- Jezebel Comments

mgarcia20 — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 14:27:26 EDT

wow, these cover lines are so good, it's almost as though they work there already!

i.hate.cosmo.like.whoa.

mgarcia20

laurasaurus — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 20:16:06 EDT

@Banana Grabber: Side-note, I love your username and your icon.

"I can't believe I gave away animation rights."

laurasaurus

Cfredl54 — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 19:22:17 EDT

@Banana Grabber: haha, i started cracking up when i read that.

Cfredl54

robotitron — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 19:18:42 EDT

This is amazing. Jezebel knows how to start a girl's weekend off right.

robotitron

LahFawnDuh — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 19:15:29 EDT

I'm so mad I can't see them. I'm at home too, wtf!

LahFawnDuh

sarrible — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 18:25:21 EDT

@ineffable.me: Damn, woman. I think I've said that every single day of the last three years of grad school.

sarrible

susie_drew — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 18:09:35 EDT

@Blue Skies, Golden Sunshine: Ah, yes. In related news, my wit has left the office and will not return until 9 a.m. on Monday. Until then, I say "Cheers."

susie_drew

enonhof — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:52:46 EDT

I don't think these girls were really committed enough, if they really loved cosmo wouldn't they know (all but 1) are missing one essential element in a cosmo cover. Boobs.

enonhof

Downes — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:34:44 EDT

Here's the full set of links to the covers:

[www.cosmopolitan.com]

Personally, I like these covers a lot more than the real Cosmo covers. But I doubt that Cosmo is ready for so many visible minorities (time moves slowly in the magazine biz).

Downes

lucyjae — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:29:51 EDT

@ineffable.me: and grammar, and punctuation, and proper spacing. it really made me feel sad. especially since this man used to be a vp at microsoft and makes more money than i ever will. why do people who are dumber than me always make more money? ugh, friday, lucyjae sad

lucyjae

AbbyNormal — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:03:00 EDT

@ineffable.me: Aaack! Bad memory of a professor giving a power point lecture and using a laser pointer to highlight the highlights. I remember thinking that it was too bad that the laser pointer didn't have a happy face so he could bounce it over the words as we read along. And is it any wonder that I don't have a single memory of that class outside of this one?

AbbyNormal

ineffable.me — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:52:49 EDT

@HistoricUpstart: Oh christ. worst part of college presentations ever. "Hey asshole! If you write it on the fucking presentation you dont need to read it as well! I can read!!"

ineffable.me

HistoricUpstart — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:34:47 EDT

@ineffable.me: The high school students I teach actually requested that I use PowerPoint last week!

HistoricUpstart

ineffable.me — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:28:54 EDT

@lucyjae: ah Power Point, where good design goes to die.

ineffable.me

eleanorstrousers — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:27:42 EDT

Tnat reminds me. I need to get started on a new look of my own. Involving hats. Or involving shoes. Or involving reading a book once in a while so I can write better copy than these folks.

eleanorstrousers

BrutallyHonestBabes — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:26:37 EDT

Oh, jeez. It's like watching a train wreck! I'm in slo mo yelling "nnoooooooooooooooooooooo!!"

BrutallyHonestBabes

AbbyNormal — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:25:35 EDT

Oh, wow. Thanks for this link, I was laughing so hard I got a new ripping set of abs. "Make Him Squirt!" Bwa ha ha, like making a man squirt involves any effort on our part. My fav is MISs AvALiCiOus's cover. I totally just thought of L.A. Story for some reason. Do you mind if I twirl?

AbbyNormal

sarrible — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:23:31 EDT

@Jezebabe...is a stern and angry midget!!!!: Yeah, this is why display type is not an art for amateurs. I miss the halcyon days of "sexual fucking."

sarrible

laurasaurus — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:18:52 EDT

We should all submit our own parodic covers.

Except I don't know if we can parody something that's practically parodic of itself already.

laurasaurus

lucyjae — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:18:49 EDT

After just having seen a power point presentation that the CEO of my company did, I'm not so sure he didn't make all of these.

lucyjae

ihateyourescalade is an east coast elite — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:18:48 EDT

@KittenFluff: No, SuperFlirt69xoxo

ihateyourescalade is an east coast elite

KittenFluff — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:16:33 EDT

I bet this girl's screenname is SuperFlirt23xoxo.

KittenFluff

Ulookinatmyjunk!?! — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:16:31 EDT

Dude, I can't seeeeee the pictures! What's wrong with my browser? I'm dyyyyyying...I want to know what they're doing. Stupid work pop-up blocker. Thwarted again.

