<![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband - Jezebel Comments]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband - Jezebel Comments]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I amazed this man any love left for anyone else since he's so into himself.

Obsession is never true love because the person is only thinking about their own needs and really they don't give a shit about the needs or perspective of their object of affection. They only care about how the role person plays in their fantasy world. It doesn't matter to him that she doesn't want to spend her life playing that role. How can you really love someone if you don't care what they really want? How can you even claim to be a friend?

Selfish turd!

That being said, she should have clued in to stop feeding his crazy years ago, unless his indications were even more maddeningly, indecipherably subtle than hers.

That being said again, how does one "feed the crazy"? By replying to an email with one word? Saying hi on the street? Answering her phone instead of changing her number? My prior experience with intense creeps tells me I bet she wasn't any warmer to him than she would be any other acquaintance or co-worker, but he's the type of loser to blow those subtle indics out of propo and decipher wrong.

Fashion Police

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> but I have no desire to sound like a raving egomaniac, that just happens on its own.

Fashion Police

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I would never be so presumptuous as to condescend to you by putting some of my sentences in bold as if you couldn't read them otherwise

Fashion Police

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Trackback

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Being a romantic means I don't believe there is a statute of limitations on love....There have been untold numbers of stories of people who knew each other in high school or college and then married other people but eventually got together years or even decades later and lived happily ever after. What's the lesson here?
Well, he's just spelled it out quite clearly, hasn't he? He will wait for you. Forever. And while there is a statute of limitations on things like... say, restraining orders, for instance, there is none on his *love* for her.

And is it just me, or does everything seem more annoying in the little *asterisks*?

sequined

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> this is like one of those twisted eps of law and order where everyone has some sort of deluded self mainifesting obession with being a nob.i think this man feels he is mr darcy except he is really mr law and order type, i agree with the assertion he should live in new york which is far far away an dhis opportunities to be told that he is a emo trainwreck will be limitless. i swear to god i heard the law and order cut scence gong niose verytime i went onto a new paragraph. what a gut wrenching joke.

HeidiVice

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @labusgirl: for real! The only part that kept my attention was when I scrolled down and was drawn to the 4 reasons he felt the way he did. Note to R: throw in some fun attention-getters like numbered lists and bullets! Gets me every time!

frecklefacefreak

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> i've been on the receiving end of quite a few crap emails in my day, most of which were from feeble-minded menfolk who actually thought it was my responsibility to help them or repair their emotional damage. but this one takes the cake! i am beyond the simple act of reading & laughing at this particular email. instead, i have busted out the cabernet & chocolate at 10 in the morning!
thank you, jezebel.com, for giving me the heartiest laugh a girl could have hoped for.

dopegirlfresh

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Christ, this gave me a stomachache.
@datehole: Yeah, I wrote something like this too. But I was 15. And I had the mental faculty then to burn them before they were sent.

GrumpyMcGillicutty

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I've been a similar creepy guy who is too into me situation and you know what I did? Avoided him and quit returning his emails. I got one last angry email and that was it. Kind of simple really. She must be getting something out of this emotionally if she has put up with him this long.

And a dippy political activist would hardly have a good Kucinich story.

Erie

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I had a crazy asshole stalk me for months. He used to call me and read me letters he had written me that sounded A LOT like this one. *shudder* He used to send postcards that were "encrypted by order of the President", etc. I'm so glad I moved.

split_kitten

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Inartfully? Gah. My eye is twitching.

BAngieB

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I don't know, guys. I'd do him.

videogoddess

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I've always wanted to know what "heart of hearts" means. I think this guy just explained it. It's the bat-shit crazy part of your heart.

MeanSpirited

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Yes, I love how he states his feelings are "Very obviously reciprocated." I always reciprocate feelings of love by marrying some other dude.

Um, and she's been married 5 years now? Apparently, he's not going to let it die if he's Tolstoying on her like this. Time to call the po-po and get a restraining order, Jess...

warmaiden

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Um, wow. He's trying to get her to leave her husband? I couldn't even read that entire thing.

