,” say Cosmo editors, “could improve other areas of your life . . . including ones you didn’t even realize needed an upgrade.” It’s true! I slept with my feet on the pillow last night, and today the world economic crisis is totally gone. Who knew that was even bothering me?