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Obviously asking logical questions is pointless in this scenario, but I can't help myself: Why would a mermaid exclaim "I'm so wet"? Don't they spend their lives in the sea? And where do mermaids shop for their underwire bras? And are we actually supposed to feel confident giving our personal financial information to a company that produced this garbage? Did Courtney actually get paid for this? Seriously? What. The. Fuck. More »
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A duo of Wisconsin sisters are in trouble after subjecting a male teen with unelaborated upon social issues to confusing, horrific sexual torture. Warning: it involves pliers. To the penis. More »
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If you were bothered and confused by the choice to cast Demi Moore as Gloria Steinem in the new Linda Lovelace biopic, I've got some good news and some bad news: The good news is that Moore has whippetted her way out of the part. The bad news is that the part's been recast. So who's going to play the feminist icon? More »
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Today in terrible ideas: a new pair of bills proposed by New Hampshire Republicans would seek to put fresh red tape between police and their ability to arrest domestic abusers in the state. There's no way this could possibly go wrong! More »
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A woman who arrived at a New Orleans hospital with an arm infection left sans one arm, thanks to recreational injections of bath salts, an increasingly popular and incredibly dumb drug that no one should ever use, ever. Seriously. Don't inject yourself with bath salts, you guys. Good lord. More »
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An eagle-eyed tipster brought this to our attention. Just where is she sticking that little green disc, and is that how people are "socking" money away these days? More »
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Bored with typical bathroom trope, one DC coffee shop has decided to skirt tradition and go with a mildly rapey bathroom sign that makes customers stop and say, "Wha?" More »
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Check out this picture of an adorable little girl hugging her OH SWEET CHRIST THAT IS A HITLER DOLL. More »
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Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is leaving office today, and he's done something to ensure that a certain group will never forget him. People whose family members were murdered now have to live with the knowledge that their loved one's killer is on the loose because Barbour decided to pardon several inmates, including many who killed their wives and girlfriends. More »
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Winston Wu, founder of a "global dating" site Happier Abroad, knows why the caged male bird sings: He wants to meet exotic, silk-feathered ladybirds, probably from the Orient. More »
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Seeing as how he believes the banana is an "atheist's nightmare" we don't think Kirk Cameron would approve of this banana opener. And fuck anything that makes us side with that creationist freak. More »
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You probably already knew that when you flush the toilet with the lid open, a great big cloud of bacteria shoots up into the air like a mushroom cloud of poo germs. But did you know that if you leave the lid open even when the toilet is just hanging out and not being shat in, you're exposing all nearby surfaces to a veritable cloud of toilet bacteria that might be causing other people to catch a disease? A disease that makes them throw up? More »
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Apparently the lampshade is supposed to be in the shape of the singer's signature weave-hive hairdo. The 'Amy' lamp is available as a floor lamp ($1500), and as a table light ($740). According to Splash: More »
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For a good portion of 2011, Northern Virginia was paralyzed in fear of a man who had made a habit of sneaking up behind unsuspecting shoppers in area malls and slashing their posteriors with box cutters and razors. His shenanigans continued unabated for months, until authorities identified the man as Johnny Guillen Pimentel and the slicing stopped. Now, officials fear their suspect may have fled to Peru. More »
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If you had $20,000 to spare, what would you spend it on? A car? Your child's education? Investments? Donations to charities? Maaaybe, but you might also use it to pay to have your yard filled up with fake snow. Yes, that is a real thing! They've been doing it at ski hills for ages, but you can also have a snow machine come to your very own home—and apparently business is booming, especially in the South. David Bryant, the president of a Florida company called The Ice Man, has been in the fake snow business for 27 years and says demand is higher than ever: More »
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Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, which, in my day, would've meant killing two birds with one stone and only having to go to church once this week. But not in 2011, The Year of the WTF. Rather than rolling out the red carpet for Baby Jesus's magic birthday, some churches are actually canceling or scaling back services on Sunday so that their parishoners and clergy can spend the day doing more Christmassy things like opening presents, eating, and watching Wal-Mart commercials with The Nutcracker Suite playing in the background. More »
