Is that really so desperately sad? Or just mature? :P

It's how I got my current boyfriend, soon to be husband. Yeah I didn't think he was hot at first, but it only took getting head from him a couple times to change that perspective. :P

JRae

If you do, great. If you don't, maybe you should start looking beyond what makes you horny... any girl can tart it up and turn you on, trust me. (I'm assuming you're a man btw, if not, my apologies.)

JRae

please tell your sister she has a job Jezzy job offer after she graduates :)

sienna2125

i've been insanely physically attracted to men who have the personality of a lampshade and surprisingly enough, given the opportunity, i still wouldn't have sex with them. again, i'd rather sleep alone than with an asshole in sheep's clothing.

rednrowdy

Molly Lambert

what if that was really true-- what if the therapist was worried for you? I once had a therapist contact me cos I was the object of someone's bitter obsession. if it was me that's the way I'd spin it in any case. ::smirk::

satori

FourthWaveBaby

So in the case of this column: A woman had a bunch of "encounters" with men who didn't want to commit to her. But -- how could she have possibly known whether *she* would have wanted to commit to any of them? She didn't spend much time with any of them, or have a kind word to say about a single one. It's as if a man had written about the many women he'd met in New York -- mostly unattractive, weird or uninteresting -- none of whom would sleep with him!

Don't get me wrong -- I've done my share of dating for approval, and I've done it in New York. But I've also met many nice, cute, normal dudes here, all around my age (late 20s to early 30s) who were definitely interested in commitment.

lily718

However: I just read kungfutoday's comment, and snap. That is a point that I didn't get before, but now I totally see it and agree.

luxylux

oeditrix

awinoforever

This perfectly describes my confusion during my last relationship.

ratbutt

"It's weird how he makes me feel so terrible about myself when he's the ugly one." This is really funny, because it's so sad and so true. I had a friend whose boyfriend was/is one of the ugliest people I've ever known. He treats his girlfriend like absolute shit, most likely because he's insecure about being so much less attractive than her.

mellybelle

Funny, because I think most of us already know all these things, but need constant reminders to save us from ourselves.

echosdream

tokyomonamour

tokyomonamour

Yeah, they don't exist either - and if they do, they definitely aren't cute.

jammiriffic

gordiva

kami2000

Do you date people that you aren't attracted to physically? How do you end up having sex? Do you have sex?

Serious question.

redheadedstepchild

@shewar: Word! Short guys are the fat girls of cunnilingus!

ronaldpagan

And I'm an editor. But it's Monday.

cautionarywhale

Oh, and Moe's little sister rocks. When I was her age, I had NO idea about how to do any of this.

cautionarywhale

deuteragonist

Or we just decide to become islands onto ourselves. Personally, I think if anyone wants to START on the path toward building intimate relationships with lovers/ friends, you need to stop making the same mistakes over again (aka, trust your instincts and go after people you LIKE).

Oh and to clarify on rule #2 about reading the Rules. I never actually read that book and just saw some excerpts on the interweb, but there are 3 that i think are good advice.
1) "be a creature unlike any other". omg soooo dorky, i know. but i think its important to realize that you are special, do some soul-searching, and appreciate being on your own. that's my interpretation of what i read on wikipedia, anyway.
2) dont rush sex and intimacy/ dont tell him too much right away
3) take care of yourself.

If nothing else, following THE RULES will get you an average, stable relationship that makes you realize that being by yourself is actually better than being in a lame relationship.

moesis

rednrowdy

Christina's advice is hilarious and spot on!

OneTheyCallLuna

So, she's basing this whole depressive view of dating and men on the countless men she's had these encounters with. It seems like part of the problem is that she's getting way too invested in the random encounters - like every guy she ever had a conversation with was a potential date - and that seems needy and desperate and stupid and immature all at once.
Sometimes a conversation with a guy or a meal with a guy or, heck, even a hook-up with a guy is just that and nothing more. And to view it as potentially something more that failed, is to give yourself a far greater losing streak than you deserve or that you've earned. A vicious cycle. So, a zenlike form of nonattachment would be good for her - not so she can never feel, but so she can save attachment for people she's genuinely interested in - and who are interested in her. Not just desperately want someone to want her.

kungfutoday

Focusing on the ghosts of old douchbags/ douchebaguettes will not get you anywhere. The Rules and all that jazz say to get a life. It is way easier said than done, but it is the cold hard truth. Don't waste brain energy focusing on assholes, there are millions of more important things to be doing with your time.

madamequeen will not let you sleep on the couch

hollywoodenflames

shewar

hollywoodenflames

I've been on dates where I really like the girl, had a great time, but really didn't have any desire to get to business time.

