<![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell? - Jezebel Comments]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell? - Jezebel Comments]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> I've only had two 3-month dry spells. The first time was when I moved 2500 miles away from the boy after living close to him for the first three and a half years of our relationship, the second time was when I broke up with the boy and didn't want to do it at all, with anyone, period. Then one day I realized, "Ah. I'm ready again." I started fucking this guy I met at my University's library (ha!), and got bored with him after about a month.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my coworkers, after telling him that I was no longer screwing my friend, suggested that we be friends with benefits. So far it's been two weeks for me (since I've had sex. It's only been a week since he called me.) I'm beginning to think my coworker likes WOW better than sex, because he hasn't called me or anything. If that's the case, than I definately won't fuck him, because IMO, sex ALWAYS wins out over WOW.

Jadoremonchat

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: Also, wow. I'm totally the nice, homely girl. Trust me, it isn't that great knowing that he used to be into some girl who is wayyyyyyy hotter than me. *scowlies*

jammiriffic

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: No, not awful! It's true. My boy started out as my friend - like, my best best friend. He was sweet, and funny, and smart, and he cared about me, and we could hang out and talk forever. This made me fall madly in love with him. However, I have loads of guy friends that are sweet, and funny, and smart, and that care about me, but I'm not attracted to them. And thus they stay friends. Poor kids.

Also, to AL: Thanks so much for all of your wise advice. I can't really talk to ... anyone about this. I even feel weird discussing sex with my therapist.

And on the depression front: I was depressed for a lot of the last year, but meds were not for me. They killed my sex drive, and more importantly, they killed my orgasm. Also, even fairly long-term and severe depression MIGHT not be chemical. Mine definitely stemmed from a terrible first summer back from college (first extended absence from boyfriend, stifling family, mind-numbing summer job) and a subsequent painful break-up. Now I just address issues head-on. If I'm worried about my summer, I actively look for a better summer job (I'll be in San Francisco this summer and am thrilled). If my friends are ignoring me, I talk to them about what's going wrong. It's worked really well - because my depression was not chemical. Seriously, there is no one right way. We just need to be careful about how we address our specific problems

jammiriffic

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> I like sex but not THAT much. I barely ever come. If I met a guy who was actually good at it, then I think I'd care about having more sex.

Hellothere!

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> But then he ignores me for weeks at a time. Occasionally he'll send me these incredibly personal and thoughtful emails and texts at the weirdest times. For example, the SECOND my college basketball team got knocked out of the NCAA tournament, he sent me a "sorry your team got knocked out of the tournament" text message. I hadn't heard from him for weeks before that. So I know he thinks about me. It's so fucked up.

@wolf biter: Not to offer advice about a situation I know nothing about... but actually, yeah, to do that, this sounds like the sort of thing that's less about you and more about him and what he needs. He has something deep or personal to get off his chest? He sends you an out-of-the-blue email. (Okay, I don't know what the emails are about, so maybe I'm totally off.)

But I'd say to him what you wrote here - "I'm not your ex, I really like you, and I think you feel the same." If he's still gonna be a wuss or self-absorbed or whatever else is getting in the way, that sucks. He might wake up and realize he doesn't want to let you go. Or he might not be able to.

Sorry to force my totally ignorant advice on you. Feel free to ignore it.

SurplusJ

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @buzzgirl: That's a great story! Leave it to a Frenchman to break the spell.

athenaswisdom

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Megan Carpentier: I know I can do that, it's just hard to look at it as "interviewing" people when it's going to cost me a hundred-something bucks an "interview," and that my parents will have to cover it. I know therapy is good, I still believe in it. I just had such a horrible experience with someone who, from talking to other people and professionals, broke all kinds of standards and ethics that I think she ended up doing more harm than good in the end. In the first six months of seeing her I went from having problems at work (the reason I started seeing someone) to full out, suicidal depression, which is still with me three years on, but managed and mostly manageable.

But I only have my wonderful shrink for another month (damn residents, being moved around) so I have to find someone before I lose her to call and say, "Is this normal for a therapist? Do they do that? What can I ask for?" That would be a really good Jezebel post, BTW, How to gauge a new therapist. Because it's a lot like finding the right guy, but you have to pay for the dates, and there's not a therapy-com movie genre to learn from (or learn what to avoid). OK, off to my insurance website to find a list of talk docs. I'd rather try on bathing suits in a public changing room.

mockingbird

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> A bit late to respond to this stuff now, but on the Wellbutrin stuff--its NOT an SSRI, so it isn't nearly as bad on the sex drive as like, Prozac or Celexa or whatever. I actually found that it increased my sex drive, but then I'd been depressed forever, and then I was on Celexa for a few months which made me absolutely incapable of being interested in sex at all, so that feeling may not be entirely objective. Celexa equalled numb, in more ways than one, and Wellbutrin is awesome. I like, do other things besides sleep in my spare time! And no headaches! And I eat food! But that's just me.

stormia

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> 1,5 years, twice in my life.

I simply did not want to have sex, it repulsed me.

If I've just fallen in love, I'm at it like a rabbit.

And from experience, long-term relationships totally kills your sexdrive. I'm in one now and I simply can't be bothered with sex anymore. I can only imagine being married.. there'd be no sex..ever.

CrazyRatLady

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @SurplusJ: @Megan Carpentier: I never have an organic reason to be in New York, other than to go to museums or see the Phillies when they play at Shea. Last month, I screwed up all my courage and asked him if he wanted to go to MoMA with me and he did. We spent the day together, and we had such a good time, and at the end of the day we made out in the train station.

But then he ignores me for weeks at a time. Occasionally he'll send me these incredibly personal and thoughtful emails and texts at the weirdest times. For example, the SECOND my college basketball team got knocked out of the NCAA tournament, he sent me a "sorry your team got knocked out of the tournament" text message. I hadn't heard from him for weeks before that. So I know he thinks about me. It's so fucked up.

He and his ex dated long distance for three years, and six weeks after they moved in together (he moved to Brooklyn to be with her) she cheated on him, dumped him, and moved out. That's his reason for why he doesn't want to do long distance. Part of me is sympathetic, but another part of me is like, "I'm not your ex-girlfriend! I'm different! Don't you want to get to know me? I know you like me! I know I'm not the smartest girl, or the prettiest, and definitely not the skinniest, but I'm fun and you like me."

I have to get over him, I know, but...I can't. I've never, ever been this wound up over a boy.

wolf biter

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @snarkhunting: OK. Cool. But I don't believe I ever said there is no medical reason for severe depression; just that the medical reason we are being given to justify the widespread use of SSRIs is not proven and therefore debatable. Although I can't be arsed to look back through my posts to double-check. So, if I did inadvertantly say it, I hereby retract it and apologise.