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Sadly, a media personality getting a DUI isn't all that unusual, but the circumstances of NBC Correspondent Jay Gray's arrest in Pennsylvania early on the morning of December 12 are rather interesting. He was leaving the home of Jerry Sandusky attorney and sleazeball in his own right Joe Amendola, who invited several journalists hoping to score an exclusive interview with Sandusky to watch the New York Giants game with him. So apparently that's how your "exclusive interview with an alleged child molester" sausage gets made. More »
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Before I proceed to rip apart what's got to be the worst clothing item I've seen since the Forever Lazy, I have an admission to make: I love jeggings. I think they're comfortable and I wear them nearly every day. (I would never wear them in the place of jeans, or pretend they're not what they are.) That said, what in fucking hell inspired this company to come up with a trashier-looking version of pajama jeans — but for men? More »
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If you're looking for a good prank to play on a high school student, the possibilities are really endless. Just fill their locker with glitter, convince them the SATs were yesterday, or copy whatever's the last thing Brad Pitt did to George Clooney. However, since it seems this wasn't made clear enough, we have to issue the following warning: Do not trick them into making out with their parents in front of the whole school. When pranking students you always want to shoot for something that's semi-embarrassing, but not humiliating enough that they'll end up in a therapist's office. More »
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If you happen to be a resident of Auckland, New Zealand, you might have already seen this billboard on your local street corner. But for the rest of us who have never laid our eyes on this wondrous spectacle, I think I speak for us all when I say whaaaaa? More »
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Apparently the toy elf that goes with the book The Elf On The Shelf is "all the rage" this Christmas, especially since CBS aired an animated special in November. But as far as we know, the elf does not carry a meat cleaver and brutally hack people to death. And what's with the candy cane blow job? Leave it to the folks at Next Media Animation to turn a sweet family story about striking fear into your children into a horrid, bloody tale. Nightmare before Christmas, indeed. More »
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If you happen to be surfing the web and stumble upon a blog called Put Your Beard In My Mouth — a site filled with photos of beards, bearded dudes, and Ke$ha putting said beards into her mouth — you should know that it's not some kind of crazy site made by a fan obsessed with beards and the pop singer. It's no regular, run-of-the-mill tumblr blog celebrating a combination of random things, like Bea Arthur Mountains Pizza or Tom Selleck Waterfall Sandwich. The site is curated by none other than Ke$ha herself. You've been warned. More »
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A man in Virginia has pled guilty to criminal actions associated with what he says is a scholarship program. Three women received money from the man to use for educational expenses, and in return, the man got to spank them when they "misbehaved." And you thought the Miss America pageant was a dubious scholarship program. More »
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Ugh, awful: Michelina Lewandowska, 27, was tasered, had her feet taped together, and was buried alive by her 25-year-old fiancé Marcin Kasprzak. Michelina, now living the real-life version of Uma Thurman's hell in Kill Bill 2 heroically clawed her way through the box and soil using her engagement ring (how ironic!). The couple have now taken the terrible situation to court, where Michelina's lawyers maintains that Marcin buried her in the ground at the top of an isolated hill because he was "bored with her," while his team claims that Marcin "was only trying to scare her." Sounds like somebody needs to stop channeling George Bluth Senior and his lessons, because I think in burying his wife in the ground he confused "scary" and "deadly." More »
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The internet isn't always the kindest place, but this year Regretsy.com tried to use its powers for good rather than evil by donating money to buy Christmas presents for the children of readers who are going through hard times. The campaign was so successful that Regretsy determined it would be able to send the parents a little money too, in the hope that it would "help them make their holiday dinners more special, or maybe pay a pressing bill." Luckily, PayPal caught on to this dastardly plot just in the nick of time. Now it's making the site refund hundreds of donations — all because she unwittingly used the wrong button to collect the money. More »
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Hey there, moneybags! Were you standing in your bathroom this morning, staring at the priceless antique jar you fill with cotton balls, thinking to yourself, "These little wads of cotton just aren't soft enough for my fine face. If only there was something more luxurious I could invest in"? Well, it's your lucky day! Chanel has just the solution for you: Le Coton, "an exquisitely soft tri-layer pad developed in Japan." More »