And if he truly does love her, wouldn't he only want her to be happy? But no, he wants her for himself. What a selfish jerk. Also, not in love. Maybe really stubbornly infatuated (and here's is a theoretical psychological model for particularly stubborn infatuations), but mostly a pompous ass.

mizzal

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @sacapuntas: That David Foster Wallace breakup letter article is brilliant! And probably true.

mister.editor

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @jessicamaria: Oh, I know! After the pompous, tortured essay, the gleeful 'Love you, darlin' at the end was the creepiest part!

ForeverBlueGirl

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> This is no dude. THIS IS MY MOTHER.

ahwannabe

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> crap novel from a dude. i quit halfway through.. too hungover for this shit

X on the MTA

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @ArmCandy: Perhaps, but then I hope that Jen/Jess realizes and understands how she contributed to his delusions and takes that into consideration when she tells him goodbye. I mean, she doesn't have to be "nice" about it, necessarily, but putting the blame all on him is disingenuous and unfair.

broad

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> WOW. Can you say creepy? She's going to wind up with that guy using her head as a candy dish.

Sassette

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> He talks shit about your husband. That's not enough reason to tell him to eff off?
But if things don't work out with Jonathan, I bet this is the first guy she calls. I'm sorry, but he wouldn't still be around and so deluded unless she had given him some indication that he had a shot. He's a crutch, someone who has always been there to pick her up when she falls and make her feel special and pretty enough to go find someone else, anybody else but him.

lukfarang

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @botoxtastic: And others who question Jess/Jen, I like to imagine this is the situation:

They were close friends in another lifetime, and he was probably a good one, in a gay-best-friend type of way. She has probably had the "we will never be more than friends" conversation about once every 6 months for the last 10 years, and he promises that he understands every time. She tries to believe him so she doesn't hurt his feelings or lose a friend.

Since she's gotten married, it's become evident that this guy wasn't going to go away, so she stopped initiating phone calls. He still calls a lot, and she only returns about one call to his five -- yet he still thinks they're best friends. After the most recent profession of his love and claim that her husband can't possibly make her happy, her response was, "I'm actually very happy with Jonathan, and all my friends can see that. Why can't you?"

Then this letter came as a response to her "poll," and she freaked (thus sending it to Jezebel). This is where their story ends, and unfortunately, she will never hear about Dennis Kucinich and the wristwatch.


You see, I have to believe this, because we know she is a Jezebel reader (and likely a commentor). Gotta stick up for my girls.

ArmCandy

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Even though all your friends think I'm an asshole, they're not right, because the poll is skewed because they're your friends. WTF? DTMFA! And get a restraining order while you're at it, girl.

kiki_willow

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @hamburgerhotdog: Holy hell...the dude is a whackjob, that's for sure.

BUT...wtf is wrong with her?

They've obviously had some sort of discussion (maybe discussions?) about this situation...because of the "poll" he mentions that *she* did and reported back to him on...

And then at the end..."remind me when we talk on the phone again..." Like this is something that they DO...Like normally. Don't you get that?

Granted...he's delusional loony...so maybe they don't...but I think they just might.

She's been "encouraging" him by listening to him and saying..."Oh Richard...but I love my husband" for at least FIVE years!

She's got her own issues.
I think she's going to be writing one of these crazy love letters to Johhny one day when he realizes this she's doing this...and he leaves her.

If not, I apologize to Jess. But girl...GET A RESTRAINING ORDER and stop being *nice* to this guy.

He's not your friend.

botoxtastic

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

That was great! He's just so delusional.

I expect that her "poll" was going around to her friends and saying "I look happy, right? Good, because Richard is going on about how I need to be with him because I couldn't possibly be as happy in my marriage as I would with him. Crazy, right?"

clodia

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Men make me barf.