Louficer

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> I'm currently in an annoying year long dry spell :S. Upon telling this to a close guy friend of mine I got the, "What the fuck is wrong with you? You're not ugly!" talk. As if being attractive instantly got you sex, yeesh. And I tried to explain to him that me being ugly or not ugly had nothing to do with it. I'm at the point in my life where I don't just wanna bang some guy. I wanna bang him and then like him enough to cuddle after.

therealjuliet

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer: See, all of this is reasonable. But when you say "I don't believe in chemical imbalances," and then proclaim the wonders of meditation (which I fully acknowledge), you alienate the very people who agree with you re: over-prescription.

It's not a zero-sum game. There ARE chemical imbalances that cause massive fuck-ups in the brain that lead to chronic mental illness, and drugs are MASSIVELY overprescribed. I held out against drugs for ages, and eventually switched a psychiatrist who encouraged me to try alternate treatments (as opposed to the drug-peddler I had before).

I tend to get very pissed when people start going on about how there's no real medical reason for my problems, because I know that's not true, and it makes me feel even crazier than I already am.

So I'm sorry I got all jumpy, especially when your last comment is so much more reasonable. :/

snarkhunting

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> I tend to go a year between partners. I like it that way.

You'll get through it. :) I learned the violin and French.

thenewmasses

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @mockingbird: I'm on effexor xr too, and I honestly believe that if it has any sexual side effects, they are the kind that make you crave sex every moment of every day.

I'm moving to the same city as the guy who screwed me over for a boring chick next week. I informed him that if he tries to tell anyone we "dated," I'll inform those people that I was just slumming and playing around, and do you think that if he really had a chance with me, he'd be with that chick?

dictator4life1

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @wooter: I know exac@wooter: I know exactly what you mean. After I broke up with my boyfriend, there was never a dry spell, bc I would just call him to hook up. That was probably damaging to our relationship, as he would want to start dating again. Then I moved away, also to a city where I know no one, and I miss having that ex or close friend to hook up with when necessary.

pisces2

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> 7 months. My boyfriend wanted to wait. -twitch-

No more of that. Every guy since has had to be at least as willing as I am to get it on.

Khuluna

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @wideeyedgradstudent: I'm a new mom, and only a half year into it, so I don't have much experience. However, I didn't see many responses to your question, so I'll try.

Sex during pregnancy is awesome. Sex after birth is intimidating, but eventually feels great again.

I have a few suggestions.

-Prepare for an unpredictable year. Strangely, everyone seems to have a different experience of pregnancy and birth. It's so helpful to maintain a sense of humor because you are going to see some weird physical and emotional changes in yourself.

-If possible, before you get pregnant, have a gyn exam. Occasionally, benign polyps can bleed during pregnancy and your doctor may ask you to abstain from sex until after birth. I was devastated when this happened to me.

-In the first 1-2 months after birth, you'll probably not feel your normal high, high libido self. Don't be shaken! It is temporary! Hormonal craziness will ebb. Sleep deprivation is the other major mood-killer, so for your own sanity, do anything that takes the the edge off it.

-Let your baby nap in a room with noise and bustle. At night, let them sleep in a place from which they can hear you talking or making dinner. For my daughter, this helped her learn to sleep through all kinds of noise and fun ruckus.

-When you first have sex again, it can be painful. Again, initially your hormones are all out of whack, making things kind of... dry. Buy a ton of lube! Also, even after you heal up, stitches can be tender. Be patient. I was terrified that sex would never be the same, but these problems really do go away.

-Try to give yourself some time each evening to relax. Have a beer, stretch out, strike up some sexy banter with your partner. One thing that really shocked me about being a mom is that just having my baby with me (in my arms or breastfeeding, etc.) strongly affects my feelings of identity and sexiness, for good and bad. Sometimes just walking around with her on my hip makes me feel mind-blowingly beautiful. Other times, I'll feel drained from being touched and needed all day. If this happens, you're not being selfish. You just need to restore your separate sense of identity.

Being Mommy doesn't have to kill sex.

cavegirl

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: Thanks. I feel like I'm being honest here and just trying to voice an OPINION without attacking people, but the name-calling was getting me down. And I know EXACTLY what you mean when you talk about fair-weather friends. Unfortunately, it's regarded as not cool to say it, but it is TRUE.

Louficer

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @amygdala1: No I know! It seeeeems really gross and weird, but after the first couple of months, you totally forget it's there. Also, it's one of the most effective forms of reversible birth control available, one of the most common in Europe, and since the crappy 1970s Daikon Shield incident, they are overly safe. I did a lot of research on this before I made the leap, and I'm so, so happy I did. And frankly, fake hormones are much fucking scarier and make me feel crazy.

Now. If I could only get laid...

munchkinchop

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @snarkhunting: No, no, I am not saying depression does not exist at all. And the 'think happy, be happy' thing does not apply to people with serious, long-term depression, OBVIOUSLY.

I'm just saying that a) meds are over-prescribed; b) it has been acknowledged by the scientists who developed these anti-depressants, the drug companies who market them and the psychiatrists who prescribe them that there is no blood test that can measure the 'chemical imbalance' they are talking about, and therefore whether these drugs have the effect they claim; consequently, c) forgive me for being sceptical when the scientists who developed them, the drug companies that market them and the psychiatrists who prescribe them, are the ones making billions of dollars out of anti-depressants.

I have no doubt they work for people. There is a compelling argument for the placebo effect here: 'Prozac, used by 40m people, does not work say scientists' [www.guardian.co.uk]
Whether that explains it or not (and I think there IS more to it than that), at this point, how they work and what the long-term effects are, we don't know. In severe cases, it may be that long-term side-effects are less important than immediate relief; but for less severe cases, how can you judge whether to take the pills if we don't know exactly what they do to your brain? Being on pills for the rest of your life in order to feel ok is too much like Aldous Huxley's Brave New World for me.

And yes, @lolacat(ΩΜ): we can most certainly agree to disagree. That is all I am doing, anyway.

Louficer

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @snarkhunting: In defense of Loucifer. I sort of understand where she's coming from. Since it's difficult to test for chemical imbalances, it's difficult to determine who really has them. I'm a cynic. I wouldn't put it past some people to fake the funk. Conversely to what people are saying, there is a certain cache to mental illness these days. Some people want an excuse, some people want to appear deep, or troubled. Not to say that that's not a problem in and of itself.

I feel sometimes, that it just cannot be, that everyone I meet can be bipolar. Statistically, it has to be impossible.