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Ooh, a colander hat, how fancy! A tea kettle on your head — lovely! A funnel that looks like a cross between a dunce cap, Devo, and something a magical elf would wear — how, um, becoming! In all seriousness, I'm all for wacky fashion options, but something about this just reminds me of putting pots and pans on my head as a child and running around my parents kitchen. So let's just deem this look "Vintage Preschool Chic." And ignore the "women belong in the kitchen" message. And move on. More »
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Having difficulty searching for perfect gift? Do you have a time machine? Well, why not take it back to 19-something-awful and purchase this glorious bit of crapsidermy, ideal for the serial killer or terminal hipster bastard in your life. More »
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When you have surgery you might be concerned about going under or the procedure itself, but don't forget to freak out about the possibility that your face might suddenly go up in flames. In a horrifying story out of Florida, 29-year-old Kim Grice was undergoing outpatient surgery to have three cysts on her head biopsied when a fire erupted on her face. Grice was flown by helicopter to the South Alabama Burn Unit and has suffered second-degree burns on her face and neck. The fire department described the incident as a "flash fire" and hospital officials have no idea what caused it, though malfunctioning electrical equipment could be to blame. Grice told her mom, "They woke me up and every one around me was hysterical. I don't know what happened to me." More »
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A Georgia business owner is doing his part of fix the economy and create jobs by refusing to hire anyone until Barack Obama is no longer the President. This accomplishes approximately dickcheese, but whatever. You show those Washington fatcats, brave but ill-informed little patriot! More »
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I took this picture on 8th street in New York City — these were in the window of Broadway Panhandler. To be fair, there were also pilgrim candles. More »
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What's crimson, blonde, made from 820 feet of hair and perfect for making an entrance? This hair-raising gown, valued at $100,000. Created by Themla Madine, Ryan Edwards, and his team of eight designers from Nico's (as seen on the UK's Big Fat Gipsy Wedding), the tress dress took twelve days to assemble and features over 1500 crystals. Rapunzeltastic!

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Fucking hell. More »
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Until I watched this video, I did not realize how much an armadillo looks like a bug. A giant weird pillbug with hair on it. This pillbug-mammal-creature happens to be a football fan, by which I mean a fan of the actual ball. I believe it thinks the ball is its baby, or its lover. It appears to have picked the winner of Sunday's Bengals/Steelers game incorrectly, but I still think all questions should now be resolved by letting an armadillo roll around in them. For the 2012 election, just put the two candidates in a room with an armadillo. It probably won't pick either of them, but after watching its weird-cute bug-playtime for an hour, their hearts will grow three sizes and they will magically agree on everything and there will be peace and prosperity forever. More »
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Amber Rose is the face of Smirnoff fluffed marshmallow flavored vodka. There are many weird things about that sentence, but the words "marshmallow vodka" are perhaps the most stomach-churning. How kid-friendly! The concept brings to mind barfing gently by a campfire. Amber Rose is also the face of Smirnoff whipped cream vodka, which perhaps might be nice in some kind of milkshake if your goal is to experience brain freeze, heart burn and diarrhea simultaneously. The full ads — as seen in Star and Ok! this week — are below. More »
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Your like-it-or-not, coming-of-age story of the day: Jonathan Lipnicki, the star of Jerry Macguire and Hollywood's most adorable child circa 1996, has recently turned 21. We know that he rang in his new adulthood by attending a party and posing with a birthday cake that had his name spelled wrong, but if you happened to be wondering what he was up to otherwise, we now have our answer. As this photo shoot demonstrates, he's been spending much of his time at the gym and has apparently taken up boxing. More »
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A Craigslist poster has some weed to offer — and he or she is asking for an unusual form of payment. Below, the full ad: More »
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Michelle Duggar, 45, and her husband Jim Bob, 46, visited the Today show this morning to announce that they are expecting their twentieth baby. She has already been pregnant 19 times. With this gestation — if she carried a kid for nine months each time — that would be 180 months or 15 years that she's been pregnant. So… Time to pick a name, guys. A name that starts with J. More »
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The next time you're in Anthropologie eyeing overpriced twee ensembles, you might want to pick up this limited edition $2,200 rickshaw spotted by Gothamist. The description reads: More »
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Throughout the bizarre story of the Child Bride and her much-older husband, many of us have cried, "But what about her mother?" Well, now that Courtney Stodden's mom/publicist Krista Keller has opened up to The Daily Beast, you don't have to wonder anymore. She very much likes her daughter's current relationship. More »
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