Image via Getty, animation by Bobby Finger.

PICTURE THIS, OKAY? YOU ARE FRIGGIN’ 3 FEET DEEP IN THE MOST GORGEOUS HOT TUB IN MANHASSET, GULPING VINO WITH A BUSINESSMAN, A RECENTLY SEPARATED HUSBAND, THE OWNER OF A BEAUTIFUL AND VERY HIGH-END PAIR OF WOMEN’S SUNGLASSES (CLASSY), A FUCKING ICON—ANTHONY “THE MOOCH” SCARAMUCCI, THE GODDAMN COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR TO THE GREATEST GIFT TO EVER HAPPEN TO THIS COUNTRY, DONALD J. TRUMP. ARE YOU REALLY GONNA SAY NO? REALLY? C’MON, YOU WOULDN’T SCREW THE MOOCH? NOT EVEN A LITTLE BANG?

BOBBY FINGER SAYS “NO,” HE WOULDN’T FUCK THE MOOCH. HAZEL CILLS, PRACHI GUPTA, MADELEINE DAVIES, AND KELLY FAIRCLOTH ALSO WOULDN’T FUCK THE MOOCH. FYI, I WOULD, FOR THE STORY, AND BECAUSE HE’D PROBABLY HAND ME A PILE OF $20 BILLS FOR THE CAB AND I’D HAVE AN EXTRA 80 BUCKS. AIMEE LUTKIN ALSO SAYS “YES,” BECAUSE “HE HAS AN INSANE ENERGY THAT MAKES ME THINK IT WOULD BE VERY MEMORABLE AND ALSO WOULD PROBABLY PAY FOR DRINKS,” AND ALSO BECAUSE HE REMINDS HER OF HER JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GYM TEACHER.

CLOVER HOPE: “I SAY NO CAUSE I DON’T LIKE HIS RAGE”

MEGAN REYNOLDS: “I GUESS IF HE PAID OFF ALL MY DEBT AND THEN ALSO MY PARENTS’ DEBT”

KELLY STOUT: “I WANT TO BE GENEROUS IN MY ‘WOULDS’ BUT I SIMPLY CAN’T”

ANNA MERLAN: “I DON’T FEEL LIKE HAVING TO POST-COITALLY WATCH SCARFACE AND LISTEN TO HIM WEEP ABOUT HIS SAINTLY MOTHER AND GET CALLED BABE BECAUSE HE FORGOT MY NAME”

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JULIANNE ESCOBEDO SHEPHERD: “I PROB WOULD HAVE FUCKED THE MOOCH IN 2005 BUT NOT NOW”

JOANNA ROTHKOPF: “WITH MOOCH YOU COULD SAY YOU WERE PREGNANT AND HE WOULD PROBABLY BUY YOU AN APARTMENT”

ASHLEY FEINBERG:

RICH JUZWIAK: “I WOULD, HE SEEMS FILTHY”

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY—WHAT ABOUT YOU, ASSHOLES? CAN YOU APPRECIATE THE FUCKING SPLENDOR OF THIS SHINY-SUITED “FRONT-STABBER,” HA HA?

Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with Billy McFarland, Fyre Festival Bro-in-Chief? 65.23% of you said “No”; 11.38% said “Yes, if I was trapped on an island in the Bahamas and it was the only way off”; 10.13% said “Yes, if he was dragged away naked by the authorities midway through”; 10.1% said “Yes, for the experience. Let’s just do it and be legends, man”; and 3.16% said “Yes, because I’m attracted to him and think he would treat me right.”

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