That's not going to work long term.

redheadedstepchild

Sunflowercat

shortagee

shewar

@City_Dater: @BlondeGrlz: Oh, I'm sure we could tell some stories. And City_Dater, I bet your ass we HAVE dated the same guys. I guarantee.

katastic

Ladies in NYC, I have a bunch of sweet single guy friends that need cool girlfriends, let me know if you want a hook up! ;)

My best advice for trying to find a partner is this:

-There is no perfect soulmate who you'll get with and everything will be magically perfect. Every single relationship takes work and is hard. Just remember that when the shit starts going down.

-Honesty and open communication are key.

-Looks mean nothing. Sexual attractiveness means little (we're animals- we can have sex with any human with a penis). What's important is that your partner be a person you could be best friends with.

-The beginning of the relationship is always fun and easy. You'll find out whether it will really work once the "honeymoon" phase is over. That took a year or two for me and my boyfriend. Don't get married or make any commitments until it's over- you'll know it's over once those cute things start annoying... your first fight is also a good indication. :)

JRae

hamburgerhotdog

And the funny thing is, before I read where she was from, I thought, "Banjo player from New England? I bet he goes to Marlboro." Seriously. They're like the hippy school equivalent of football heroes.

ElinorGee

Nerve is only good for guilt-free drunken sex. But not guilt-free good drunken sex.

shewar

It works well. Of course I have an ego built by rubbermaid.

Xavoc

retardataire

shewar

My boyfriend is self-confident but I DEFINITELY thought he was an asshole at first. The company he kept at the time (no longer around, thankfully) didn't help either.

Funnily, it seems like when people meet him, the level of THEIR insecurity coincides with how much they view him as arrogant, or an ass, when he's really neither of the two but rather quite loud and devil-may-care.

WantToTouchtheWahine

Does no one else notice this?

redheadedstepchild

distractedbyshinyobjects

shortagee

hamburgerhotdog

DinaRonson

margotenenbaum

Whitney's Black Best Friend

paperpusher

Xavoc

Still... ultimately, I'm squashed like a 'lil bug and genuinely surprised each time it happens. Sigh.

I think part of dating in a large city is that everyone is always in a state of transition. Like navigating the street via car or foot, no one ever seems to be in sync. Breaking up is like spilling a large cup of coffee all over yourself after someone bumps into you.

shewar

ultravylet

Xavoc

GENERAL DATING ADVICE:

REDHEADED VIRGINIANS ARE THE BEST!!!

(what? blatant self promotion? never!)

redheadedstepchild

But thanks for the lesson on city populations.

TheGuvnah

redheadedstepchild

hollywoodenflames

hollywoodenflames

Xavoc

hollywoodenflames

luxylux

brassinpocket

saradanger

redheadedstepchild

TRUTH!

ManhattanManHatin'

hamburgerhotdog

TheFormerJuneBronson

Being able to look at oneself critically, and know what parts of you that you want to fix for yourself (not for dating purposes) is a completely different idea altogether.

My honest current theory about finding the right person for you is simply this:

A successful relationship requires finding someone whose neroses are compatible with yours.

Xavoc

ManhattanManHatin'

New Yorkers are much mellower when they move out here to the beach. Then again, I have settled on a Virginian, so what do I know?

distractedbyshinyobjects

SkipToMyLou

City_Dater

BUT there's just tooo many!

Maybe somebody who isn't as lazy as I am needs to dig out that demographics study with the singles chart.

redheadedstepchild

hamburgerhotdog

Xavoc

Basically, you have to be able to walk your own line, and deal with both the assholes, and the nice guys, trying to trip you up.

Xavoc

hamburgerhotdog

denapsu

Maybe I need to move to New York.

redheadedstepchild

However, as we're all aware there is no tried and true method to finding "the one" or even someone worth dating.

Xavoc

But it's true. So fucking true. I've been dating here for 5 years. Nothing ever lasts more than 3 months. Around the 2.5 month mark...I start getting extremely nervous and waiting for it to end, which is prompty does 2-4 weeks later.

Most of the time, nothing ever goes beyond a second date.