That "love you, darlin'..." at the end made me itchy.

jessicamaria

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> You know, my initial reaction was 'what a creep', but what is wrong with this woman that she's been stringing this guy along for over five years. It is sooooo beyond inappropriate for her to be talking to him on the phone or continuing any sort of relationship with someone whose feelings she can't return. She should have told him to fuck off a long time ago and stopped answering his emails/calls.

hamburgerhotdog

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I want to imagine "Jess"'s response to his email was "I'm calling the police."

SharonTaint

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I think I can picture the girl that sent this in. She's the grown up version of the girl that used one of my buddies as an emotional tampon back in high school, and would tell him stuff like he was currently third on her list of people to date if her current relationship didn't work out. Married five years? And she still talks to this weirdo? She's got to be getting something out of it.

This guy's problem is he doesn't have enough guy friends, or regular non-political activist ones, that would ridicule him mercelessly for being a total knob as soon as he mentioned stuff like his "hypothetical relationship".

Or maybe they already did, and instead of taking the hint he now has no one to hang out with so he fills his time with becoming even more creepy-obsessive and writing longer and longer e-mails?

Alistair Hennessey

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Sooooo, what happened? Can we have a new feature called, "Crap email from a dude, the fallout"?

bowleserised

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Wow. Just...wow.

mcpastry

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Let's all say it together now: She's just not that into you.

demetria23

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Aaarrgghh, bastard hurt my eyes, now I can't read the comments. He's a wordy one, hmmm? Somebody tell me quick-ambiguation = made-up word, right?

Mrs. DeLesseps To You, Dahling

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Baby, it wasn't rape. You sent me maddeningly, indecipherably subtle indications that you wanted it. You know we're meant to be together and me forcefully inseminating you is the only way for us to be bonded for life - by creating a new life from our love.

weedie

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Whenever I would get to the bold parts of this retard manifesto, I was like, shit, this whole thing should be bolded and maybe even underscored.

I've been trying not to use the word douche lately, because it's played and I'm sick of it, but sometimes there are just no substitutes!

pizza

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> This guy has got to stop reading "Love in the Time of Cholera" again...and again.

He seriously seems to think they will end up together someday...even if they're old and gray when it finally happens.

And how can she resist? He's got stories about Dennis Kucinich...and a wristwatch!

rikachica

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I used to be very much in love with this guy who didn't love me back. I did some stupid things. But I didn't sink that low.
I feel pretty good about myself right now!

DreamerMarie

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @Sidley: I felt the nausea too. But no pity for Jess, because she needed to dump his ass about 9.5 years ago.

asylum

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @effingminnow:
It's because they've never been in a normal relationship where two people meet and like each other and hang out together and fuck and make jokes and french toast.

Instead, the self-obsessed loser types assume that any relationship of theirs will involve Noble Sacrifice and hilarious Circumstances and that her eventual acceptance of Love will involve (at least), an airport foot chase, fireworks, a celebrity cameo, and the public humiliation of Jonathon (who is stealing from his charity job and abusing babies on weekends.)

Nacissism + celibacy + shitty movies = this e-mail.

BottomlessCup

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @ecs: If you're a political activist is what I meant.

ecs

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Best Crap Email Ever.

LucyTuzy

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> *Do* I think you're a total pedantic, ego-centric douche? Sure. *Would* I advise Jess to get a restraining order? Yes I would. *If* you're is a political activist, *do* I blame you for the collapse of America?

*Absolutely.*

ecs

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @AttorneyatLoL: My therapist is going to be SO pissed that you clued me into such a trick.

AnnieGetYourFun

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> you guys left her real name in the 2nd to last graph. "jess," not jen, right? unless this presumptive, pompous asshat got it wrong. which wouldn't surprise me, since he's so full of self-regard i can't believe there's any regard left for anyone else.

SeriesOfTubes

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @BottledCynicism: Well, that's the way I plan to go too, soooooo.... Seriously though, that mental image? Fantastic!

hellodarling!

