Yorkshire Poet to Throw Britain's First Teeny Tiny Penis Party

Men who have small penises are prone to anxiety about their body image and their performance. That’s why a Yorkshire poet by the name of Ant Smith is throwing a party to celebrate tiny peens of all shapes and sizes. He’s charging people admission based on their length—the shorter the dick, the smaller the entry fee.

Smith spoke to Vice about the party, which came about after he published a poem about his own small penis last year. And although Smith says that his wife of 17 years has never done anything to make him anxious about the size of his member, having a small penis is the cause of a lot of existential angst regardless.

Now that Smith’s poem has received a lot of attention (some from the media, a great deal from owners of small genitals) he’s decided that the best way to fix the world’s fucked up dick prescriptivism is through a party celebrating the size-challenged. He told Vice that he’s got a friend whose penis is of average size and who’s still got penis anxiety. And if someone with an average member’s got angst, what hope is there for anyone else, wonders Smith.

The party will be held on March 7th 7 at the Rhythm Factory in Whitechapel. Everyone is welcome and admission will be charged per inch. Those people that don’t have penises will be charged on what they imagine their penis size would be, but the longer the penis, the higher the price. Vice reports that a nine-inch purple-headed warrior will cost a whopping $7 at the door. Nudity will be allowed, although Smith doesn’t expect everyone to disrobe.

Here’s what he told Vice about the type of person he expects to attend:

“I think there will be a number of men with specific anxiety concerns,” he says. “I don’t think the room will be filled with them, though. I suspect there will be slightly more women than men.” (Much of the feedback Ant has received since performing the poem and announcing the party has been from women saying that penis size is not that big of an issue.)

“There will inevitably be people who just come along to see what I do with this, which is great, because I want a cross-section of people. It’s not saying big penises are bad; it’s about saying that humanity exists on a spectrum and the thing to do is to work out the thing that makes you unique,” says Ant. “If something makes you unique, it’s a brilliant thing. There are seven billion of us. We need to manage to remain individuals by embracing who we are—big piece or little piece.”

Smith hopes that the party, which is already drawing attention on the internet, will unite men and women and help end size shaming—or at least make people more aware that it exists.

“We can make positive body image a thing that truly unites the genders. Maybe we can make a difference in how society thinks. That’s where I want to get to.”