Your Guide To Absurdist 'Sexy' Halloween Costumes

Ah, Halloween. The holiday once celebrated by kids pretending to be ghosts and ghouls has morphed into a yearly tradition of women donning skimpy synthetic-fiber garments and animal ears. There’s nothing wrong with wearing a sexy costume on Slutoween, as we like to call it, but when you force some innocent creature or inanimate thing to be a fuckable object of the male gaze, it’s just weird. What follows are twenty-one ridiculous examples of costumes contorted into awkward suits of seduction.

In tales of old, the unicorn was a horse with a phallic symbol on its head that could only be tamed by a virgin. Fast-forward five or six hundred years and ladies get to wear said phallic symbol on their heads. And it is sexay! Sexy unicorn!

Ever get home late and order up some General Tso’s chicken? And when you answer the door, instead of a delivery guy, there’s a Sexy Chinese Takeout container? With a fortune cookie on her head? Yeah, me neither. Note: This costume is in the “geisha” section of the online store.

You know what’s really hot? Mental illness. The description for the Anita Sedative costume reads, “No amount of medication can keep her from going crazy over you.”

In the vein of the sexy mental patient, there’s also Sexy Silence Of The Lambs. Cue the “nice chianti” jokes.

There’s no doubt that someone clever enough to get a double word score is sexy. But why the need to infuse the actual board that Scrabble is played on with a curvy shape and a thigh-revealing hemline? (A non-sexy version exists, if you feel really strongly about Scrabble.)

If you’re really really smart, you can get your “Ph Darling.” The copy reads: “Earn your PhD in sexy! Graduate with honors and perhaps a husband in this sexy cap and gown.” In addition to demeaning women who are interested in a postgraduate degree, this thing looks highly flammable.

Fermented malt barley and wheat in and of itself is not sexy, but when you turn it into a “Sexy Beer Mug” strapless dress… Nope. Still not sexy.

Halloween is chock full of cultural appropriation, what with the “Naughty Natives”, “China Dolls” and “geishas” and so on, but Sexy South Of The Border Employee is a new one.

No, really: Sexy Remote. With controls for “hotness” and “mute.” This is where I’m supposed interject a joke about a guy wanting to do it doggy style “so we can both watch TV,” but I’m so dismayed about the woman-as-literal-object-for-men-to-control vibe of this costume I can’t even snark.

A mummy is a dead body whose skin an organs have been preserved. Trim away some of the bandages on the upper thigh, and you get a Sexy Mummy. Necrophiliacs, rejoice!

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Sexy Shower isn’t sexy enough. Showers are hot. Where’s the steam? Where’s the nudity? Come on, people. A couple of strategically-placed knobs? Step it up.

Since the beginning of the Academy Awards, in 1927, only one woman has ever won an Oscar for Best Director. The year was 2009; the director was Kathryn Bigelow. Betcha $100,000 that she did not wear a Sexy Movie Director miniskirt and beret while making The Hurt Locker.

What kids really loved about Finding Nemo was all the dirty underwater sex “Naughty Nemo” had. Disney is a smut merchant.

There’s a whole category of supposedly sexy costumes based on things you put in your mouth. The nipple pimentos on this Dirty Martini costume are a nice touch.

Women are instruments for men to play, which is why the Sexy Guitar exists.

The Cat In The Hat is a wacky character, but don’t you have a hunch this is not what Dr. Seuss had in mind?

Ms. Pacman is one of the best video games ever invented, but the ghost skirt on this Arcade Cutie costume looks embarrassed, and it’s clear why.

Oddly enough, they got this one right. This is exactly what cab drivers look like in New York.

Listen, don’t start yapping about how there is no such thing as a Pink Leopard, okay? This leopard is pink for a reason, okay? It’s for breast cancer, okay?

But seriously. Why are they trying to force sexy on a skunk? Let skunks be. They already have a PR nightmare to deal with.