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Inserting "Condoleezza" for "Richard," "George" for "Jess," and "Laura" for "Jonathan" actually got me through to the end of this. Not worth it.

I got this speech once in college and I want that fucking hour of my life back:
"I think you and I would be perfect together."
"Well, I think Pacey Whitter and I would be perfect together. Look's like we're both shit out of luck when it comes to REALITY."

andBegorrah

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @skeptik:
I second that emotion!

starfishincoffee

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> To the higher-ups at Jezebel: please, I beg you, post follow-ups and where-are-they nows for these crap emails. It's like watching a single episode of a riveting TV show (complete with teasers for the next episode) only to learn that the entire cast and crew were killed in a freak accident and you will never ever know what happens in the end.

Does Jess forward this email to her husband so he can beat the tar out of Richard?

Does she finally spell it out for this lunatic?

WAS RICHARD RIGHT ALL ALONG??

skeptik

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @Daniele: Want to come to the party I'm having with Ben, Jerry, Clinton and Stacy tomorrow night?

SarahMC

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @starfishincoffee: THANK YOU. I was just going to say the same thing.

@hystericalredhead: If they actually had any sort of sexual contact EVER, I could understand where he's coming from. But without having touched her? Wow.

And I too know this guy, or someone like him; we went to college together and then worked at the same paper. He and I hung out after work, and sometimes ended up back at my place just to chat (God, no sex -- dude's a virgin, 90 pounds soaking wet, looks like Montgomery Burns and dresses like an Amish guy, complete with big wooly beard). Well, one night, he asked me in front of my whole department (who can't stand him and wondered why I even bothered), "Hey, should I count on spending the night tonight?"

I still get cracked on about that to this day.

broad

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> mommy? i don't feel good.

wittyremarks

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> OMG, the bullet points/airtight argument why she should love HIM, not the guy she married, then this: "It is a bit more complicated than that". Yep. Run, lady, run!!

Xylo

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> 2nd paragraph from the bottom: gotta change that name to protect the innocent.

Also, You have given me many, many indications over the years, both obvious and maddeningly, indecipherably subtle, that you are in love with me.

...i'm frightened the guy at my local Subway may be thinking the same thing when I ask for extra olives.

hystericalredhead

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> this one is actually more amazing than one written by the boy who claimed he loved me so much he wanted to drink my bathwater. it was handwritten in pencil, four pages, all caps!

why do all self-obsessed men fall so hard, fast, and unswervingly in 'love'??????

effingminnow

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Ooh ooh! I'm gonna play the part of Jess!

Ahem.


Dear --R,

Die in a fire.

Hate ya, bitch.
Jess (Jonathan's last name)

sparkle

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> TL;DR

azi

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> My friend married a guy like this. He was crazy jealous and controlling. When she was 6 months pregnant he flew into a jealous rage because she wasn't feeling well enough to attend a fundraiser one night. He beat her and locked her in a closet. After she escaped and left him, he wrote her a long ass, bullet point treatise pointing out how wonderful a guy he is and what a big mistake she was making in leaving him.
Fucking narcissistic psycho.
So yeah, Jess, get a restraining order now. These guys don't take No for an answer.

mini

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @Topsyjane:
This is Exibit A in "Why Ladies Shouldn't Let a Man Down Easy".

Oh so true.

I can't imagine ever doing something like this to a married ex-boyfriend. It's pretty obvious to me that when someone marries someone else, they pretty much aren't interested.

What a douche. A sad douche at that - his own delusions will probably prevent him from ever being happy. Blech.

starfishincoffee

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> *falls off couch* Holyfuckingshit that was the best thing I've ever read on the internet. This guy will totally self destruct one day, but not with drugs or booze. No, he's just going to spontaneously combust on his own awesomeness.

BottledCynicism

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> "I don't know anything at all about Jonathan except that I'm better than him."

@Topsyjane: With references like that, how could he possibly go wrong?? (Nice choices there.)

