Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.
Miguel, sexy crooner and owner of one gleaming, rock-hard torso, posted the following confusing image to Instagram Wednesday:
He captioned it, “Because who doesn’t like minions.” Hello, Miguel, first of all, plenty of people, probably! I, for one, am not completely sure what they are! But also, one doesn’t have to dislike minions to be uncomfortable with how close they are to Miguel’s crotch hole. It feels unnatural. They look unhappy. Get them out of there!
...which leads me, inevitably, to this: Would you have sex with Miguel if there were two minions in the room, hopping around and giggling at you? Squealing at each other in their weird little language? Poking your sweaty, entwined bodies at various intervals, just to see how you’ll react? I would!
The staff of Jezebel, however, is deeply divided:
Kate: Absolutely not.
Hillary: Tough call.
Jia: 100%. I can just close my eyes.
Bobby: Yes, because I know they wouldn’t make it weird. It’s just like your cat being there.
Kelly: If you can fuck with a cat in the room, you can fuck with anything in the room.
Erin: What would a minion dick even look like?
Bobby: They’re asexual and genderless (apart from their traditionally male names).
Kate: I bet they can do a good dry hump though.
Jia: What if there was a little minion that was just like a dick?
We’ve said our piece. Now, it’s your turn:
Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you actually have sex with this hot gorilla? 74% of you said no, and 26% of you said yes. To reiterate, 26% of Jezebel readers would have sex with a gorilla.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Image via Miguel/Instagram.