Also, it's frustrating on the other end. I've had a *lot* of friends with issues, and I've sort of found myself backing away from them. Not because I thought it was terrible of them to have these disorders, but because our whole friendship became one-sided, about me counseling them, playing therapist and motivational speaker. It was sooooo important to me to be a good friend, so important for me to be there for people. But I never got that back in return. Which, I'm sorry, sucked ass. It was like I was never allowed to have a bad day because I had to be there for them. I was never allowed to have problems because mine weren't as important as theirs were. And certain ones, the ones who had a different disorder every day of the week, in alphabetical order no less- well, I started to feel like they were maybe faking. Or being told things by their therapists that weren't true. And it bothered me that these therapists never seemed to look at other factors in the persons life before diagnosing them with some kind of disorder. Like my friend who was upset over a break-up, whose shrink diagnosed him with depression.

I admit that I bring a lot of that frustration to the table when I talk about this stuff.

Also, I believe there is a serious difference between depression and being sad. The one person I've known in my life, who I truly knew was depressed- she didn't feel sad- she didn't feel anything. Her face was blank, and try as she could, she couldn't register any emotion on it. I would watch her trying, and it would break my heart.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> I don't feel horny. Ever. And I don't like sex very much. It's messy and feels weird.

And this started *before* my anxiety got so bad I started on citalopram.

Problem is, anxiety + low sex drive + 100% happy long term relationship = MAJOR FUCKING GUILT + more anxiety. Hello, vicious circle :(

(I love the citalopram though, it makes me feel normal. Like, it doesn't take me five heart-racing tearful minutes to decide which of my almost identical pairs of black socks to wear.)

metalouise

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> 2 yrs- but that's because there is no one I would have sex with. I just broke up from a long term relationship recently and I haven't had sex in 6 months- but have you seen men lately it looks like they've stopped trying to look good. go on the subway and pick how many guys you would do in your subway car- 0 ..none. honestly -I blame advertisers- it's homer simpson, king of queens bullshit- so many hot ladies who should just love some lazy, moron with no redeemable qualities whatsoever- time to upgrade but to what????

Honeybhind

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> I've had two dry spells of 3 years and a few others of shorter duration. I have this problem where I think I am not sexy enough for women to just want to bone. I'm plenty horny; I masturbate every day or a few times a day. I've had 2 hookups that led to intercourse in my life. Women have initiated almost all encounters and relationships. I'm reasonably clean, well-mannered, and handsome, so it is definitely all mental problems with me. I'm jealous of all the people with healthy sex lives.

raoul j raoul

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @wolf biter: Oy, that sucks. (Interestingly, I'm sort of dating someone who lives in Brooklyn, which for me is an hour-plus away. Would that be a long distance relationship? We're an hour away, that is, by subway. This city is so weird.)

Are you ever in the city? Do you have a car? Is he ever in your neck of the woods?

I have no helpful advice, just questions, obvs. And sympathy. And telepathic imaginary bourbon I'm sending your way.

SurplusJ

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer: Sorry, but that article is just spin so they can put up the headline you quoted. This isn't a critique of any scientific findings, this is- "their PR people didn't return my call."

It is neither here nor there, anymore. Believe what you like. I don't care. However, I will continue to believe what I like. K?

lolacat(ΩΜ)

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer: So, basically you're saying that other mental illnesses exist, but not depression. Of course, you're talking about short-term depressive episodes. Have you ever met someone with long-term, chronic depression? It's really, really not as simple as "think happy and you'll be happy." Just because it worked for you...it's really, really insulting to those of us for whom that is literally impossible for you to say that. It implies that those of us who do suffer from mental illness are somehow lazy or just enjoying our misery. To that, I say fuck you.

Chemical imbalances may be hard to test for, but given the wealth of evidence that suggests improvement through using medications that correct for such imbalances, I think it's a fairly safe bet to say that they do exist.

In your infinite wisdom, what do you think causes anxiety disorders? Do you think people with OCD just need to "think happy"? And do you believe in quarks? After all, we can't see them.

snarkhunting

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @lolacat(ΩΜ): I think it's a critique of science if the psychiatrists, the drug company and the researchers in question cannot provide documentation to support their theory.

Louficer

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @wolf biter, @SurplusJ: That guy and the thing I just ended should get drinks. And we should get drinks, too, just in a different bar.

Megan Carpentier

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @SurplusJ: You really want to know? Here's the Cliffs Notes version.

[jezebel.com]

wolf biter

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer:

Your article is also a critique of media - not science.

"Lacasse and Leo spent about a year in late 2006 and 2007 monitoring the daily news for articles that included statements about chemical imbalances and contacting the authors to request evidence that supported their statements. Several reporters, psychiatrists and a drug company responded to the researchers' requests, but Lacasse and Leo said they did not provide documentation that supported the chemical imbalance theory. Their findings were published in the journal Society.

lolacat(ΩΜ)

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer:
One out of context quote from People Magazine is a shit source.

lolacat(ΩΜ)

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @wolf biter: Definitely not enough time to read and follow 470 comments on a blog post.

I mean, um...

SurplusJ

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @daftpunkisplayingatMYhouse: OK. You did ask. I see depression as a natural (and justified!) human reaction to the world. There is widespread misery and suffering and you will die one day. This all sucks. The question is how you process this information and how you decide to think about the world. The Buddhists have it right, I think. Meditation is actually proven to make people happier. They studied the brainwaves, or something. It sounds banal on the surface, but think happy and you will be happy.

Schizophrenia is a whole other level of mental disorder and not one that I have made any comment about. I know the bio-psychiatry movement in the 1950s was kick-started by drug-tests on schizophrenics. But the basis of these theories is still very much under debate. Questioning it is not the same as believing the earth is flat!

American psychiatric Association President Steven Sharfstein admitted there is no way to test for a "chemical imbalance" as the cause for mental disorders. PEOPLE magazine (July 11 [sorry, don't have the year]), quoted Dr. Sharfstein conceding, "We do not have a clean-cut lab test."

If you google 'chemical imbalance theory' there is a plethora of articles which debate this. Here is a good one entitled 'Unsubstantiated Chemical Imbalance Theory Of Depression Perpetuated By Media': [www.medicalnewstoday.com]

I'm not saying it isn't true; I'm saying the scientific 'evidence' to support it is debatable.

Louficer

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @SurplusJ: How much time do you have?

wolf biter

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> It's been so long since I've seen a penis, I think I'm starting to forget what they look like. Try being single in Cincinnati. It's a real joy. Is it weird to not want to bone because you're heartbroken? Everyone I know that gets dumped goes out and fucks the next dick they see. Me? I pretty much just want to cut them all off.