CumaeanSibyl

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> This email kind of makes me sad because you know this guy is going to end up married to some lady he doesn't really love while pining for a woman who clearly never loved him, but valued his friendship too much to hurt his feelings/ego. I must admit I had/have a friend like this who I will NEVER fall for, but I no longer try to spare his feelings. I gotta live my life (fyi, i got a similar themed 5 screen text message once and I was very freaked out which is why I rarely talk to him anymore).

ae38

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Is this email 5 years old, or has it really taken him five years to figure out that her marriage may be more than just a fling?

Christ, even legitimate gripes have a shelf life.

Jackie_Earl_Daily

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @whynotshesaid: Yes - I think I missed the paragraph on first skim about her informal poll. So she has been communicating with him in some way, which is definitely not smart.

The only thing she should communicate to this guy is:

1) service of a restraining order, and
2) a swift punch in the nose via Jonathan.

petuniacat

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> This is exactly what happens when you spend your childhood trying to program your TI-82 calculator instead of being outside, learning how to socialize.

He needs to let the fuck go.

hoyasaxabitches

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @petuniacat: You are probably right, but if he is a delusional stalker, isn't she breaking the cardinal rule of dealing with a delusional stalker by communicating with him?

whynotshesaid

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> This is Exibit A in "Why Ladies Shouldn't Let a Man Down Easy". He says 'persistant' and 'optomistic'; I say 'delusional' and 'doesn't take no for an answer'. Certain phrases jumped out at me -- "there is also the undeniable fact that we would be remarkably compatible sexually" and "How do I know you made a mistake? Because I know what *I* am capable of' and the overall message of 'you MADE ME do this, you stupid cunt'. Eep.

And he's also polled his neighbor's dog and the pig that hovers outside his window at night and the entire winter crew at the Overlook Hotel, and they all agree with his opinion (twenty page explanation to follow).


Topsyjane

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> TLDNR

Ashila

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @whynotshesaid: Even if she moved to Antarctica and never spoke to him for 25 years, he would still email her with his condescending delusions. That's the nature of the psycho stalker.

petuniacat

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> "It never fails to amaze me that despite what I consider my gift for words, I so often fail to express myself clearly when we broach this topic."

Which is code for:

"After 10 years of me following you around like a turd on a string, I still can't understand why you can't understand that we are meant for each other, forever and ever amen."

Oh, and p.s. I'm not condescending or anything, but you were really stupid to marry Jonathan - but don't worry. You can divorce him and marry me (or at least be my life partner). Oh, and even though I'm not condescending at all, I will never, ever fail to remind you each and every morning how dumb you were to ever marry Jonathan. Not that I know Jonathan or anything.

petuniacat

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @savaro: That's what I was like! Why is she still friends with him? She got married five years ago, right? He's probably been this way for that time (and probably even longer!) Does she like the attention? Is she too afraid to hurt his feelings? Whatever it is, she needs to get over it and cut off all contact. There is not a personality trait in the world that can make up for this scariness.

whynotshesaid

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Just saw length and decided life was too short. Dude will regret this in many years if he's lucky to be blessed with self-realization. If not, he will continue to write crap.

I know I've written some crap in my life. Thank god they were the years before computers and the guys are probably too lazy to re-type.

Maulleigh

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> This post reminds me that I've been wanting to read Pattie Boyd's new autobiography. To the library!

mymanicpixiedreamcatsnores

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> "4) Your refusal to even consider me as a potential life partner is both painful and, frankly, inexplicable."

Imagine that coming out of someone's mouth, and there's your CliffNotes right there.

Although this gets an honorable mention:

"It is silly, as you said to me the other day, to compare relationships (or, I guess, potential, hypothetical relationships), which are as different and varied as the people in them."

