Our nation’s collective boners for Johnny Depp—once a heartthrob, now no more—have been deflated for several years. And yet Depp’s continued devotion to reminding us of our lack of tumescence rolls on with each interview he gives about his new favorite activities: making bad movies, and marrying a young hottie who he’s surprised is so smart.

As Depp told E!’s Marc Malkin in “a rare moment of openness” (okay Marc, close your mouth; the saliva is getting everywhere), not only is his new wife Amber Heard beautiful, but she knows about cool stuff only a middle-aged white man could appreciate.

“We connect on a lot of levels but the first things that really got me was she’s an aficionado of the blues. I would play a song, some old obscure blues song and she knew what it was.”

Ohhhhh. An aficionado of the blues! At 29 years of age, she has an awareness of music other than Justin Bieber! You don’t say! Please, go on.

“She’s very very literate. She’s a voracious reader as I’ve always been so we connected on that as well. And she’s kind of brilliant.”

Very very literate. Just like you! Brilliant!

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“I’m a lucky man,” Depp concludes in his constantly shifting accent.

Depp did this interview at the premiere of Heard’s new movie The Danish Girl—a movie she is barely in—which explains why he had a sudden sort of willingness to discuss her; it would hardly be appropriate to discuss himself. And though it should be noted that these words of devotion to Heard’s old soul had to be coaxed out of this visibly uncomfortable man, it seems, at this point, like avoiding the red carpet altogether would be best plan for him.


Contact the author at dries@jezebel.com.

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Image via Getty.