Last five dudes: (5) tried to diagnose me after 2 dates/hit on my friend, (4) drank beer like a frat dude though he never went to college, (3) jazz musician/professional pussy hunter/fucks married chicks, (2) 30-something balding fug unemployed serial dater, and (1) some random fucker who I picked up in the bar that snuck out while I was in the bathroom (after we fucked, of course).

These are all just within the last 2 months after getting dumped by the one who just couldn't be my boyfriend because girls from his past have cheated on him.

Fuck this. Seriously. I'm done.

shewar

See the diff. is, I don't consider playing with people A GAME.

Why not go back to bummfuck Ohio instead of playing out yer juvie fantasies here?

Native NY'ers are tired of wannabes who've watched too many movies.

brassinpocket

I've never compromised the "treat me with respect" part. I've compromised on physical attractiveness, political beliefs, hobbies and interests, and most of all, the "don't date a guy whose family hates you" part. I compromised on that one big time with my husband.

Jan74

Macloserboy

And for those few "hopeless romantic" males (emphasis on hopeless) this is a very poor stereotype to reinforce in their brains.

Xavoc

Ok - first of all some real live commentary from an NYC single straight male.

I have been here 5 years since moving here from the midwest to do the finance thing. I have also been single 4 of those years.

A few reasons for the preponderance of the NYC commitment phobe:

There is a great selection of women here (all ages, sizes, ethnicities) and combining that with the higher average income and education of your manhattan dwelling bachelor this results in the ability to live out your peter pan fantasies a lot longer than you would out in west bumf*ck USA.

Secondly the existence of the NYC "female player" - who is very adept at getting what she wants.
The only way to defeat this woman at her own game and make sure she does not leave you an emotional blubbering wreck when you were just hooking up is to maintain distance and always assume there is "someone else" - boyfriend, ex husband, fuck buddy, guy at the bodega - it does not matter. So you act charming, get yours and move on when you have to.

In addition, given the fact that women have a lot more opportunities for sex - staying single longer has the added advantage of helping you (as a single, straight man) add more and varied sexual experiences to your repertoire.

You might not be able or be inclined to write a blog about all of your adventures, but you will have lived a full life and will be more experienced and self aware when you do finally decide to settle down.

Those are my theories in a nutshell ...

Then again we might all just be Type A assholes... but I do assure you; its not personal - its just the game.

646hedgie

expatriatedjerseyan

redheadedstepchild

I bet if we ever met and compared notes, we've been out with all the same guys!
Aiieeek!

City_Dater

I asked my husband out, and he is "out of my league" for those who believe the "5s only date 5s, and so on" Dr. House theory of relationships, and he is nice and appreciates me for who I am, even after years of getting "the look" when he introduces me to people, or even the flat out "What do you see in her?" question.

Jan74

hamburgerhotdog

Would you rather be dating a guy who you feel is beneath you, because well at least you're not alone, or would you like to have your pride intact by insisting that he live up to your personal standards?

Xavoc

I went on a couple of dates with a guy who, nearing age 30, still lived in his parents' brownstone and told his (gynecologist) parents all the details of his sex life. A mutual friend told me that the guy recently called his ex-girlfriend to meet him in the park because he wanted to propose to her, as if it were going to be that simple now that he felt ready for a commitment. It seems she didn't show.

KittenFluff

"If you want to be happy for the rest of your life..."

Basically, in a way you set yourself up for failure. If you do not truly believe that you are the equal of the person you're dating in a relationship, the relationship is doomed. You cannot keep a person under your thumb, you cannot be afraid of losing the person you are dating. Either they are, or they are not, worthy of you. If they leave, for whatever reason, then obviously they do not appreciate what you have to offer as a mate.

I'm not sure I agree with the cute statement. I believe a lot more in body chemistry. I don't care if a woman is the most gorgeous being on the planet, if she smells like moldy gym socks to me (as in my reaction to her body chemistry, not that she actually smells like said socks) then I don't want to be dating her.

And, let's face it. We've all met people who do not "smell" right to us. It's like the difference between people who like Drakkar cologne, and those who don't. To me it smells like rotting fish.

Xavoc

SarahMcL

Exactly. So while I think The Rules turned this type of thinking into evil, manipulative, fakery, that there are certain messages, like Moe's sister emphasized, that can be helpful to the younger generation. You are worth respect. Demand respect, or tell him to hit the highway.

Jan74

Dating in NYC and the many, many types of misfunctions that reside here.

PLEASE.

Look, I'll start the list:

Assholian French (or hell any Euro) dude.

