- Jezebel Comments

LipstickLibrarian — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 11:06:58 EST

@drunkexpatwriter: Which is exactly what I had in mind! How fabulous would that be, to see our bogus advice in the pages of one of the most absurd magazines known to womankind?

LipstickLibrarian

drunkexpatwriter — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 07:09:40 EST

@LipstickLibrarian: The problem is they might not realize they are satire and actually use them.

I mean, seriously, I could write in "I think about cleaning toasters." Flash forward three months and they'll be an issue of Cosmo where they advise the women to "Clean toasters in front of your man if you really want to get him hot!"

drunkexpatwriter

Molly Lambert — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 04:39:11 EST

what DON'T I masturbate to?

Molly Lambert

drunkexpatwriter — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 03:25:08 EST

@ThaKadinskyPapers: I actually own very little porn. Mostly because I'm paid to write it.

That said the "Best of Babelogs" feature on Fleshbot does the job nicely.

drunkexpatwriter

LipstickLibrarian — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 01:01:46 EST

@ThaKadinskyPapers: That sounds brilliant, actually!

"Dear Cosmo, after my girlfriend goes to bed, I watch Seinfeld reruns and fantasize about Kramer's giant hairdo bobbing between my thighs."

LipstickLibrarian

ThaKadinskyPapers — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 00:38:20 EST

@LipstickLibrarian: like your weird guy spank bank list you mean??

LOL! I couldn't help it!

ThaKadinskyPapers

ThaKadinskyPapers — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 00:36:55 EST

@ifoughtpiranhas: that does sound sweet, in it's own way (which is all that really matters anyway). I dated a guy who had to take these short business trips, like a day or two, and he would get up and start driving really early in the morning and one night he told me that he frequently jacked off thinking about me while driving. I have the same reaction now as I did then, I'm at first like, 'WTF?!' but then I get hot thinking about it. I mean, what a time to be thinking about boinking someone, 'eh?

ThaKadinskyPapers

LipstickLibrarian — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 00:33:52 EST

Am I the only one tempted to fill out a dozen of those forms, giving fucked-up answers?

LipstickLibrarian

HeatherNumber1 — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 23:42:30 EST

@ifoughtpiranhas: Aww, that actually does sound sweet.

It varies, but occasionally I just think of dirty things I've read. Sometimes even single words. Lots of machinery metaphors.

HeatherNumber1

I fought piranhas — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 23:04:12 EST

My boyfriend has more than once jumped up and down for me when he has a boner, to my great delight. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Jerking it is actually his solution to various problems - when I was worried when we first started dating that he didn't want to go downtown on me, he told me that's what he jerked it to. I didn't like my new haircut, and he said he beat it thinking about my bangs in my eyes. It sounds kind of awful, but it's his attempt at being a sweetheart, in his own really blunt, sincere way.

I fought piranhas

ThaKadinskyPapers — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 22:52:48 EST

@drunkexpatwriter: shocking. how much porn do you own? Just curious, 'cuz I bet I own more porn than you do.

ThaKadinskyPapers

Your Sister-in-law's Baby Cousin Traci — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 22:46:00 EST

@drunkexpatwriter: And I bet that makes your RealDoll very sad.

/won't someone think of the RealDolls?

Your Sister-in-law's Baby Cousin Traci

sushises — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 21:12:49 EST

@Jeremy: "But no screaming Trent in these fantasies, thanks."

Just screaming Trent in those fantasies! (OT, since I'm female, but, I had to say it.)

sushises

drunkexpatwriter — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 19:20:52 EST

I just want to say that I'm the dude who sent this item in and when I whack off I think of porn.

I'm into porn and I'm proud.

;)

drunkexpatwriter

vixenatrix — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 18:47:57 EST

I've been told they often think of disembodied female body parts.

vixenatrix

Jonny Lieberman — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 18:07:32 EST

We look at porn.

Think about women.

Jonny Lieberman

Jeremy — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 16:54:02 EST

It's funny you should mention that. Most of the imagery I shared, I experienced with a girl who loves NIN.

But no screaming Trent in these fantasies, thanks.

Jeremy

BiscuitDoughJones — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 16:43:59 EST

@tailfeather: BWAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!

BiscuitDoughJones

tailfeather — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 16:23:43 EST

@Jeremy: Like, a Nine Inch Nails video?

tailfeather

edgyspice — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 16:22:28 EST

@Jeremy: I like to think about a dick going into a pussy.

edgyspice

ThaKadinskyPapers — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 16:13:39 EST

@lfw1031: Mmmm, replace 'lavender candle' with 'quarter .oz of dank' and we're good.

ThaKadinskyPapers

Jeremy — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:58:15 EST

@BiscuitDoughJones: *squint*

They do not.

While I find a variety of things sexy, I don't think of specific actions or scenarios. My thoughts tend to be very abstract. A smooth hip bone here, or a back of a neck there. An open, moaning pair of female lips, slicked with black lipstick, tongue subtlety seen behind the teeth. An abstract, closeup of the vulva, a bit of wetness apparent. The laces of a black, patten leather corset hanging down across a round ass.

There ya go.

Jeremy

lfw1031 — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:48:44 EST

@BAngieB: I'll work overtime to regain a place in your good graces.