Yes, it is silly. But it's not because those potential, hypothetical relationships are different and varied. It's because THEY DON'T FUCKING EXIST. Jez, much love, I laughed loud enough for my upstairs neighbors to hear.

exiled

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @stupidaol: Fun! I'm sure he's actually pretty great.

thegreatladies

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Okay seriously. I kind of need to have a follow up to this story. Jess had a *really* important choice to make and I want to know the outcome. (In case this gem of a man is still on the market, natch.)

LAkeywhore

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Every time my therapist brings up my intolerance for, well, pretty much everyone, I pull up one of these crap emails and he lets me go early.

AttorneyatLoL

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @asylum: OMFG. I think I know him, too.

I'm both amazed and actually, physically nauseated by this letter. I'm not sure what, exactly, is inducing the nausea, but it could be fear (of the crazy), dizziness (length-inspired), or plain old embarrasment on this poor sucker's behalf, because boy, but he's deluded.

I also feel hugely sorry for "Jess." Seriously woman, it's time to cut the fucking chord on this "friendship." It's for the best.

*shudders*

Sidley

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> First off, this is the best crap e-mail yet.

Also, he's got a great closing paragraph with a teaser that is certain to send her to divorce court...a Dennis Kucinich wristwatch story.
Awesome!

bellhop68

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I've acted and written something like this; but i was 18. This is what happens when that 18 year old boy gets a masters degree.

Datehole

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I love how he says he doesn't want to dwell on her relationship with the other guy, and then proceeds to dwell on it for about thirty-seven paragraphs.

edgyspice

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> What in the fuck is this dude's damage?!

Is there such a term as overeducated? Like overeducation leads to severe douchebaggery.

The HZA

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]>
"I dunno i've seen too many smart kids ruined by drugs to subscribe to the libertarian party's beliefs"

Gah, where's my bong (goddamn 'people need me' activists).

pedantic_dandy

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Why anyone in Jess's position would continue to be friends with this jerk and engage in this conversation with him in the first place, let alone for five freaking years while married to someone else, is totally beyond me. Hopefully the horrified reaction here will get her to do what she needs to, which is break off all contact. Jesus! There should be a refresher course for guys on how to do the whole unrequited love thing, really.

bitsy boozer

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> How did she encourage him? Smile? Breathe? If Hollywood got ahold of this note, it would be Julia Roberts, Jack Black and she would run off with the dude at the end of the movie. Please make sure no one in Hollywood get their hands on this note!!!

SloanePeterson

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Oh, this is so the best crap email yet. I am FUMING and this wasn't even sent to me.

embobly

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Gah, this e-mail has actually made me reconsider my affectionate position on unrequited love.

pedantic_dandy

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> also, i just sent this to my brother and his response was this: yeah i subscribe to bill maher's podcast, he's very witty but he is a bit soulless
emotions are supposed to be full of crap man you know? i mean thats why we feel that way, if you try to analyze them youre done son
i dunno i've seen too many smart kids ruined by drugs to subscribe to the libertarian party's beliefs"
Anyone? he's single.

stupidaol

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @SarahMC: HI-LARIOUS

doxastic

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @Gabbo:

Ha!
Sign your life isn't working: it has become an Onion headline, irony-free.

City_Dater

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I don't even know where to begin...

groupie

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I actually wasn't able to make it through that whole email. One salient ever infuriatingly difficult thing for this guy to understand is this: If you don't win the election, nobody has to take your platform seriously. IT DOESNT MATTER IF YOU DONT WIN

stupidaol

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @Talaton: Shit, great minds.

sacapuntas

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @golddigger:
I immediately thought of this onion gem - [www.theonion.com]

Different content, same idea.

sacapuntas

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> After about 1 month of single-girl depression including: No dates, best friend getting engaged, other friend having baby, gay best friend celebrating 3 year anniversary with perfect guy, ex-boyfriend getting married to arch nemesis, work problems, an inconvenient rent increase (like they ever are), and a 30th birthday smack dab in the middle of all this -

I read this letter and honestly thought, "Meh...I don't have it so bad."