Samanthrax

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer: You brought that down on yourself Loucifer- read the thread if you don't believe me. While many may strenuously disagree with your position (I certainly do) we were respecting your beliefs. You made it clear you didn't respect ours.

Then you had to kick all of us who believe differently in the shins one last time. Do you think you are going to change my mind- I've been in therapy for years and I'm taking 40 mg of Big Pharma love? They already got their hands on me.

BTW- it is in poor taste to go through an entire reasonable discussion and then- at the end- when you haven't successfully "won"- to start it all over again. Your opponents aren't dead horses. Please have more respect for others.

lolacat(ΩΜ)

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @daftpunkisplayingatMYhouse: Yes! Thyroid condition! People should totally get this checked out. My friend didn't know she had it and went through a ton of crap ("am I depressed? Am I losing my mind? Do I have a sleep disorder") before finding out she had one. Crazy.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @megustastu: That totally happened to me as well. Though I'm sure that part of it had something to do with the BC, but that doesn't explain why I was a ravenous beast looking to make up for lost time like 5 seconds after I got over the original devastating heartache. Now when I look at pictures of him, I realize he was fat and not that cute (and a total self-important asshole to boot), no wonder I didn't want him to touch me.

bernadeez

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @RyanB: That totally happens to me. The first month or so is TORTURE, then things get to the "meh" point. I'm in the midst of a 5 month dry spell, which follows quickly on the heels of an 11 month one. The dry spell was broken up by the only non-friend/non-boyfriend that I've slept with, and he was really really boring (though also really, really hot, like way out of my league hot), so I guess I'd rather be not having sex than regretting it. It's not the funnest, but you get through. Worst part for me is trying to figure out how the f I'm going to f once again...

bernadeez

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @wolf biter: Wtf is wrong with him?

SurplusJ

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> 3 months due to a 'break' and eventual break-up while my boyfriend at the time was in Greece. Now I have a hard time going for longer than a week. Did I write this article? Love it...

RightOnPartner

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer: I'm not saying don't argue with things that haven't been proven. Want to argue about how much drugs work with therapy? How much nature vs. nurture can cause mental illness? Like I said, overprescribing of medications? But to argue about something like whether the earth is flat, and about something which affects so many people, is not a worthwhile discussion. How do you think depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc. come to be? I am legitimately asking. I see you "questioning," but not offering any hard evidence to the contrary.

magiciannamedgob

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @daftpunkisplayingatMYhouse: Why can't I argue with "science"? Is it always right? No. I constantly question all the information we're fed that makes up the dominant ideology of our culture. I think it's essential.

Drat! Did not mean to get dragged in again. . .

Louficer

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> Reading this was like reading an excerpt from my journal. Until Wednesday, it had been 7 long weeks. The longest I've gone since I started having sex.

I, too, have been through the phases of monogamous relationships and casual dating and not even casual dating. I agree that I'm finally at a place where I feel comfortable sleeping with who I want at my own pace- whatever that may be. At the same time.. I would like to actually like the person I sleep with next. I'd also like it to not be an ex-boyfriend. Oh. And I would like it to be GOOD.

Because my vibrator? It takes triple A's. And those things wear out fast.

starkiss23

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> Damn! How'd I miss this thread yesterday?!

My longest dry spell was two and a half years until I broke it this January. I thought it'd just be a one-nighter...unfortunately I ended up having a fuckton of chemstry with the guy. And now I like him, and he likes me, but he won't date me, and I'm gonna go cry now.

wolf biter

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> 10 days? 10 DAYS? Really?

2 years and 8 months today. And I'm not likin' it.

sarathelaundress

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> I have the same problem(?). I don't think of it as a problem but more than three men in my life have asked me if I have a sexual problem. What amazes me is that early in the relationship, eg before sex. These same men when on and on how hard it was to get sex from their pervious girlfriends. While I am listening to this crap. I'm thinking you will not have that problem with me. Then after a while, they are complaining that I want it too much. I don't think three times a week is too much,very normal, I would prefer more but I am a understanding person and know that they have to get it back together at times. But if they can't at least they could do is get me off. You know what I mean.

blissfullisweet

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> "First, I guess I have to wonder whether this is a function of not knowing when, where or from whom the next sexing is coming."

SO TRUE.

Also, I'm 26 and my sex drive is preeeety high. But I keep getting told "wait till you hit 30". But really, if it gets any worse, I am going to be a danger to myself and others. Halp.

Jayne

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @ronaldpagan: Hilarious! (As always!) Definitely catch it online of if someone you know has it recorded!

marin79

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> currently i'm at about three months, which is the longest i've ever gone, including when i was abroad last year and had a boyfriend in the states. (bad girlfriend). when i finally was hooking up with this guy a couple weeks ago, we were totally naked and doing other things and he refused to have sex with me. i thought he was joking and the whole situation made me feel like the dude in the situation and kind of tried to guiiide him to the sexing, but then i realized a few days later that i nearly committed man-rape. not forcible, but still. it made me realize how girls who don't usually want to do it feel.

allypanda

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer: Well, because instead of questioning a "commonly held belief," you questioned, um, real science. Also, there is already a stigma about mental illness and how it's "all in your head," which, well, maybe it is sometimes but body chemicals most definitely can get out of whack. I have a thyroid disorder which lowers certain of my brain hormones giving me depression like symptoms. If you want to argue about overprescribing, fine. But don't argue with science.

magiciannamedgob

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Archetype: This past fall/winter I got real, real depressed and my sex drive went from every-day-please-yes-thank-you to once-a-week at most with a sort of resignation and exhaustion that meant I sort of stopped orgasming and never wanted to have sex, but did because I knew I should want to have sex (the boyf was never pressure-y, it wasn't him it was all me). It fucking sucked, once I realized it was happening. Also I was sleeping like 12 hours a day and then coming home for naps in the middle of the day from work, plus naps after work, and then going to sleep at like 9pm.
Anyway then I went on Wellbutrin and now I have a sex drive again, because I'm not so exhausted that any physical activity makes me shudder, and also I can have orgasms persistently and sex is not only fun but also something I want to do. Wellbutrin basically made me like 1000 times better, and also it randomly stopped the twice-weekly migraines I'd been getting since I started getting sleepy-all-the-time/depressed as fuck. So, that's my 2 cents.


Cimorene

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @SurplusJ: *in. Duh. And I don't even have the "It's 2am and I'm drinking" excuse. Should be a fun day.

