You'll Never Love Anything Like This Woman Loves Feasting on Ketchup

The Daily Mail brings us a tale of a woman and her catsup that is alternately cautionary, motivational, and deeply sinister. Between taking incredibly sensual photos, Samantha Archer of London states proudly that she goes through two bottles a week, and approximately 104 bottles of ketchup a year.

Here, supposedly, is a sample of her diet:

Breakfast: Scrambled eggs with tomato ketchup or crumpets with melted cheese and tomato ketchup.

Lunch: Pasta salad with ketchup or baked sweet potato with ketchup or ketchup sandwiches.

Dinner: Chinese takeaway smothered in ketchup or stew and rice or chicken curry – all flavoured and topped with ketchup.

Snacks: A slice of ham filled with ketchup and folded into parcels or ketchup from a spoon.

Nothing like a nice slice o’ ham folded into ketchup parcels! Archer became “hooked” at age five with her very first taste (tale as old as time, am I right) and now her ketchup-terrorized family “keep[s] a bottle to hand just in case I run out, and if they come round to visit they can expect to be fed ketchup.”

Oh yeah, that’s a woman living her something life. Wake up, ketchup. Post up, ketchup. Ride around in it, ketchup. MY ROCK, KETCHUP.

Samantha Archer will continue her reign of terror during the holidays, where she will prepare “Brussels sprouts and pigs in blankets dripping in ketchup,” a combination she describes as “heaven.” If her loved ones aren’t into it, then too suppin bad. “My family just know the deal and they always have a bottle of ketchup for me, they don’t want any trouble,” Archer says.

We don’t want any trouble, Samantha, just take the facking ketchup! shout her aunties, as everyone in the ketchup-spattered kitchen sobs into their red-stained hands.