Yeahhh… No

The kitten heel is an item that we regrettably omitted from our post about 2007 fashion trends that have returned with a vengeance, but it was a simple mistake, or perhaps denial on our parts. Today, however, the T Magazine reminded us that our Spring will echo with the sound of these tiny, impractical stilts slapping and clopping the pavement, because what would be more appropriate in a time of great political regression than wearing a style of shoe preferred by women of the 1950s and ’60s? It’s perfect.

Now regard the shoe above, seen today at the Kate Spade Fall 2018 presentation at New York Fashion Week, and combining three shoe characteristics that are deadly for any non-towncar-having cityfolk: the kitten heel (gets caught in the sidewalk cracks); the mule (slaps on your feet, not easy to look cool in); rhinestones and suede (the general problem of dirt), not to mention that it is the foot equivalent of Claudia Schiffer’s Guess ad updo from 1989.

Of course, Kate Spade makes two types of clothing. One is practical, feminine workwear for the professional who isn’t too buttoned-up. The other is novelty shit that you wear to your mom’s at Christmas. This shoe is probably going in the latter category, considering rhinestones are likely too flashy for most offices, and everything about this says “festive,” so I understand that my above evaluation of its impracticality may not effectively apply in this particular circumstance. I can only tell you that I have a visceral revulsion to the kitten heel as a secretly hard-to-wear shoe and that the shoe in question seems like a logistical nightmare. At the very least, though, if you wear it, may I suggest you go full-throttle into the look and pair it with some sheer black stockings, supe-style?