SurplusJ

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Archetype:
wellbutrin So I know it's sort of weird to reply to a comment via email (I think? I don't follow Jezebel comments very thoroughly) but I wanted to tell you that this past fall/winter I got real, real depressed and my sex drive went from every-day-please-yes-thank-you to once-a-week at most with a sort of resignation and exhaustion that meant I sort of stopped orgasming and never wanted to have sex, but did because I knew I should want to have sex (the boyf was never pressure-y, it wasn't him it was all me). It fucking sucked, once I realized it was happening. Also I was sleeping like 12 hours a day and then coming home for naps in the middle of the day from work, plus naps after work, and then going to sleep at like 9pm. Anyway then I went on Wellbutrin and now I have a sex drive again, because I'm not so exhausted that any physical activity makes me shudder, and also I can have orgasms persistently and sex is not only fun but also something I want to do. Wellbutrin basically made me like 1000 times better, and also it randomly stopped the twice-weekly migraines I'd been getting since I started getting sleepy-all-the-time/depressed as fuck. So, that's my 2 cents. --Alie (Cimorene) -- ---------------------------------------------------------------- I'll be post-feminist in a post-patriarchy.

SundariGadgtastic

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: I know! I once got a crap phone call and was like, damn, wish I could send that it.

SurplusJ

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> Wow. Just wow.

I question one commonly held belief, and all of a sudden I'm a crazy like Tom Cruise. I fucking HATE Scientology and all that shit.

I am sorry if I have offended. I am backing away.

Louficer

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @mockingbird: I don't have any close friends in LA anymore that I could ask, but aren't they thick like flies there? I'd bet the LA Jezzies have a Facebook group, though, if no one else weighs in here and you could ask there or among your friends. Or just set up a couple of appointments with some people. Think of it like you're interviewing them, like real estate agents or something.

Megan Carpentier

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: @dictator4life1: Hey, I want to join in storytime! In college, I dated a guy, "Slugboy." He never mentioned having a GF back home, even after we started messing around. Once mentioned, he downplayed her as much as possible. She was totally a good girl, I was the bad one. After I let him be my first, Slugboy dropped me off at my dorm the next morning and disappeared. Called me from his parents that night, with GF in the background, saying he thought we should just be friends. Anytime I tried to move on and see someone else, Slugboy begged to keep me, things would be different, etc. Even eventually made me think he'd dumped the GF. I'll just condense the few years I let that mess go on into 1)emotional and verbal abuse are really effective at wearing you down until you don't think you deserve better, 2)other than me and his GF, I think there was even another girl he "lost" his virginity to, 3) he was so crap in bed he thought something was wrong when I had an actual orgasm, after having been with him for well over a year. Sadly for CEFAD fans, I do not have the email response from him from when I alluded to his lack of ability in front of a roomful of his friends. I did hear though that his next victim had the same problem.

I had a fun few years after getting him behind me, and found out that there was nothing wrong, or bad, or shameful about me, nothing to make me unworthy of dating. Hell, a friend of one guy I was seeing actually complimented him after meeting me by saying, "You get to sleep with her?" Then I moved home to save money, moved out to LA, put all my energy into getting a career, had a bit of a nervous breakdown, and, boom, my dry spell could make a nun look slutty. I still want sex, still think about it, am familiar with the overheated vibrator. And this is on a high dose of Effexor XR. On good days, I figure it will end eventually. On bad days, I am a fat cow who will die alone, probably living near my parents.

@Megan Carpentier: Know anyone who could recommend a good therapist in LA? My last one fired me after 3 years, said I wasn't making 'progress.' And yet, made it clear I really, really, really needed help. She was bad in many, many ways, and it's taken a year for me to be willing to try again.

mockingbird

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @munchkinchop: Yuck, I wouldn't want some tiny copper thing lingering in my uterus all the time.. It's like a dental appliance, except up there..

amygdala1

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @marin79: By the way I love your avatar. I missed "30 Rock" tonight. How was it?

ronaldpagan

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: I'll second that! Both the favorite thread & the too much wine part!

marin79

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> This is possibly one of my favorite threads ever. I promise it doesn't just look pretty because I've had 8 glasses of wine.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: Oh, okay, you found it already. Anyone else who's interested, it is here...

[jezebel.com]

We've probably all been dumped for the delicate flower who does not do "confident girl" things like express her opinions. And I bet most of those chicks resent the fact that their boyfriend is so douchily, patronizingly protective of them.

ronaldpagan

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dictator4life1: Ugh! God! Douche Nozzles! Of course he misses you! That chick is probably annoying as all hell, and not so much fun to boot. So he's stuck with two people who suck.

Lesson for life: Just because a person is paralyzed from the waist down, you still don't get to stab them in the leg and not be an asshole.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @munchkinchop: Okay, okay, I'll think about it. Are they expensive?

@Notes from the underwhelmed: I'm still trying to find that analagous email to your situation. (My internet connection shut off.) Sit tight...

ronaldpagan

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: Goddamn, that sounds like my situation, except for this guy lied and told me he broke up with the lame girlfriend who was a good girl and not "confident" like me (little did he know that, almost a year later, I'm still in the worst depression I've ever had, and can't get out of bed most days). So when he decided he had to make a choice, he chose her. Now I get emails from him every so often saying things like, "At times like this I miss you so much." Forget it, fucktard, you picked her over me, and you don't get a second chance.

dictator4life1

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @ronaldpagan: There's always the Vaginal Contraceptive Film that I mentioned before to dvs!

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @ronaldpagan: Get an IUD. It goes in your uterus, and getting it in sucks, but, you don't ever know it's there and the copper ones last for TWELVE FUCKING YEARS. It is the best birth control I have ever encountered, and I have tried them all. Do it!

munchkinchop

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Megan Carpentier: Goodnight and thanks for the advice! IUDs sound really disturbing to me, I do not want a DEVICE in my vag if it's at all avoidable. However, a lot more disturbing is that condoms are apparently 75% effective, which means that by all rights I should be 100% pregnant right now and killing my baby with sweet, sweet nicotine. I will definitely talk to a doctor and learn more about my specific situation.

ronaldpagan

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> Oh, sweet Jesus. This is not what I need to hear right now. I broke up with/am moving out on my boyf of 3.5 years, just moved to NYC, met and dated an asshole for two months and then broke that off. My dry spell starts.... now. This is going to be terrible.

munchkinchop

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @ronaldpagan: Oh, I've seen it! I was actually sort of hoping for a crap email from this dude just so I could send it in to Jezebel for review.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Megan Carpentier: really, let me know . i'm not all that kooky ;)

dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: What the fuck?!?!?!? That totally reminds me of one of my favorite breathtakingly hypocritical "crap emails from a dude" ever. The one where the guy dates the girl in college and has a secret girlfriend back home? I'll find it for you in a second. But yeah, you definitely dodged a bullet there.

ronaldpagan

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: That poor, poor girl. Let us have a moment of science for her getting stuck with him, and a moment of congrats for you for not having fucked someone who brags about not being able to hold his load. Laaaaaaaaaaame.