Ulookinatmyjunk!?!

ineffable.me — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:14:01 EDT

@Jezebabe...is a stern and angry midget!!!!: did ya see the schoolgirl? and their names!!!
THE SECRETS OF SEXY INEFFABLE.ME ON HOW TO BE SEXY

ineffable.me

mysterygirl — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:13:47 EDT

Now I think Jezebel needs some kind of Make-Your-Own-Ladymag-Cover contest. Mine would feature someone hugging a woman with her legs in friendship.

mysterygirl

ihateyourescalade is an east coast elite — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:12:52 EDT

Euw. Cover Girl Number 7. Is she channelling Mariah Carey in that creepy schoolgirl video?

ihateyourescalade is an east coast elite

Jezebabe — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:12:47 EDT

@ineffable.me: seriously, hello? They know people can see these, right? How do people humiliate themselves like that. It's hilarious.

Jezebabe

hellodarling! — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:10:39 EDT

@lucyjae: Oh my God, me too. I'm laughing so hard at these.

Boyfriend's a pretentious graphic designer. I can't send this to him for fear that his head would explode, and I can't afford our entire apartment.

hellodarling!

sovereign_state — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:09:59 EDT

No wonder Cosmo can get away with their magazine covers look at this mess their "readers" think is cool.

readers is in quotes because i'm really not so sure they can.

sovereign_state

ineffable.me — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:09:42 EDT

@Jezebabe...is a stern and angry midget!!!!: ""Make him squirt!! while you do the same"

ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew eeeeeeew.

ineffable.me

Archetype — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:09:07 EDT

@foree: Aw, you're going to make me blush.

Archetype

Jezebabe — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:08:13 EDT

OMG!!!!! "Fell sexy intensely: Could your man be gay?"

Jezebabe

Macloserboy — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:06:51 EDT

@ineffable.me: I was going to mention that myself.

Also, is that "Leanne T" for "tranny" 'cause she's a man, baby!

Macloserboy

Jezebabe — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:06:47 EDT

I'm sorry, but these women are all huge morons. To wit, here are a few of their cover lines:

"Make him squirt!! while you do the same"

"Secrets out men spill about their girlfriends"

"Little mouth moves that make sex hotter"

"Your va-jay-jay: Fascinating facts about your lovely lady parts"

"Hot dates Valentines is here how to make it hot"

"Surveys! Our surveys show unknown unbelievable facts"

"have him craving your sex"

And my fave:
"Be Confident: How to be more confident" OF COURSE!!!

These women know other people can read these, right?

Jezebabe

Tambo — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:04:53 EDT

I'm sorry...."The cowgirl way on a horse" Uh....huh? Wha?! Is that about sex? Sex with horses? What's happening?

Tambo

sybann — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:04:19 EDT

Bummer - I just get titles - no graphics. But from what ya'll are sayin that may be a blessing.

sybann

Blue Skies, Golden Sunshine — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:03:53 EDT

@susie_drew: I think you mean, "When to not split infinitives."

Blue Skies, Golden Sunshine

foree k. — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:03:27 EDT

@Archetype: you are my fave today, by far!

foree k.

amandacobra — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:03:17 EDT

I first thought the line "Become a SEX-pert" actually said "Become a SEX-port"

I like mine better.

amandacobra

ineffable.me — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:03:01 EDT

@Archetype: ooooOOOOOoooh

ineffable.me

susie_drew — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:01:15 EDT

How about "Grammar: When to split infinitives"

susie_drew

Blue Skies, Golden Sunshine — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:00:41 EDT

@homeslice: Valley of the Kings?

Blue Skies, Golden Sunshine

goldengirl11 — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:00:37 EDT

@Archetype: That's how I felt with the "bed-me eyes" line. Not really any funnier than any of the other headlines on there, but THIS is what made me burst into laughter as my boss walked into the room. It's Friday...that's all I can say...

The "when to smile, when to not," is really great too, I'd love to read that article. Is it like, "smile when you're happy, frown when you're sad." Or something more useful like, "your smile can be a powerful tool! Any time you smile at your boyfriend, he will assume he is doing something right and be happy and not work as hard to please you. Only smile at him when you think he is about to break up with you!! It'll make him reconsider his decisioN!"

goldengirl11

DorothyZbornak — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:00:22 EDT

I like:

TIGHT
abs

I think

TIGHT
ass

might be better.

DorothyZbornak

Blue Skies, Golden Sunshine — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:59:03 EDT

The cosmo site makes my computer wonky, but "The new slook involving hats" totally cracked my shit up.

Blue Skies, Golden Sunshine

ali is a cranky whiner — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:56:16 EDT

Cosmo already used "va-jay-jay" themselves on the cover, so that reader gets zero points for creativity. Remember the Rihanna cover?

[jezebel.com]

ali is a cranky whiner

Archetype — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:55:07 EDT

@ineffable.me: To a man's heart, obviously.

