Your Giant Engagement Ring Looks Tacky and Makes Me Want to Rob You

Congratulations! You’ve found the person of your dreams and think that you want to get married. Either that or you’re like, “Screw rules, screw society, I’m gonna buy myself a ring and a dress and marry myself because it’s 2013 and I can do what I want!” Sure you can; you’re an independent woman/crazy person and no one can take that away from you. But, please, let me give you one suggestion before you plunge headlong into the frightening world of wedding planning: What if — just this time around — you skipped the big-ass engagement ring?

A recent survey by David’s Bridal found that 57% of brides would change something about their engagement rings if given the opportunity. Okay, that’s understandable. An engagement ring is a piece of jewelry that is traditionally picked out for you by another person, and then you’re expected to wear for the rest of your life. It makes sense that there would be a slight clash of tastes over cut and style. But cut and style were not the most common complaint. It was that their ring’s stone wasn’t nearly hulking enough.

Yo, ladies — not to be rude, but this is tacky as fuck.

A big-ass diamond ring is the Hummer of the jewelry world. Sure, you might know one or two good people who own one and aren’t flashy about it, but for the most part it’s just a way to show off how much money you have. And even if it’s not a blood diamond, most people will assume that it’s a blood diamond. A gigantic stone does not say that your fiancé loves you more (the Count of Monte Cristo proposed using a piece of string and it was the most romantic thing ever, so…), but it does suggest that he’s a pro athlete who was recently caught in a public cheating scandal.

If you were given a big ol’ diamond and you love it, more power to you. What’s really wrong here is that there are women who wish their ring — which, if you want to get sappy about it, is a symbol of love and commitment — had a bigger stone. Like that’s what matters. It’s the rings that are massive just to be massive that are tacky.

I’m not being fair. There are some people who can pull them off. Those people are RuPaul, Elizabeth Taylor and me, but only when I have that dream where I am best friends with Dynasty-era Joan Collins. If you’re not on that list, then why not let your engagement ring be an expression of love (the string! remember the string!) rather than an ostentatious honing device for pickpockets and bloggers who steal just to feel alive?

Maybe you’ll come away from this thinking, “Fuck you, dude. I know my fiancé loves me, we have the money, I don’t wear blood diamonds, I’m not RuPaul and I still want a big-ass diamond ring because I like being tacky.” If that’s the case, then congratulations. You’ve passed the secret marriage test. Weigh that hand down and be happy, girlfriend.