Ok, I'm going to bed, ladies, I have to get up to dance for the crowds in the a.m.. I'll try and check back tomorrow, err, later today.

Megan Carpentier

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @ronaldpagan: Well, quitting smoking is best. But if you can't, DO NOT fuck with correlation between hormone-based birth control and smoking. Many doctors won't even prescribe if they know. It's totally random whether it will do anything to you so it's totally not worth it. I got an IUD for other reasons, but I love it and totally recommend it. But, either way, talk seriously to your doctor about the birth control/smoking thing before deciding.

Megan Carpentier

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> Story time!

I was recently seeing this guy, who knew me because of my blog before we met in real life. He was all "oh wow! I love your writing! It's great that you're funny!" or whatever. But... totally not that cute. But he seemed funny and nice, so I thought I'd give it a go. Then, one day, he asks me if I told anyone we were dating, because the other girl he was dating found out that he was also seeing me, and got really upset and cried or some shit. And that I'd have to be more careful about saying things, because other girl was really sensitive and a "nice girl"- not strong like me. He also told me that he accidentally thought of me while he was fucking her, and that it caused him to come too quickly. Boy did I swoon! What a compliment!Just so you know- despite the fact that I was clearly supposed to be the whore in this situation, I had not slept with him yet. I stopped accepting his phone calls and texts of "I miss you!" etc. This continued for about two weeks after I noticed that he had posted on his blog, the fact that he and the "nice girl" became official! And then I texted him his balls on a silver platter. But yeah, that's how things go for me. Hooray for bullets dodged, though!

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @marin79: fer serious... he'll be sure hooked to this site after reading my rants ;)

dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: Congratulations and good luck!! Let us know how it goes!

@Notes from the underwhelmed: You have one of the best usernames ever.

ronaldpagan

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: My sister's in Palo Alto. I'm a huge wino. I'll totally let you know. :)

Megan Carpentier

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: @vegemitekid: @Megan Carpentier:

Thanks ladies! But...fuck...conflicting advice...! Does it help if I mention that I am wayyy under 35? I know there's the increased risk thing, but I also know that every delicious cigarette I light increases my risk for nasty things such as lung cancer, a totally unattractive hole in my throat, and wheezing like Gilbert Grape's mother every time I walk up a hill. And yet they are so tasty!

ronaldpagan

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: Sorry about that - regardless though, I'm glad it seems like tonight's conversations have been very cathartic for you! Wonderful thing about Jezebel, huh! :)

marin79

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @vegemitekid:
needs to download... mind you, he's not home yet. it will not happen tonight. so i will hold all of these thoughts!
but i will be beholden to them at he's seen them :)



dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @marin79:
that was me to him... and he actually puts up w/ me and all of my "imaginary" friends (along w/ all of the real ones) very well... along w/ all of my bs.


dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: Good for you. I now have that "let's get it on" song by Marvin Gaye in my head. I'm such a lame ass :)

vegemitekid

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @ megan
next not best... AAARRRGGGHHH the vino!!


dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Megan Carpentier: I don't. And I totally consider it a bullet nicely dodged. I just get sort of down when I feel like it happens all the time.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: Btw, just wanted to add that I know two couples while thy were dating (after several years together) who went through long dry spells (not months, more like a year+) & they worked through it and ended up getting married - and both couples are very happy now! And congrats on the super sweet email from your guy!

marin79

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Megan Carpentier:
its been cathartic... i'll pm you my husband's sure to be very happy reply...
let us know the best time you're in the napa valley... it'll all be free
:*




dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: I only meant that it would be great if people dealt with their problems - the topic we were discussing was therapy, which is why I mentioned therapy. It wasn't a judgment on other forms of dealing with issues.

marin79

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: Awww. Hugs. Since I can't get laid this weekend (best friend coming for a visit!), I hope you can.

Megan Carpentier

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @ronaldpagan: Do NOT continue smoking and getting on the Pill. Yes, it can be that bad. Look into a copper IUD. No hormones, equally effective.
@Notes from the underwhelmed: But do you want a guy who would rather be with a Stepford? Fuck that noise. Guys that bail for shit like that are a bullet dodged. Imagine if he did in in 10 years? Shudder.

Megan Carpentier

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @ronaldpagan: No, you won't drop dead on the spot, but.... Smoking whilst taking the pill dramatically increases your risk of nasty things such as strokes and cardiovascular disease.

vegemitekid

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @ronaldpagan: I do it. Not dead yet. The warning is usually "if you're over 35 and smoke." not to take it.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @LaFemme: Meant to add "far outways the people who should just "suck it up" and talk to friends"

LaFemme

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> ok, so i just sent my wonderful man (you guys are making me more amourous already!) a link to this thread:

"If you can stand to wade through this entire blog.. I talk about trying to figure out what we need to do about our sex life (anonymously). I think you'll figure out who I am…
I love you. Lets end the non sex soon.
Xo
Me

[jezebel.com] "

perhaps this is the kick in the preverbial pants we need... if not, we'll go to therapy i promise. :)




dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @marin79: "My personal theory is that the world would be a much better place if everyone was in therapy."

That part. Sorry if I misunderstood.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dictator4life1: What's up soul sister! I am usually dumped for super bland, super midwestern looking short blonde chicks (well, I do live in Chicago now)- you know, girlfriend material. As opposed to me, the 5'8", brunette with giant boobs and a loud mouth. But a year ago I was dumped for what my roommate described as a "gorilla suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome." That was pretty sweet.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: Well I, like you, feel the same way about myself. However, I think that the number of people who feel there is a social stigma and who are dealing with issues that friends and family may not be equipped to handle. So while many of us can probably handle our issues with a few good convos with mom and some martinis with friends, I think that this attitude can really dissuade people who need legit psychological help from seeking it. And I will never endorse that.

LaFemme

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> Hey, as long as people are giving advice, can I get some? It is not about dry spells. It is about how I was on the Pill, then I went off it and started smoking, and now I want to get back on it. I know smoking + Pill = bad for your heart and stuff, but smoking is obviously a killer anyway and I know what I got myself into. Would I get, like, an instant heart attack and drop dead on the spot if I went back on the Pill? Is it really THAT bad? If so I will stick to condoms and boys will have to deal with it; no contraceptive foam or female condoms for me, thanks.

ronaldpagan

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> My longest dry spell lasted 4 months. I can generally handle the first couple of months but after that I start to get very restless and dissatisfied, and totally preoccupied with attractive men.