Daniele

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Two things: I love the 2 paragraphs all about how he won't talk about Jonathan because he dare not mention Jonathan's name since Jonathan is not the issue here, even though Jonathan's existence has ruined his (not Jonathan's) life by design. PS: NOT TALKING ABOUT JONATHAN. PPS: JONATHAN!!!?


Second thing--this Onion story also fits:
[www.theonion.com]

Talaton

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> i am astounded by the awesomeness of this email. this may be THE Platonic form of all delusionally self-important socially unaware obsessional love letters.

i can only imagine what his amnesty international letters must look like.

doxastic

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @hugnkiss:
Didn't Doris Day try this in A Touch of Mink? (Well, it was similar anyway)

Flackette reminds everyone to Vote!

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> She's just not that into you.

Mando323

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I can't believe I read the whole thing.

I want my life back. That is one soul-sucking piece of prose.

amyjay

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Reading that was extremely disturbing. I'm a little scared for "Jess."

ShanaElmsford

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @HookerfaceAnon: Except Bill Maher would never hate on a girl for getting married to someone else, mainly b/c he's not interested in marriage as much as getting some bootay.

nyobserver

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I dated this guy for 4 days. Well, if not him, his emotional twin. Why did I date him? Because after a year of being very close friends, he told me it was too painful to be around me if we were just friends. He was 32 the time. And couldn't handle it. Fine. It took me 4 days to realize that (a) I was right and I didn't want him as a boyfriend and (b) if he couldn't move past it, I didn't want him as a friend.

AndYourLittleDogToo

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I hope she forwarded this to her husband and he beat the crap out of this dude.

katastic

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> You know Jen is wrong to spurn him. I mean, who could resist someone who teases you by withholding a story about Dennis Kucinich AND A WRIST WATCH!! I'm getting all hot and wriggly just thinking about it.

shortbutmighty

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @golddigger:

Omg that is great - and even better is the complementary link "I Would Have Been Considered Very Attractive In the Middle Ages"

Bwah!!! Creeps everywhere!

starfishincoffee

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Also, I laughed out loud when I read "I've tried to be concise here", especially since it's near the damn bottom.

Megan

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> There is nothing hotter than a love letter that reads like a proposal on how to improve civic waste management.

And I'm sick of these dudes who equate having a cheap lexicon of big words with being a good writer.

TrixieBelden

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRL.

I especially love the *sparkle* to denote *especially important points* such as, *this guy is insufferable*.

katastic

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Wow, no one else rejects men by making a list of pros and cons? Just me?

I liked the numbered summary at the end. If he knew anything about people, he would know that he could have just sent the list and been done with it. But we're talking about a Liberal Arts major, AGAIN, right?

AnnieGetYourFun

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @specialk:
My thoughts on that:
Dude: stereotypical "political activist", probably a bit wild haired, def glasses, maybe a beard, early thirties but could probably pass for mid twenties were it not for his receeding hairline.

She: Rather attractive, willowy-type, went through a punk/hippie "activist" phase freshman year of college (which is where she met Dude). She grew out of the phase but was too nice to end her friendship with Dude. She regrets that decision every time she checks her email.

Jonathan: generic Wall Street-y type, Goes to the gym but still has some love handles, likes doggy style and pro sports, loves that Dude has social objections to both

Jazz_Hands

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I actually like Bill Maher's HBO show Real Time, but what the hell gives with this email & his mug? Did he compose it?

shunguy007

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Wow. Wow.
I totally need more backstory on this one.
Did he call her?
Did she get a restraining order?
Most importantly, are they really friends or did he just get fixated on her back in junior high when they sat across from each other in Amnesty International club meetings?

whoneedslight

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @mccauller: *sigh* Not QUOTING Molly. REFERENCING. Though I bet she would've been royally pissed at being looped in to this wackjob's email.

hellodarling!