Quick, somebody! Post a Lilo Snap Judgement pronto! I must make good on my promise to BAngieB!

lfw1031

naturalstate — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:48:36 EST

I love that they ask "Do you do it frequently even if you have a steady girl?" Wait, you mean my Cosmo-dictated litany of overly complicated yet still somehow completely boring sex techniques AREN'T ENOUGH FOR HIM?! Seriously though, are they actually still encouraging that particular paranoia in women?

naturalstate

BAngieB — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:44:36 EST

@lfw1031: Maybe you aren't dead to me, but you are grounded.

BAngieB

lfw1031 — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:40:50 EST

@BAngieB: First of all, you're right...boys only like the fakers.

Second of all, she's legal now so the sexualization of your pretty girl is going to happen whether you want it to or no. She is a commodity to those dirty old men (and Dinah!) who sell her out in Hollywood.

Thirdly, and finally, don't you take a wee bit of comfort knowing that - by all accounts - Ms. Lohan neither dreams of men nor masturbates to them?

@ThaKadinskyPapers: I apologize. I'll send over a lavender candle or some soothing bath gel. I never meant to cause you so much grief, especially around the holidays.

lfw1031

BAngieB — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:29:38 EST

@ThaKadinskyPapers: Those are happy thoughts! And, strangely, those things are on my Christmas list.
@lfw1031: First of all, it's mostly those fake porn lesbians that they think of, and, secondly, you know that I am very uncomfortable with the sexualization of my pretty girl. Why do you try and hurt me? Guess what No. 3 is? Yep, that's right: you are dead to me.

BAngieB

ThaKadinskyPapers — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:27:18 EST

@lfw1031: oh now why you gotta go and get her all ruffled up like that?? now I'll never get her to sleep tonight.

@BAngieB: Breathe, deep breath in............annnnnnnnddddd cleansing breath out.

ThaKadinskyPapers

mbprice — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:24:18 EST

Yeah, sometimes porn. Sometimes previous sexual escapades I've had that were particularly hot and memorable. Most of the time it's a specific concept, not so much a mental image. Though sometimes that, too. I guess it's a grab bag. I just like to switch up my fantasies.

mbprice

TruculentandUnreliable — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:20:38 EST

@ilikenoise: Ew. That is a clit-deflater if I've ever heard of one.

TruculentandUnreliable

nikaoh — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:17:28 EST

@ilikenoise: when are we NOT thinking of paul janka? i know i have told like, my room mate, all about him.

nikaoh

DorothyZbornak — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:17:11 EST

@TheGintheCity: That just makes me think of George Costanza trying to eat that sandwich while he had sex.

DorothyZbornak

lfw1031 — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:16:48 EST

@BAngieB: They do it, though. Even lesbians make them want to masturbate.

Even your sweet, pretty girl makes them want to masturbate. ESPECIALLY your sweet, pretty girl.

As such.

lfw1031

ThaKadinskyPapers — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:14:27 EST

@BAngieB: Awwww, Puffa. Think the happy thoughts; tomboys, spankings, bang fingers, you know...

ThaKadinskyPapers

TheGintheCity — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:13:32 EST

I always imagined they were thinking of sandwiches or chocolate pudding, cause that's what dudes usually want after sex: Food.

TheGintheCity

ThaKadinskyPapers — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:13:14 EST

Dear Jezebel,

We just wanted you to know, that we think of you and your awesome-ness constantly, as we twiddle our button.

Love,
Cosmo

ThaKadinskyPapers

BAngieB — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:12:38 EST

This is vulgar. I don't want to know anything about men masturbating.

BAngieB

tailfeather — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:11:59 EST

@notaclevername: Ha! I'm preening.

tailfeather

meaghan2k — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:08:36 EST

Themselves masturbating to themselves masturbating to themselves masturbating...

meaghan2k

ilikenoise: Russell Brand until I die. — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:05:46 EST

@nikaoh: Paul Janka, obviously.

ilikenoise: Russell Brand until I die.

not.a.clever.name — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:03:13 EST

@nikaoh: Tailfeather.

not.a.clever.name

nikaoh — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:01:34 EST

@DorothyZbornak: hm really? you mean men and women are both stimulated VISUALLY?

nikaoh

DorothyZbornak — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:58:43 EST

@nikaoh: The same.

DorothyZbornak

Intern Kevin — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:57:35 EST

xtube.com is a boys best friend.

Intern Kevin

dirtybee says we bee obama jammin — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:57:19 EST

i think of porn - duh.

dirtybee says we bee obama jammin

nikaoh — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:56:12 EST

dear cosmo:
what do WOMEN think when they masturbate?
love,
me

nikaoh

ilikenoise: Russell Brand until I die. — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:53:26 EST

@tailfeather: Hee hee. Always better smart than honest.

ilikenoise: Russell Brand until I die.

BiscuitDoughJones — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:50:18 EST

Apparently, per the Bad Girls Club thread, they think of milk.

BiscuitDoughJones

nellicat — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:48:20 EST

Not my boyfriend. He thinks about running toward me across a meadow in slow motion.

Oh and also: porn.

nellicat

lfw1031 — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:47:28 EST

And baseball b/c, even when thinking about sports that don't have scantily-clad cheerleaders, they still manage to get the job done.

lfw1031

tailfeather — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:47:17 EST

All the guys I date say they think about me. I like smart men.

tailfeather