I watch a lot of porn, read a lot of dirty blogs, and write a lot of stuff that I don't save. Nothing really works as far as coping goes though. I cope by going on the prowl.

lisas

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: Where did I say therapy was the best & only way to deal with depression or other life troubles? I was simply advocating therapy as a valid option when evaluating how to get help. I'm not sure why you took my statements to mean that writing or talking to good friends, family, etc. wasn't a great thing also. That was certainly not my intent, not what I was speaking to in my comment above.

marin79

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> spoke = spoken

tired

Archetype

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: Hey there dvs, I am hopping on a bit late here, but I would like to echo the sentiment that a joint therapist sounds like a great idea. It sounds like you're making a lot of excuses (this isn't judgment...it's totally normal and I do it all the time myself). I am curious if you've ever spoke with your husband about therapy? You did say that you'd thought of it.

I fall into the camp that believes there's no "right" amount to have sex. It varies for each couple, but it's important that you're synced up somewhat. But, it sounds like you want to have sex again.

The longer you put something off, or excuse something away, the harder it is to face and conquer.

If you feel like you don't want to see a therapist, talk to you doctor for advice, or research sexual retreats and shit like that.

Good luck.

Archetype

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @marin79: Totally don't agree. People have different ways of dealing with their own issues. Personally, I'm lucky to have an awesome mom (who, granted, was a therapist), and awesome friends that I'd rather talk to. I write, and I put Bikini Kill on and scream, and I drink egg cream sodas. If I feel all "free-floating anxiety-ish" I write down all the things I think are bothering me and looking at them helps me see that these are things I can deal with. Just because therapy is something you find helpful, doesn't mean that's the best way for other people to deal.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @goodcheapfun: WOW - Thanks for bringing the facts to the debate. Damn!

marin79

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @marin79: As someone who has grown up with parent, aunts, uncles, all in the mental health fields...seriously. EVERYONE can benefit from talking to someone who is outside of your environment. And if it is a good professional, they will pull out your feelings and emotions like your friends do not do. It is without judgment and without personal interest. Really, everyone can benefit. And if you are in a personal moment of crisis? Even more so.

LaFemme

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: Happened to me too, recently. The guy's law school colleagues describe the girl as having the vacant empty eyes of Laura Bush. I feel like, I lowered my standards for him, and this is how he repays me?

dictator4life1

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: I think that if you're able to say, "Okay, fuck it, I need to do something," and do something, then you don't 'need' therapy. This comments thread might be what it takes to kick you into action. (I've had similarly oddly-situated breakthroughs, bless the internet.) But if all of this here just goes back inside you, and you aren't ready to just do *something*, then it's probably time to talk to someone.

SurplusJ

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> I went through one 4-year dry spell, consisting of my first 4 years as an undergrad, where I didn't even date or go out, b/c my high school boyfriend who made me blow him before he would drive me home fucked me up so badly. Then another 2 year dry spell that has no explanation other than that I wanted to get fucked, but not randomly, and I couldn't manage to find anyone good enough to have a relationship with, who wanted to have a relationship with me. My current dry spell is 2 hours, but that's not so great b/c I'm in love with the guy, he's not in love with me, and he felt like shit afterwards because he wasn't going to give in but he did anyway. Y'all are making me feel better, though, b/c I thought I was the only person who had gone through a multi-year dry spell. I'm not alone! There are other people out there who aren't getting laid right now! Yay!

dictator4life1

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Megan Carpentier:
are you kidding me? have you seen how the cheap the flights to vegas from sf are these days??
thank for the mlk statue ref ... i'mm have to chuckle w/ my dad over that once again... he's a prof.
and, megan...
thank you for listening. while i don't think we're headed towards therapy yet, i really appreciate this thread. and i will do my darndest (sp?) to try to get back on the boy this weekend as i AM NOT ALONE.





dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: Let me know if it does. Don't let yourself get all caught up in "Oh my god! We haven't done it in a while! It better be good!" or any negative talk. This does not have to be a dire issue- go about your business like you've been getting some all along and don't pressure yourself. Just get excited and have fun! Just let yourself be happy and horny and hot! (Oh, and get a really fancy shmancy wine and some hot ass underwear.)

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer: I have some reasons that mental illness is not just a psychological disorder but an actual neurological disorder (i.e. like seizures, stroke, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, which I assume you believe are actually 'real'?).

1) The dopamine hypothesis in schizophrenia states that there is over activity in dopamine synapses. This is suggested to produce the positive symptoms of schizophrenia (i.e. auditory hallucinations). When Parkinson's patients were given L-DOPA (a drug that increases dopamine in the brain as Parkinson's disease that kills off dopamine producing cells in the substantia nigra) they experienced psychotic episodes, i.e. hallucination (like schizophrenia).

2) In schizophrenic patients brain imaging has shown a larger ventricular space in the brain (i.e. more space less brain). This does not seem to be progressive (i.e. as it is in Alzeimer's). There are hypotheses suggesting that subtle brain damage causes this increase space and leads to the negative symptoms of schizophrenia (i.e. anhedonia/lack of pleasure, lack of affect/emotion, etc.). Negative symptoms are shared between many neurodegenerative disorders.

3. Genetic tests indicate that there is a genetic component to mental illness (based largely on twin studies and the incidents of close family members having mental illness compared to the general population). Additionally, genes have been identified that makes one more likely to become depressed.

4. Lithium, i.e. salt that no drug company owns the rights to, has done wonders for individuals with bipolar disorder. How do you know? Because people get better.

I am sorry that you have been so skewed in your ideas that you do not believe that mental illness exists. Mental illness is as real as any neurological disorder and people can be helped with medication. To ignore that is hugely unethical and damaging to sufferers of mental illness.

goodcheapfun

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Macloserboy: Hilarious! Was totally just going there too!

marin79

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: @Megan Carpentier: My personal theory is that the world would be a much better place if everyone was in therapy. You don't have to be monumentally fucked up for it to be helpfu. Lots of time I just sit there talking about work & what I can do to be more effective in my position. Other times I spend talking about my family. I completely agree with Megan. In therapy, you don't have to delve into deeply personal problems at the beginning - you build to that over time. If you find the right therapist & give it time, I think it can benefit anyone... all the way from people with serious problems to those who are just going through a rough patch. There isn't any stigma. It's a worthwhile experience. Trust!

marin79

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @hortense: Transpacific long distance relationship, six months.