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @labusgirl:
I'll help. To paraphrase: He is in love with a long time friend of his and she married some one else. She has obviously told him that she loves her husband and why, that her friends agree with her choice, and that she never considered her getting married a rejection of him because, while she does love him, it is only as a friend. He will not except this and is apparently going to wait till she realizes her mistake and they can live happily ever after, and have great sex, babies, and then save the world.

All in all you didn't miss much.

ericablue

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @PaisleyPajamas: Bill Maher is TOTALLY the kind of guy to write a crap email. He would be insulting, passive aggressive and condescending. You know, like he is on his show.

HookerfaceAnon

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Props for quoting Molly Ivins, but other than that? I've received emails from a guy similar to this one, so this? Hitting a little too close to home. Also, CREEPY AS SHIT.

hellodarling!

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> I don't know if I would consider this a "Crap Email from a Dude." First of all, it's at least well written.

Second of all, SHUDDER IN FEAR. Jess needs to get a restraining order.

HookerfaceAnon

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Jeebus on a stick. Did this guy write for Dawson's Creek? (I was always disturbed by the way they talked...just unnatural.) I would be slightly afraid of this stalker killing me and then himself so that we could be together forever, if I were her. Restraining order!

snickersnack

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> And just like me, I'm sure Jess could not stand that for more than 3 paragraphs. Holy crap, dude! Get a life.

Diesel920

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @Gabbo: I see your onion article and raise you one even more apropos to this situation: [www.theonion.com]

Pres. Laura Roslin

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> @SarahMC: LOL!!

For the record, I copied & pasted into Word and it's 2,656 words. Holy shit.

serreca

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> It almost makes me want to GET a crap email from a dude so I can send it to Jezebel and gab about it with all of you.

SarahMC

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> This guy reeeeally needs to learn to cuss. A simple "F*ck! Why'd you marry him and not me?" would have saved paragraphs.

Why Bill Maher for the pic? Is it for Real Time's New Rules? This crap e-mail from a dude does read like a referendum for this non-existent relationship.

PaisleyPajamas

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> That poor girl. Her "subtle" indications that she is in love with him sound to me like the excuses you give to a friend who wants to be more than a friend…while attempting not to hurt his or her feelings TOO much.

apostrophism

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Omg! Time for afternoon snack and Crap Email from a Dude! This is the best fucking part of my day!!!

ForeverBlueGirl

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Who is this guy? He reminds me of an ex I finally had to tell, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off and leave me alone for the rest of our lives, because he was suffocating me with his clingy-ness.
Dude, she doesn't love you. No amount of lengthy, repetitive, condescending emails is going to change her mind. AND she married someone else! I can't believe his argument! "How dare you not consider how good you could have had it with me before marrying him!" LAME!

PimpMyCouch

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Fuck. I just know, KNOW, that I will be dating some dude and things will seemingly be going just fine and then he starts to talk about his best female friend more and more and then it slowly dawns on me that he is in love with her but, oh, it is so much worse than that because, in fact, the man I am dating is THIS GUY and I will break up with him but he will start crying and then we will have a 7 hour talk wherein he details, at length, the entire history of their friendship (which he will refer to as a "relationship" despite the utter chastity of the whole thing) and I will at first feel sorry for him and almost not break up with him but somewhere around 4 am I will just be so fucking sick of him and his Luke-Wilson-romantic-comedy bullshit that I will immediately start dating some complete asshole that I know will treat me like garbage because, just for a bit, I want someone who's not so goddman EARNEST.

I hope he lives in new york and not anywhere near me...

Jazz_Hands

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> *scroll scroll scroll*

I need a strong, silent, macho type to wipe that dude's crap from my mind.

sventurata

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not Be Saving The Universe Right Now If I Were Not So Morally Certain You Should Be Fucking Me And Not Your Husband]]> Re: "I'm easy on the eyes"

Dude, she knows what you look like. She can see you staring into her bedroom window.

SarahMC

]]> <![CDATA[Dear Jess, I Could Not