Archetype

ineffable.me — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:53:55 EDT

@TriedandTrue: The way into what? a vagina?

ineffable.me

hfree — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:53:40 EDT

@funnyface: "Is that "heroin" "heroine" thing a typo or a weird pun?"

I dunno but it reminds of the movie the Commitments--"Heroine Kills"

hfree

TriedandTrue — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:52:23 EDT

"The Way In - When to Smile, When to Not"
That may be my favorite.

TriedandTrue

ineffable.me — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:52:08 EDT

@hortense: I think you see a guy on the street and youre all "HEY LETS GO HANG OUT"

thats it.

ineffable.me

theladyvanishes — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:50:07 EDT

At least two of those girls went to Glamour Shots with the express intent of using their photos for made up Cosmo covers. The others were just not committed enough.

theladyvanishes

Archetype — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:48:22 EDT

@foree: That particular cover is so....literal...it's painful to read.

I'm surprised she doesn't have some copy that says, "Do you like boys? It's probably because you are a girl. Or a gay dude."

Archetype

Neutralize — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:48:00 EDT

I love the girl who Photoshopped herself into just the kind of non-person Cosmo is looking for. Is that a reader? Kelly Clarkson? Some new starlet? Who gives a fuck, let us tell you what weird thing we want you to jerk your man off with this month.

Neutralize

boss_lady — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:47:01 EDT

@ineffable.me: Ten out of ten for that.

boss_lady

yourbffjill — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:46:52 EDT

Oh my heart aches for what looks to be my own damn generation. Those girls all look old enough to know how embarrassing these are.

And for that reason, I will not feel bad about how much I laughed.

yourbffjill

hortense — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:46:19 EDT

Well now I have all kinds of questions. How DOES one be spontaneous on a hang out date? And what, pray tell, is a hang out date?

Glamour Shots must have made a killing off of this shit.

hortense

foree k. — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:45:11 EDT

@Archetype: i know i know...so funny

foree k.

lucyjae — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:44:51 EDT

this is 27 levels of ridiculousness. and it made my brain hurt so i can go no further.

lucyjae

cargirl86 — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:44:30 EDT

So apparently only 14 year olds read Cosmo, because with the exception of two to three of the covers, that's about how old these girls look.

cargirl86

KittenFluff — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:44:21 EDT

OK, I am so upset I can't see this at work and am missing all the fun.

KittenFluff

KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:44:16 EDT

I hate the word "va-jay-jay." Its not even a real word. Vagina. There, I said it.

KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins

LadyNo Fondles Sweaters — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:43:33 EDT

@ineffable.me: yeah, that was painful. I think they were all created in MS Paint?

LadyNo Fondles Sweaters

MsDirector — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:42:57 EDT

My favorite has got to be:

BE CONFIDENT
Learn to be more confident

Brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

MsDirector

emandem — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:42:39 EDT

I'm so glad I don't read Cosmo anymore...

emandem

cargirl86 — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:42:12 EDT

I liked the whole "SURVEYS!
Our surveys show unknown, unbelievable facts"

Kinda like the encyclopedia.

cargirl86

hortense — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:42:12 EDT

Somebody's auditioning for the next Coyote Ugly reality show!

hortense

Archetype — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:42:03 EDT

Sorry, I am totally stuck on "the new look involving hats." I don't think I've ever read anything so funny. And I don't know why.

Archetype

SuburbanWonderland — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:41:43 EDT

Yeah, as a graphic designer, I feel like I've been artistically assaulted.
Typeface hell!

SuburbanWonderland

Archetype — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:39:31 EDT

@ineffable.me: God me too. I'm not a graphic designer, but please.

Archetype

homeslice — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:39:12 EDT

va-jay-jay??!!? Still? I really prefer the Pharaoh's Tomb.

homeslice

CorporateTool — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:39:12 EDT

I also really love "if guys read Cosmo they would get good abs from laughing" or something along those lines.

CorporateTool

Banana Grabber — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:39:05 EDT

Feel Sexy
Intensely
Could UR Man Be Gay?

-----

It's like a haiku of pure idiocy.

Banana Grabber

TruculentandUnreliable — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:38:22 EDT

The worst about the new look involving hats is that she spelled it "invoving." And also used a LOT of ellipses, which I'm pretty sure is stylistically incorrect.

TruculentandUnreliable

ineffable.me — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:38:01 EDT

@ineffable.me: wait no no, a cosmisogynist.

the graphic designer in me weeps gently now.

ineffable.me

Archetype — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:37:41 EDT

Cover Girl 6 has some major issues with the menz.

Archetype

ForeverBlueGirl — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:36:50 EDT

Ugh. Work spam-blocker.

ForeverBlueGirl

braak — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:36:39 EDT