Good. God. Bluer balls/walls have never existed.

greenglass

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @snarkhunting: Yeah, I stated my case awhile back. And I saw Loucifer's point up until last comment. Uh...no. If you have had any experience with the truly mentally ill, imbalances and mental disorders are a sad, sad, REALITY.

LaFemme

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: Well, there's a big difference between "overlooking" that he's not some kind of typically attractive and him not being attractive to you. Don't settle.
@dvs: That's the MLK statue on Marsh Plaza. It's been 18 months, you're unhappy, he's unhappy. You're on a comment thread on a website asking for help on how to fix it... You deserve to be happy, he deserves to be happy and you deserve to have the boinking you want. Seriously. Therapy's probably cheaper than a romantic vacation and likely more helpful.

Megan Carpentier

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @DreamerMarie: Thanks. :/ It's taken me a long time to be able to talk about it openly(it's been five years since I was diagnosed, but I knew there was something wrong well before then). But since the whole foul-up with my meds, I've decided to treat it like I would any other chronic condition. It is what it is. I live with it. I'm not going to tell everyone I meet about it, but I'm not going to go out of my way to hide it, either. It doesn't mean that I can't function (unless it gets bad), and I see a therapist to learn how to consciously filter the noise. But when someone stands up and says "I don't believe there's anything wrong with you" or some variation of "it's all in your head" (which, of course, it IS, but not in that way), I want to scream. I can only imagine that people with other illnesses that are disbelieved in (like, oh, say, fibromyalgia) feel the same way.

snarkhunting

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Notes from the underwhelmed: we did spend part of our honeymoon in vegas... may just work.

dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Megan Carpentier: Sweet jesus you give good advice.

This thread is amazing. If you ever thought you were abnormal, weird, or alone, here is the proof otherwise.

SurplusJ

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @goodcheapfun:
i think so too. but, i knew when i married him that he was a keeper... he is actually still by my side and sexually attracted to me... we're just not doing it, because i'm scared and when we do do it, i want it to be natural (meaning casual - as i imagine how other in love couples make love)


dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: Seriously, it works really well. Maybe if you don't have "baby fear" on the brain, you can loosen up enough to do it. I'd try it. Why the hell not? Then like, both of you think about what turns you on, maybe watch some porn, go to an adult bookstore and get excited! Maybe try and take a vacation and leave your kid with relatives. Or even just spend a child-free night at a hotel! Maybe one of the klassy ones with the mirrors on the ceiling and the heart shaped jacuzzi.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> women shouldn't be ashamed of their need for sex. we should embrace it; it's 2008. while it is still taboo to need sex as a woman, we as women allow that stigma to stay as the cultural norm. go out there an tell men you want to be fucked, and don't let shame get in your way! do, however, do so safely.

swimmingly

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @LaFemme: Yeah, I was all set to apologize for jumping the gun, and then I saw that.

Aaaand, well. The wordy result is up there.

snarkhunting

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @snarkhunting: Ugh, don't even waste your time. If someone doesn't want to believe the scientific proof that chemical imbalances exist, they can go chill with Tom Cruise and the other non-believers. Denial is a necessary emotion.

marin79

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> btw, i graduated from bu w/ my degree in post childhood psych...
it's all difficult for me...


dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @LaFemme: Oh. Take it back. I am wrong. Should have scrolled. I DO believe in imbalances.

LaFemme

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @snarkhunting: Loucifer did explain this. Scroll.

LaFemme

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @dvs: Wow, that is way too long to go without sex with a man sleeping beside you (no offense).

I personally think saying "I need sex now" is perfectly acceptable (but then again I'm fucking celibate!). So, horny, forceful me aside I say go for a little caressing under the sheets. I can't see any functional man not being very turned on by some turning on (also embrace the blow job, I found it very erotic for myself and my then husband of course loved it).

goodcheapfun

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer: I may disagree with your personally, but I have been known to enjoy some of your movies, Mr. Cruise. Risky Business is still great.

Macloserboy

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer: Bet you don't believe in evolution either. Oh yeah, the world is flat.

Don't talk about shit you don't understand. Honestly, how did you go from normal conversation to crazy talk?

marin79

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @snarkhunting: Anxiety disorder sucks. My mother has it and she doesn't want to do anything about it. I'm glad that you're working about it and taking your meds. I know from observation that things aren't fun otherwise.

DreamerMarie

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Megan Carpentier: I don't know- this is going to sound weird... but every time I've dated a guy who I make that jump for- who I say "I'm going to overlook the fact that this dude is not super attractive, because he seems awesome"- the guy dumps my ass in a couple weeks to date a nice, homely girl. Which is not fair. So I'm bitter. It like, just happened again, so I'm *super* bitter. Most of the time I feel like I'd rather have meaningless sex with someone I don't care about so I at least know where I stand.

Notes from the underwhelmed

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> ok, so i went to bu too... and when i was there, the bird statue in front of some part of school that i can't remember were still rooted in statue position... you know the saying, right?
i've thought of therapy, but i feel as if though we're on the verge of a magical weekend and we'll get over this...
i just reeeaaaallllyyy don't want it to be a big deal. even though i know it is.



dvs

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Megan Carpentier: Yah. Right on. It's not like one day you go "wow, last 9 years have been shitty, but lets now relive how it was when we met." Get thee to therapy.

LaFemme

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @ZinniaZ: On Celexa during the cancer period, is what I meant.

ZinniaZ

]]> <![CDATA[What Constitutes a Dry Spell?]]> @Louficer: So, basically, you're saying that there's no chemical reason for mental illness. What do you suppose causes it, then? What causes all those little misfires in the brain that result in OCD or schizophrenia or chronic depression? You went through a depressed period. You got out of it. Good for you.

I don't suffer from depression. I have an anxiety disorder. I have had it my entire life, and it's only gotten worse as I've gotten older. "Normal" for me includes things like believing--every FUCKING DAY--that something terrible has/is about to happen(ed). It includes being depressed because the anxiety is so overwhelming and omnipresent that I can't do anything but try to distract myself with tv. When I was a teenager, it meant being 100% convinced that if my mother was 30 minutes late coming home from work, she'd died in a car accident. It means waking up screaming, or worse, waking up shaking uncontrollably from fear. And the whole time, I know every one of those fears is irrational. You think that's fun to live with? You think I didn't try to "get over it," "change my life"?

It's nice that you can believe there's no such thing as a chemical imbalance. Maybe I'm just possessed by devils, and that's why I live with chronic anxiety. Or maybe there's something not-quite optimal in my brain that leaves me unable to filter out all that noise.

When my dosage of my non-SSRI was accidentally halved, I went into a spiral. No one could figure it out, b/c no one