Emotionally unavailable therapy/meds case. Never been married, and is IN HIS FORTIES. Classic.

There are dating types that are a right of passage for all New York women.

brassinpocket

bigtittycommittee

i'd rather sleep alone than sleep with an asshole in sheeps clothing.

rednrowdy

mutualcraze

sheistolerable

I've asked my (very few, mid thirties) married male friends why they decided to settle down and they cited that they were in the right place. The women they decided to marry was also in the right place at the right time (the old corny thing about finding a taxi with the light on) so they just decided that'll do. Not so romantic, but the marriages seem to be happy.

hamburgerhotdog

margotenenbaum

andBegorrah

I too reluctantly read this week's Modern Love - and at first was astounded that someone 15+ years my junior was at the same damn place I am. (at my self being there- not her)

I've always thought that "rules" book was stupid - it's common sense.
Now, FOLLOWING that is the prob here in Manhattan.

I'll be spending my time trolling the airports for the new arrivals

DinaRonson

bigtittycommittee

I've found that many of my flirtations with attractive girls (or at least those I perceive to be more attractive than myself) are unsuccessful - that a reach beyond my status, if you will, happens at my own peril.

The one time it did happen successfully, I quickly came to fear that she would leave me for someone else (suffice it to say that my fears were well placed). Shit like that fucks with your psychosexual processes in weird ways, and I'm not sure how that works for girls, if it's similar to what happened to me.

I'm also not sure if the lesson is to suck it up, try and retain some self-esteem and continue going after the girl you think if really hot, or know who you are, and try to find a great girl more in your own range. I naturally welcome the wise commentary of other Jezebel readers.

expatriatedjerseyan

SarahMcL

Honking to retreieve one's date to me means, "My car is more valuable to me than you are. Please make sure I do not have to leave it. It might get scratched, dented, breathed on wrong, someone beneath me might lean up against it and well you're just not worth that much."

Xavoc

So agree! Hamhot, you have perfectly described guy #1 in Katastic's list. Guy #2 is overwhelmed by the lack of social contacts in his life and thus decides that you will be his entire social life and you spend every minute together because that's what love is.

nowimpissed

andBegorrah

Xavoc

hamburgerhotdog

BlondeGrlz

Because I'm like a disease without any cure?

margotenenbaum

You excel at summarizing.

While the whole "don't accept a date for Saturday as of Wednesday" and other stuff like that is bullshit, I am appalled at the young girls who live on my street and who have their dates/boyfriends pick them up by just honking the horn at them. Playing hard to get is stupid, but fuck, make the guy at least get out of the car and ring the doorbell.

Jan74

awinoforever

retardataire

The amusing flipside of this is that women immediately recognize Nice Guys as whiny men lacking a spine and clearly defined boundaries.

Xavoc

But who else is going to parse the metaphoric implications of syphilis as a gendered construct? And if I'm not doing that, then I'll have to acknowledge that he probably gave me fucking syphilis, and not in that quaint Edwardian way either.

andBegorrah

ToniRockyhorror

hamburgerhotdog

hamburgerhotdog

I have run into two types of men in NYC:
1.) I don't want a girlfriend. I will pretend I do, but when you make even the slightest hey-maybe-we-should-not-date-other-people move I will act like you are Glenn Close trying to boil my bunny.
2.) I desperately want a girlfriend. Please, oh God please. Let's spend every moment together and hey why don't you just move in and how many kids do you want and I know it's our third date but I reaaallly have a special feeling that you are IT. Have my babies.

Very little middle ground.

katastic

rednrowdy

Macloserboy

TheOtherJen

KittenFluff

weedie

sanibelly

bananaballs

Long blonde hair = good.
Assertiveness = bad.
Playing hard to get = good.
Personality = bad.

ManhattanManHatin'

there should be an addendum to number 3. not just 'go for guys that you think are hot' but also 'learn to redefine what you think 'hot' is'. hot when you are in high school is not exactly the same criteria when you are 32. just sayin'.

rednrowdy

I confess, I am surprised to see a reference to The Rules! That book is poorly written and sometimes over-the-top, but one other point it gets right (in addition to the Cliffs-Notes version given above) is "love only those who love you." (incidentally, the book He's Just Not That Into You gives basically the same advice) If a guy doesn't like you, he doesn't like you. To paraphrase Bonnie Raitt, you can't make him love you if he doesn't. You are better off spending your time and energy on someone who does. It just makes your life so much easier.

feminaformosa